Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Today I received a scary pop-up warning on my computer screen that said:

OPRAH'S FLAT STOMACH RULE: OBEY NOW!

I wanted to ask you a couple of things about this. First, I don't know if you've seen Oprah lately but her stomach is more, like, UNflat or how should I say?---the complete opposite of flat so this confused me, needless to say. Then I remembered that if Oprah tells you to OBEY her, you pretty much have no choice, right? So, that's the first portion of my question.

The second portion of my question is---just say I do NOT obey Oprah and I make the courageous decision to go it on my own---just my stomach and me. Will she and Gayle King track me down and kill me?
---Permanently Wrinkled From Worry In Reseda

Dear Wrinkled,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Reasons why ZZ Top proves that the saying NOTHING IS ALL BAD is, itself, a bad saying:

1. 90 foot long frizzy grey beards
2. Liberace-esque long leather coats 24 hours a day
3. These lyrics:
I been up, I been down.
Take my word, my way around.
I ain't askin for much.
I said, lord, take me downtown,
I'm just lookin for some tush.

Now, I ask you. How have we, as a Nation, allowed this to happen?

Regretfully,
Gordy with the suped up Pinto

Bumper Sticker = Odd

I saw a bumper sticker today on the back of a rust-red-brownish VERY rectangular Chevy Cavalier sedan that practically sideswiped me and Cooper as we waited patiently on the corner that said:

HOW'S MY DRIVING?
CALL 1-800-EATSHIT

I almost didn't catch the entire bumper sticker because I was distracted by two things as this car careened by us, almost cutting Cooper's legs off at the ankles:

1. The man driving the car had the most severe side part comb over I have ever seen so when he drove by I thought "is there a ferret on that person's head?"
2. There was a collection of yellowish old Esquire magazines in the back seat that were stacked so high I wondered how this person managed to back out of whatever god forsaken hell hole they lived in.

If it weren't for these two distractions, you best believe this little lady woulda been on the horn right quick to 1-800-EATSHIT giving old Comb Over Cavvy a piece 'o her mind.

So then that happened,
Lieutenant Splenda

The Ballad Of The Melancholy Heart

Just like that it sweeps over me. For no reason. Or for many. Who knows what makes a sweet day turn slightly, ever so slightly...blue. It almost makes the day seem a bit more important but mostly it makes a hot bath mandatory ---before I take my furlough from this Friday that went astray---like some confused and barely grateful sailor.

Bon Voyage Or Something,
The Old Decrepit Lady In The Whale Sized Chrysler Who Seems To Be Following You From In Front

Cooper In The Blair Witch Project

He has not shared the details of the horror he witnessed the night this photo was taken but he insists that the only thing that lessens his post traumatic stress is more of those trashy Puppy Bacon Bits.

"You try forgetting!" he says, as he orders us to give him more.

Unprecedented SECOND Post In ONE Day

Because it is so vital. Because I needed to note it here. Because I want to know if I am the only one who noticed and went "Huh?" then "Uhh. Wha?" then "Hmmff. Uh, ok."

Not in a bad way. Just in a "That was a little weirdy-peirdy"--way.

What am I speaking of? I am speaking of that point in the press conference yesterday when Our Beloved President said "there has been a lot of NAUGHTY spending." And I thought I wonder if there was some evil tricycle, lollipop slush fund we weren't aware of that those fuckers were buying ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE THEY DID.

Naughty, indeed.

It's true. I heard it on CNN and I GUARANTEE you that is something that this Cupcake would classify as ODD.

Ta-ta,
Dwayne the Aggressive Deer

Things I Don't Understand, Items 28 thru 30

28. Mom jeans
29. That a substantial portion of greenhouse gas emissions are caused by livestock flatulence and belching. (REALLY??????????!! Okay. If you say so. But SERIOUSLY?? Good GOD.)
30. The excruciating painful horror of one teeny weeny hangnail

Sincerely,
Sergeant of Fuzz

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Can the incomprehensibly delicious 100 calorie Blue Bunny ice cream bars I discovered at Smart & Final that come in my choice of raspberry-vanilla swirl or orange-vanilla swirl bring me enlightenment and is it wrong that in my prayers at night I include a special shout out to the lord for making it so my husband finds these special bars of delight revolting therefore leaving more for me?
---Beside Myself With Gut Wrenching Angst In Duarte

Dear Gut,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Sunday Shocker

Yanni cut his hair.

It's true. I saw it in the Calender Section of the LA Times.

At first I thought, "Is that the guy that works at that scary furniture store on Lincoln?" and then I thought, "Is that Arnold Schwarzenegger's latin son?" and then I thought, "Is that Yanni?" and then I worried, "Who will now lead the Poodle Men?"

Que Sera Sera,
Gene the Greyhound

Jerry the Talking Flower

Hello. My name is Jerry. I've come out of hiding to wish you Happy Spring. How about that, huh? Another season upon us and all that comes with it---like change and growth and allergies. Don't get me wrong. I love spring. When else do I get to stretch my leg?! So, to celebrate the first day of that time of year that represents All The Newness And Hope That Abounds I am going to recite a poem for you by Billy Collins. It's called The Hunt. I like the mastery of wry humor it possesses and also I love the ability Mr. Collins has for taking a concept, reeling it in and placing it right in front of you, like a nice piece of pie. I also think I recognize some of the main characters he's referring to. OK, without any further ado:

The Hunt

Somewhere in the rolling hills and farm country
that lie beyond speech
Noah Webster and his assistants are moving
across the landscape tracking down a new word.

It is a small noun about the size of a mouse,
one that will be seldom used by anyone,
like a synonym for isthmus,
but they are pursuing the creature zealously

as if it were the verb to be,
swinging their sticks and calling out to one another
as they wade through a field of waist-high barley.


Until next time,
Jerry the Talking Flower

Questions For Suze Orman

1. Do you ever stop talking?
2. Say someone has $6.50 left over after paying their bills for the month---do you recommend that that person slide that $6.50 on over into an IRA or do you advise that person to use the $6.50 to buy butter?
3. In the middle of the night, when you are sleeping, are you NOT talking then?
4. When you are cooking up malarkey ways to order people around about what to do with their money do you ever think "What the hell am I talking about?"....?
5. When you and Oprah are planning what latest piece of wisdom you are going to pull out of your ass on her show, does she ever call you Soozinator?
6. Do you have batteries in your eyes and this is why you look sort of glowy, in a she-gonna-go-postal way?

Let me know,
Marty the Janitor

Cooper Being Howard Cosell

Captured in a rare carefree moment, without his toupee.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 25 thru 27

25. People who think television is evil
26. Fabio (obviously)
27. That Dick Cheney looks like a manatee but manatees seem to be gentle and sweet

Sincerely,
Gert the Pug

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

This evening, as I was listening to the magic that is my iPod shuffle, I believe I saw several extremely short, reed thin people inside of my iPod choosing the music from the skinniest bookcase full of cd's I have ever seen. Would these people be classified as leprechaun's and, if so, should I be concerned about their well being or where they'll wash their miniature clothes?
---Fretting To The Point Of Nausea In Lodi

********************************

Dear Nausea
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Sunday Showdown Strategy = True

One of these days, as god is my witness I swear to Bea Arthur I'm gonna find Jessica Alba and I'm gonna take her by the shoulders and I'm gonna look her straight in the eye and I'm gonna tell her:

NO BANGS.

Don't put it past me Soldier,
Lieutenant Blather

A Marriage Built On A Shared Aristocratic Past = True

Mister Cupcake and I were chewing the fat this evening and Mister Cupcake declared that:

The most 70s song of all time is Paul Simon's Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover.

I must say I could not refute him. He knows his 70s culture, as do I, and seeing as both of us grew up in The San Fernando Valley we're both all too familiar with what it means to scratch and claw your way out of a geographical region that is slowly morphing into a GIANT ARMPIT.

Nevertheless, we made it. And we both feel a sense of triumph for it. Kind of like how Sir Edmund Hillary must have felt when he reached the summit of Mount Everest. Except without the dolphin shorts too snug in the crotch and feathered helmet hair.

Have a bitchen summer,
Tiffany from Flute Class

Name = Odd

Ord Shumway

It's true. I read it in the paper.

I wonder if Ord Shumway has consumed as many Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies as I have today. Probably not.

Regards,
Captain Bloat

Cooper Being Tom Sizemore

Do not even THINK about asking him if he still loves Heidi Fleiss.

HE WILL F YOU UP.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 22 thru 24

22. Why the Olson Twins have such terrible posture
23. The sinister facial expressions of Ice Dancing competitors
24. When people overuse the word "parse"

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Is it wrong to be so hog wildly in love with the intoxicating aroma of night blooming jasmine that your aortic valve almost bursts with merriment when you discover a giant crop of it on your evening stroll and you imagine that your love for this plant is not unlike the true and abiding love between Captain Kangaroo and Mister Greenjeans---is any of that wrong?
---Crippled By Concern In Tulsa

*******************************

Dear Crippled,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

People best to avoid:

1. Those who fart in yoga class
2. Salespeople at Sephora who use the phrases "Moroccan fig trees" and "pore eliminators" in the same sentence
3. Nicolette Sheridan

Onward,
Sergeant Doubt

Sunday Share = True

There is an amazing scene in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button that has stuck with me that illustrates so beautifully that particular thing in life labeled "random". As a Worrier, I thought it was incredibly comforting. You see, when one is afflicted with the Worrier Gene, one's wish/desire/hope/wolverine-like drive, is to control things so nothing awful happens and this, one realizes (sometimes quickly, sometimes long and hard-ly)is futile. Although, in the Worrier Mind, nothing should be futile about trying to keep everyone safe and sound and content.

What happens in the movie is the main character is describing one terrible event that happens and he describes everything that happens in concurrance with that event and you are kind of guided through a process of all these other elements that have culminated in a specific event happenning and as I watched this I realized JUST HOW FUTILE trying to control anything is because THERE IS SO MUCH.

It is not that this thought had not dawned on me before. Oh no, no, no---I have grappled with letting go and acceptance all my life. I was just so pleasantly surprised at how elegantly and simply this scene captures a big thing---the infinity quality of how each little action contributes to an outcome and that the gigantic web all of us are weaving has its own cosmic pattern and that pattern might be called The Sum Of All Humankind. And it is so intensely out of my clinging grasp.

So, I liked that movie. Who would have thought it would render in me that happy knowing feeling. Happy that I had a realization that inched me ever so slightly toward knowing (again, after I'd forgotten for the 90 millionth time in one day) that the whole of life is about letting go and being wherever I am when I am and that it is as simple as this---all I can do is tend my own garden and do my best to make sure it is not covered over with too much grief or worry or sadness so the ground can be cleared away to make way for sun and rain. Well, that, and avoid Standard Poodles, obviously.

Things I Like More Than Rush Limbaugh

1. Tar and jalapeno enemas
2. Eating tin foil
3. Being run over by a tractor
4. Yanni concerts in Saugus
5. Chinchilla casserole

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Today when I was driving, I passed by a church that had the following parable/warning/compassionate advice/helpful hint on the sign out front:

EITHER JESUS PAYS
OR YOU DO.

Do you think this is referring to parking?
---Worried Sick At Wal-Mart


Dear Sick,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Questions For Cat Stevens

1. Where did you go?

2. Do you still have the kind of beard that makes it look like you have a black, hairy apron on your face?

3. Who is the Tillerman? Are you with him?

4. Will you ever come back and play the Cerritos Center for the Performing Arts?

5. I heard you changed your name and if so, why? Didn't you like the name "Cat"?

6. If you return do you think you'll make the fatal mistake of going on Dancing With The Stars? (Not that you asked me but I think that would be very bad! Please don't do that.)

7. I'm not the type of person to believe "the grapevine" but there are some people who say you have become a lunatic-ish recluse or some such nonsense and I was thinking, if that's the case, you probably don't have email so do you think you could give me your address?

8. If you had to choose between Smart & Final and CostCo, which would you choose? (I am aware that you didn't ask me to weigh in on this but I find CostCo to have a very Planet of the Apes feel and I have never once managed to get out of there without either an oversized book on Porch Style I didn't need or a 75 pound tray of blueberry muffins that are the size of small sofas. Has that happened to you?)

Thank you,
President
WhereDidCatGo?.org

Things I Don't Understand, Items 19 thru 21

19. Wolfgang Puck's hyena expression
20. People who wear their pet snakes and birds out in public and then act like Ann Landers when you look at them like they're freaks
21. Speedos (obviously)