Monday Judgements and Warnings

Please don't take this the wrong way, I mean I smile like a wacko when I hear Keep It Comin' Love by KC and the Sunshine Band and I have also gotten totally misty whenever I hear that swoony dramatic part of the Bee Gees song More Than a Woman where the symphony swells and then all those little Bee Gee men go "aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" and I picture John Travolta spinning around with that woman who still---to this day---I do not know why she was cast as his love interest, so dowdy was she and I will never be able to hear House At Pooh Corner or South City Midnight Lady or Over the Hills and Far Away without feeling that particular kind of nostalgia that makes me want to vomit (in a good way)---regardless of all of this it must be noted that I process all of these feelings in private where no on can see me so when you go on and on and on and on about Thin Lizzy IN BROAD DAYLIGHT and without pause as if we were all wearing tube tops and it was 1978 it simply makes it appear that you do not possess all of your marbles.

Yours In Bi-Level Haircuts,
Suzie Silent

Things I Don't Understand, Items 324 thru 326

324. Short sleeved business shirts worn with ties
325. Why waiters are forced to say Hi. I'm So-and-So and I'll be your server.
326. How lonesome it feels to trip, violently, in public

Cooper Being Oliver Twist

"Please Sir---may I have some more?" he asks and asks and asks and asks and asks until we scream out in pain.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

When I tell the poached egg I'm having for breakfast that I love it with every ounce of my being and that I think it is just so gloriously perfect can it hear me if I talk in a normal voice or do I need to make sure it has its special little egg headphones?
Blubbering Like a Complete Fool in Fargo

Dear Fool,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.  It is precious and well guarded and can only be spoken of in the dark of night.  As a matter of fact, there are some nights that are not dark enough to utter this secret out loud and if that is the case then one must play it out with charades.

Here is the secret:  (the only reason I can tell you the secret at this time is because I am not speaking it but I am writing it and the reason it is in capital letters is because it is the kind of secret that you yell at someone)

EVERY TIME YOU ACT LIKE AN ASSHOLE AND GIVE A BUS A HARD TIME OR YOU FLIP A BUS OFF OR YOU PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO RAMROD A BUS OR YOU HONK AND ACT LIKE A BIG JERK JUST BECAUSE A BUS IS TRYING TO DO WHAT IT MUST DO IN ORDER TO SURVIVE---MERGE---OR YOU SNEER AT A BUS AND SEND IT MEAN AWFULNESS JUST BY YOUR RUDE GLANCE AND YOUR ICKY ENERGY OR YOU YELL AT A BUS JUST BECAUSE IT IS HUGE AND GALUMPHY---ANY AND EVERY TIME YOU COMMIT ONE OF THESE ACTS OF BUS TREASON ON THESE VALUABLE PEOPLE CARRIERS, A PIECE OF YOUR EARLOBE WILL DISINTEGRATE SO IF YOU DECIDE TO ENGAGE IN BUS TERROR YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE YOUR EARS.

We're watching you,
National Coalition of Bus Advocates
Secret Service
Ear Trimming Division

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on Saturday we like to play our favorite game where each of us has to pretend like we've just been told something hideous---like:
Track Palin and his new bride are coming to live with us!
or
Peppermint Patties no longer exist!
or
All the neighbors can hear us when we fart!
or
From now on you have to wear your hair and dress exactly like Prince!

And then, without thinking, we have to make the expression we think we'd make had we just been told this awful news and after we've done that we laugh our fool heads off and we rejoice in the knowing that none of it is true.

Yeah. So?
Julie Jive Talk

Friday Conclusion

This morning when I checked Facebook I heard a voice in my head that sounded like James Earl Jones say Why Do You Spend Any Amount Of Time On This Shit? and just as I was about to gather up my internal forces in order to list the things that bring me Facebook Joy I happened upon a status posting from one of my friends who I have not seen in over ten years and who I never really liked particularly and who I think most probably did not like me all that much who posts photos of himself with the most second rate celebrities you can possibly conjure as if he is posing with the person who invented off ramps or chocolate or sleeping in or ice and his status said:

ANY CASTILIAN SPANISH  SPEAKING VOICE ACTORS OUT THERE? I MAY HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU!

And I thought it is a probability that, although I am kind most of the time, there will be days that I read something or see something or hear something that blows apart the image I have of myself as a gentle  person who can overlook and not feel hate-ish about requests for Spanish speaking, excuse me--sorry, Castilian Spanish speaking voice actors.  Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

IN THE END, IF WE'RE ALL HONEST WITH OURSELVES, ISN'T EVERY DAY JUDGEMENT DAY?

Best of luck to you in the apocalypse,
Debbie Downer

Things I Don't Understand, Items 321 thru 323

321. Ventriloquists
322. Big flowy teal and purple velvet skirts paired with cowboy boots
323. When you call a customer service center and you're done with the call and the customer service rep says, "Thank you for your 87 years of membership Mrs. Customer, is there anything else I can help you with today?" and you say, "No, that's about it, thanks." and the rep says, "Well it has been a pleasure serving you, and may I just say that it has been our honor to be of service to you over the last several World Wars, so is that it?  Is there anything else?" and you say, "No. Nothing else." and they say, "Well thank you, thank you, thank you dear lady, as I bid you adieu this evening may I be so bold as to ask if there is any other item in your larder that I might take inventory on, perhaps?" and you say, "No. I just killed myself." and they say, "Alright then! Thank you so much.  Is there anything else I can help you with?  I mean can I help you further in any other manner or is this the end for the two of us?" and you say "Yes because I'm dead so will you leave me alone now and just hang up the fucking phone?" and they say "ABSOLUTELY I will hang up the phone as long as there is not ONE OTHER thing I can assist with." And then you hang up and go eat Trader Joe's Peanut Butter Cups.

Cooper Being Arnold Schwarzenegger

Taking a break from cigar smoking and Hummer touring, he stops by the local toy store to put the moves on a stuffed flamingo.

The Cupcake Lessons

Hi.  I'm Your Bangs and this is my To-Do list:

1. Wake up and be unruly; make sure everyone is facing in different directions
2. Prepare for group imitation of water buffalo (***Morning rehearsal starts at 6 AM sharp, prior to owner's first mirror viewing)
3. Carve out some quiet time; finish reading novel Wispy Like Me
4. Outside the Forehead Think Tank!---brainstorm ideas for leading a happy life despite a really bad cowlick
5. Vaguely loiter in owner's eyes; listen for new curse words

Monday Judgements and Warnings

God---grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know, as long as I stay vigilant, that the strawberry blonde wolverine living on top of Donald Trump's head won't get loose and come kill me.

Yours In Wide Eyed Wonder,
Prince of Poof

Things I Don't Understand, Items 318 thru 320

318. Abstract art
319. What, exactly, makes the Winkelvoss twins tick
320. How much Mary Kay you have to sell to win one of those pink Cadillacs

Cooper Being Katherine Ross in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

"That movie rendered Robert, Paul and me almost paralyzed from the amount of beans we ate," he says, explaining how severe their gas was.  "In some scenes we didn't even have to use explosives."

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Not that I'm Albert Schweitzer or anything but let me give you a little hinty-poo and tell you that if you arise in the morning all wide-eyed and hopeful about your decision that you will start this week off with the intention of strengthening your Compassion Muscle you should FOR SURE avoid the return line at Bed Bath and Beyond.

Best Wishes For Your Continued Success,
Rita with the Wrist Straining Cart

Sunday Prayer

My mother wasn't someone who raised and protected me so much as someone I had to overcome, survive and endure.  She was someone who, if I had to describe her and I knew no one was listening, I would describe as awful and dangerous.

I know I will be nicer to everyone, forever, every chance I get, I told myself over and over again when I was growing up.

I know I will do my best to not be like her and I will do my best to forgive myself for not belonging---for being afraid of so many different things.

So on Mother's Day I say a prayer and a wish for myself and for my mother for falling so short of The Goal: The Love Between Mother and Child.  I say a prayer and a wish that, in the big scheme of things, that our unhealing will be absorbed into all the rest of the walking wounded, the confused and hurting others who are trying, valiantly, to make their way even though they feel incomplete and oh-so tender.

Even though the rest of the world writes poems and songs and stories about how purely mothers love their children.  I am talking about those people who have a hard time understanding those poems and songs and stories.

I say a wish and a prayer for the moving forward and the knowing that I and We and She and They will continue to pry our damaged hearts open and reach our arms toward the trees and the sky and we will forage our way toward endless knowledge and this will start us on our journey of discovery and longing and it will be because of the trauma that we will be driven forward and we will have the deepest knowing that we will all be okay.

Yours In Terminal Uniqueness,
Thelma Thinks-a-Lot

Things I Don't Understand, Items 315 thru 317

315. How, in Before & After Makeover photos, sometimes the Before looks a hundred times better than the After
316. Why bananas have such a hard time getting along with other fruit
317. Personal checks with kitties wearing bows on them

Cooper Being John Belushi in Animal House

In this photo, he is seen fleeing a campus Sizzler, where he took a big stinky poop in the salad bar.

"RRRRRRRAAAAAARGJJJGHHHHHHHHHHRAGGGHAHHHHHHHHHHHHGHHGGGGPPFFFFFFFFFFFTTTT," he says, before passing out, pantless, in the sink.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I'm 49 and, lately, I've noticed that my mouth seems to be disappearing.  It's the oddest thing.  For example, in the morning, when I am reading the paper in bed or if I am engrossed in a book that has me rapt, if I happen to glance up and look at myself in the mirror it is as if I have no lips and in place of my lips and mouth there is just a kind of strange line.  "Have you seen my lips?" I inquire to no one in particular.  Or if I am concentrating and my head is down and my husband makes the VERY UNWISE decision to take a picture of me in my Head Down Concentrating Moment and I look at myself in this photo I find myself asking "Where did my mouth go?"  Now, I am not writing you to ask you if you know what has actually happened to the lower half of my face---no---I am writing to ask you if you think I should wear a Bazooka Joe handkerchief to assist me as I ease into Cronehood or if I should embrace my No Mouthness and start using lipstick on my upper lip and chin the way elderly ladies do or if I should just hope they remake the Anthony Hopkins movie Magic and then audition to be the puppet.
---Permanently Puckered In Podunk

Dear Puckered,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

This is what will happen to you if you are unfortunate enough to see a picture of Mariah Carey, naked and pregnant with twins, on the cover of an entertainment magazine.

Her dreamy expression alone is enough to blow your ears off and the way her arm is placed across her gigantic bazooms is almost certain to give the most stalwart individual a heart attack so do yourself a favor and skedaddle out of  town for a while until we receive the A-OK that it's safe to come back out into the open.

Step Away From the Periodical,
Captain Frozen Face