Monday Judgements and Warnings

As you may or may not know, I am a scientist and I spend my days studying things that other people do not have the wherewithal to study.  Like why Kathie Lee Gifford insists on baring her arms all the time and why the toilet paper that Trader Joe's sells is so unkind to my tushy.

My latest experiment was quite straightforward.  No control group.  No blind, double-blind.  No triple Lutz. No electric shock therapy.  It simply consisted of examining what happens to a deluded candy addict who purchases Halloween treats and, specifically, what kind of treats that candy addict buys and what that candy addict tells herself in order to justify her leap down the rabbit hole:

Oh I know what I'll do! I'll only buy candy that my household loves so no candy will go to waste!

WRONG.  This is what the sneaky candy addict is really thinking:

Oh Snickers Bar--- you nutty scrumptious piece of heaven---come live with me and be my love!

Alarming and horrifying?  Yes.  Brutally honest journalistic science?  Sort of.  Regardless---do not let this happen to you. 

You have the right to remain bloated,
Lieutenant Candy Corn
Junior Mint Division

Sunday Prayer

What I know about fear is that it wants you to think that things are small.  That there is nothing in the world that is larger than the miniscule anxious thoughts that crowd your brain.  That there is no reason to lift your gaze and look outward.  That people and things and places are all unsafe and, above all else, the only way to be is separate.

I know so much about fear and I know so much about anger.  I'm a student of rage and worry.  I've worked so hard to do a lifetime of unlearning and shed myself of the claustrophobic voice in my head that tries to convince me that I am terminally unique---far off and alone and not part of it. 

But after aaaaaaaall of my study---after all of my reframing and journaling and rigorous examining and therapatizing and owning and co-creating and responsibility taking---I've come to know that The Separate Angry Fearful Voice is a big piece of lying doodoo, so as I take my own hand and I place it to my own chin and I lift my face up in order to look out above and over the expansive, unending landscape my prayer for myself is that I continue to unravel my puzzle prison thoughts and that I am able to cultivate the remnants of bravery I know I've always had so that I can keep my heart open in those moments when I forget who I truly am.

Please do not raise your hand if you have a question,
Professor Problematic

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on Saturday, after we've suffered the terror of being ambushed by a five thousand pound possum on our bleary eyed first thing in the morning walk, all it takes to get us back in touch with our brave wolf heritage is a solid half hour snuggle belly scratch session before we're good as new, ready to take on any rodent, with the ones who love us by our side, keeping us safe.

Friday Conclusion

Recently, The Cupcakes had a high cholesterol scare which meant that we needed a Cupcakes vs Bad Cholesterol plan that involved replacing everything we love with everything we kind of hate.

We're getting along quite well I suppose.  The days go by and the sun shines occasionally and we go out and see other people with their coats on.  We smile every now and again as we trudge to Ralphs to purchase our Weight Watcher Giant Latte Bars made of air we dream about cheese.  Sometimes we remember what it was like to use half and half in our coffee and this makes us laugh and/or weep.  In the evening, we cuddle up and we remember what it was like to down an entire thing of Trader Joe's peanut butter cups over the course of several episodes of Treasure Quest and we clutch our micro fleece blankets close to our chests as we drink our tea and sip our Blood Orange soda from Cost Plus and in the quietest moments we each, in our own way, come to the clear and simple conclusion that:

LIFE WITHOUT HAAGEN DAZS AND BEN & JERRY'S AIN'T NO LIFE AT ALL.

Do not go gently into that dark night,
Franny FroYo

Things I Don't Understand, Items 377 thru 379

377. Johnny Depp's accent
378. How quickly the extra pillow case drawer can turn on you
379. Why grocery stores don't have full time consultants in the toothpaste section

Cooper Being Maria Bello in Prime Suspect

Here he confronts a perp who made the grave mistake of asking him where Helen Mirren went.

"I GOT BAAAAAALLS BUDDY!  AND I GOT A FEDORA," he says, with testicle-serious authority.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I recently received an email from "Hummingbird Vine" that said Turn Your Backyard Into a Hummingbird Playground! and I wasn't sure if this was an invitation or a threat.  Now, I know I am risking my life by telling you this but I do not like hummingbirds.  I find them strange and annoying.  Maybe they remind me of my own unsettled soul, who knows, I don't really care at this point---what I want to know is do you think this shoddy set up "Hummingbird Vine" means business and my family and I should pack up and move or should we just accept our fate and get busy installing teensy four inch high swings and miniature monkey bars, jungle gyms and drinking fountains in our storage space?
---Gassy From Worry in Warsaw

Dear Gassy,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

                           

ALL POINTS BULLETIN:

BE ON THE LOOKOUT for a 1980 copper LeSabre driving approximately 12 miles an hour with the license plate:  IMUNEEK.

THIS VEHICLE IS RAGE INCITING AND DANGEROUS AND CONTAINS A POODLE SITTING IN THE FRONT SEAT THAT RESEMBLES SUSAN ANTON WHO WE BELIEVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SEVERAL DOZEN CRIMES IN THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE.

DO NOT--- REPEAT--- DO NOT, under any circumstances attempt to approach, interact with or pass this vehicle.  Do not make eye contact with the poodle.  Do not do a little friendly tap on your horn after the eighty seven millionth mile at wounded turtle speed.  Do not try to intimidate the passive aggressive elderly woman driver by glaring at her in her rearview mirror to show her you've finally snapped and now you mean business so she better say goodbye to her kneecaps. 

IF YOU SEE THIS VEHICLE, IMMEDIATELY PULL OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, CALL 911 AND WAIT FOR A MARTINI. 

Yours In Utter Torment,
The Unlikely Tailgater

Sunday Prayer

Dear Lord,

I know you think I bark too much and I have absolutely NO self control when it comes to cheese, rolling in worms and licking my own behind and that I act like a maladjusted water buffalo any time a fly comes within five hundred yards of me but if you could (I know this might not be possible because you have a lot on your plate for chrissakes) would you kindly make an effort to influence my pack mates with opposing thumbs to remember to hurl things for me whenever they aren't yelling at the television or complaining about how confusing their cell phone bill is praise be to your glory and of course it goes without saying that this is between us, amen.

Saturday SlobberLove

Oh Mappy.  You wise old paper compass.  You.  With your intoxicating wild squiggly lines and endless numbered highways and names of places we never knew existed and shades of loveliest green and blue and white.  The way you reveal yourself to me slowly like some sort of mystical shaman king and then at the last minute you REFUSE to be folded into proper shape.  So headstrong and stubborn.  That's just like you Mappy.  Always the one to be in control.  Even when I veer off course for two and a half panicked hours or so you are right there by my side in the passenger seat like a tour guide with no arms or legs waiting for me to glance over at you just as soon as I accept that I don't really know where the hell I am and that there is, indeed, a difference between North and South. Oh Mappy, we're a pair of crazy madcap travellers, you and I.  Exploring our environs like a pair of excited squirrels.  Going this way and going that way---sometimes fast like we're on some type of dangerous stimulant and sometimes frozen like a statue as if we've been hit by a stun gun.  We have so much fun together don't we Mappy? You would never say I know the exit we were supposed to take was way back there Jesus I told you!!! like some relatives I know and for that I will be your forever girl.

Yours In Wandering Wander,
Dixie Driver

Friday Conclusion

You can call yourself a Democrat or a Republican or a Tea Partier or a Socialist.

You can ignore crosswalks and sprint full force across a four lane highway or you can wait until that little green hand gives you the go ahead.

You can bury your nose in Danielle Steele and The Bible or you can peruse The Daily Beast until Real Time with Bill Maher comes on.

You can order a nice dry Pinot Grigio with dinner or you can down several gin martinis just as your appetizer arrives.

You can sleep in until noon or you can wake up before daybreak.

You can avoid eye contact or you can hold it.

Because no matter what you fancy or what you claim to be your heart's desire preference---we all know there is only one thing that truly matters:

YOU SIMPLY CANNOT DENY THE MIND BLOWING POWER OF FANTASTIC LIGHTING.

Talk to the candle,
Gertrude Glowberg

Things I Don't Understand, Items 374 thru 376

374. What motivates a man to make the no socks, loafers and sweatpants fashion choice
375. The Twilight Series
376. Celery smoothies

Cooper Being Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing

"Nobody puts Baby in the corner, except for everybody," he says, flashing a switchblade.

The Cupcake Lessons

Let me regale you with a little tale.  A story, if you will.  This tale is NOT about what it is, exactly, that motivates someone to say If you will ---that could be a whole other tale worth telling---no this tale, the one I am about to tell you, is about why we need each other in order to exist.

Don't put on your grouchy face now.  Just listen.

My sister (who I believe to be my guardian angel even though she is obsessed with Sour Gummy Worms) has a friend who is a psychologist.  A very cool, open, wise psychologist who I admire and she has a husband who is also a psychologist and whenever I see them I think They are the coolest psychologist couple, I bet they have it all together.  I bet they don't call each other names when one of them forgets to close the fucking freezer.

So one time I call my sister and she is on the other line with The Wise Psychologist and my sister tells me that she has to talk to The Wise Psychologist because she is having a fight with her Wise Psychologist husband.

I cannot believe that these two dreamy people ever fight, I think from my lowly perch.

Shortly after my sister hangs up with PhD, she calls me back and says that PhD is having a Hater Fest about her husband and that PhD had said to my sister:

YOU KNOW I THINK HE'S THE WEIRDEST PERSON I'VE EVER KNOWN.

And I would only tell you this:  I felt slightly GLEEFUL.  I felt happy and relieved.  I felt like it was possible that I was not the only person who thought my husband was the weirdest person in all the galaxies on certain days. Maybe I am not so severely abnormal.  Phew.

And so the other evening, as I settled into my bucolic room at a Bed and Breakfast outside of Yosemite and I waited for Mister Cupcake and his dear friend to meet me at the end of their two day trek across the John Muir Trail----as I sat there and I listened to the lovely couple I'd seen earlier check in to the room next to mine and I listened to them GO AT EACH OTHER IN AN EPIC FIGHT ABOUT WHERE TO GO TO DINNER like a coupla dehydrated coyotes I realized that even though we don't always realize it---or let me speak for my own self---even though I don't always realize it: I am bound and beholden to all the people who I do not know who seem to be just about as intermittently confused and furious and surly as me.  And this is what keeps me going when I feel like a hopeless loser. Because if I am, in all reality, a nit picky controlling worrier, at least I know I am not alone.

Bravisima Los Discontentos!
Inez the Interloper

Cooper Being a Bicycle Helmet

"I am 100% aerodynamic---fueled only by expensive kibble, tender kisses on my clammy snout and small amounts of cottage cheese," he says, prior to vvvvrrrroooooming up Mount Kilimanjaro.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

This evening when my husband and I realized there was YET ANOTHER Republican debate happening we said to each other "How many more fucking Republican debates can there be?" and I have to tell you that, honestly, we could not answer this question.  So we wanted to write to you and ask you if you know if there will ever be a time when there will NOT be a Republican Sass Off happening OR if you think that these Nutter Butter wealthy candidates will burrow into our ears and stage their fake real talk sessions about how juvenile the black man in the White House is forever and ever?
---Vomiting In Vermont

Dear Vomiting,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

You can tell me that you think you're all romantic and shit and plan a glowy dinner for your husband where you stand at the stove wrapped in Post-It notes with roses coming out of your butt and I will tell you that before you can say It's okay you don't have to pick up your clothes, ever, darling you're gonna find yourself in the middle of an onion field looking straight into the barrel of a Somewhere In Time poster answering to THE Goddess of Romance herself Jane Seymour because she is gonna kick your sultry impostor ass.

Now get on back to work,
Lieutenant Lusty Lustberg
Blow Job Division

Sunday Prayer

Oh blessed be unto thee irresistible Nautical Blue Roundy Toy, as we bow down and praise you and think upon the magical CRA-ZAY-ZEE DROOLY GROWLY FUN you bestow upon our daily lives may you rise up and look upon those who hurl you across rooms for us and would that you could tap those lovable turd buckets on the heads and remind them how important it is to have Throw-Catch-Throw-Catch-Throw-Catch-Throw-Catch-Throw-Catch snuggle time praise be to all that is holy amen hallelujah.

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on Saturday we think for one minute that even though we like listening to Prairie Home Companion for up to three times over the weekend and even though we feel like we are so full up with sadness and grief and wistful worrying that we should just go crawl into a cave like that little revolting guy from Lord of the Rings and even though we have logged so many hours in therapy that we wish for there to be an Hours Logged In Therapy Olympics just so we can win a gold medal and even though we secretly long for things to have been different with our meanie of a mother and we fear we will still be thinking this when we are a 90 year old and even though we think we are stronger than anyone knows and this is our secret and even though we have a hard time so much of the time and even though we wish we could listen to the soundtrack from Gigi and have a singalong with our neighbors and even though strangers who smile at us scare us and even though as we fall asleep sometimes we wonder if this is what it's like to fall away into death and we think we are too morose for the general public and even though we think we should be arrested or at the very least fined for how long our sentences are and even though the thoughts we tell ourselves are just so unreasonably cruel to ourselves---we still forgive our own scraggly, confused behavior because we truly feel that we try SO HARD and in our deepest heart we know this is all that matters.

Yours In Thought Exhaustion,
Angsty Angsterson

Things I Don't Understand, Items 371 thru 373

371. Women who say "I have to go tinkle"
372. Senor Frogs
373. When your seat belt pulls that You Are Trapped bullshit

Cooper Being Jeff Bridges in True Grit

"Fill your hands, you son's uh bitches," he says, in between substantial, slightly masterful swigs of scotch.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Tips For Ordering the Dish Poo Krob With Your Thai Delivery Order: 

(from my groundbreaking workshop Be Better!---Be Anyone Other Than Who You Are!)

1.  Fast Talker Technique:  Say it fast as a locomotive: "prkb"---so it's like you hardly said it but you said it enough that the person taking your order could understand.  This works well if you're doing laundry and there is a loud dryer going in the background.
2.  Second Rate Celebrity/Journalist Conundrum Technique:  Say it while you're staring at a photo of Stone Phillips or some other odd, confusing celebrity/journalist.  This will keep you distracted enough that you forget that you're ordering Poo.
3.  The Holler:  Yell it at the top of your lungs while you're jumping up and down and out of breath:  "POO KROB!" This is just really effective because there is so much going on and the startley loud thing is a keeper.
4.   Stupid Xenophobe Technique:  Go "Do you have Paw Krawb?" and then wait for the order taker to do the rest of the work.  Magic and effortless.

Good luck with these.  I have found #2 and #4 to be the most effective however you should experiment with what feels right for your personality. The important thing is to make them your own!  If none of them work, though, don't come to me for a refund or a credit of any kind whatsoever because I will not be able to tell if you implemented the technique correctly or if you did The Holler loud enough or whatever.  Just know this: you're on your own and you will be held responsible and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law for any of those extra mini creamer things you stole.

Now Go Get 'Em!
Coach Crazyface

Sunday Prayer

Oh Heavenly Creator if you could take just a moment or two and make sure the wayward democrats I live with pay attention to the importance of  Devotional Sharkey Throw Time I would be eternally grateful and be in service to you forever and by the way the democrats don't regularly recycle and if anyone asks we never spoke about this if you know what I mean it'll be our little secret praise be how great thou art---amen.