Delusional Belief

Vague yet ongoing and persistent:

I am looking forward to my professional tennis career.

Friday Lament

It's funny the things that stay with you about someone after that person dies. Just now, I was tending to stuff in the kitchen after we had done our Friday Trader Joes visit and I realized that there are so many odd yet delicious meals we eat because of Robert. I laughed inside because it exemplifies exactly why I loved Robert so much. His WAY of living was so unbelievably appealing to me and knowing him for so many years I picked up a lot of tricks from the old, spry man.

I am going to write a book some day and it is going to be a compilation of UNprofound habits and traits that are passed on from one generation to the next. When I think of it, those smallish Robert idiosyncrasies are the most excruciating when they come to mind because they are the reminders of all the Robert Things that I will never again actually see. Like that way he used to pour his tea and rave about how the cup was "BONE CHINA!" ---an elegant bargain he found at Marshalls or how he used to call dinner, supper or how he would tuck his wine glass into the freezer all snuggled in between the frozen peas and packages of fish and chips or how he xeroxed that photo of Mikhail Baryshnikov and we sat and stared at it for about three hours.

How he used rubber bands for EVERYTHING. Just now when I was putting away the sugar and I wasn't quite satisfied with the zip-locky capability of the bag I pulled out a handy dandy rubber band from the rubber band section we have in the drawer and that did the trick. Who would have thought that would have made me miss Robert so.

It would be so interesting to me to see a list of other inane tributes.

HERE LIES ETHEL
SHE ALWAYS HAD FRESH RADISHES ON HAND

or

RAMON LIVED LIFE FULLY
HIS PENCHANT FOR USING AND REUSING PLASTIC CONTAINERS WAS AN ART FORM

or

BETTY PASSED AWAY PEACEFULLY
REFUSING TO BELIEVE THAT THE ACCENT IN THE WORD "POSITIVE" WAS ON THE "POS" AND NOT THE "TIVE"

And on and on like that. Thus proving the theory that the best religion is the religion of Daily Life.

Pensively Yours,
Griefy Grieferson

Cooper Being Cybill Sheperd In The Last Picture Show

Before shoulder pads and Bruce Willis came along and sent one sultry beauty's career straight down the crapper.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

If I have a day that resembles the red, blue and purple bald ass of a baboon but I think of being on a road trip or living on a farm or reading the Sunday paper will that make the red, blue and purple bald baboon ass not so large and stinkbutt- horrifying and thieving of spirit?
---Eyes-Bugging-Out-Of-My-Head Anxious In Skokie

Dear Head,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Current causes for extreme concern:

1. Getting snagged in a conversation seconds after pouring milk into my bowl of cereal so that by the time I take my first bite it has turned from Crispy Squares Of Delicious Shredded Wheat cereal to Pile Of Leaves and Hay In The Rain cereal

2. Drivers who mistake alley next to house for the autobahn

3. The entire cast of Slumdog Millionaire. These lunatics are sitting in my living room right now talking about their triumphant victory. They say it STILL HAS NOT SUNK IN and they CANNOT BELIEVE THIS HAS HAPPENED. They cannot stop smiling. "THIS IS SO JOYFUL!" they continue to shriek at the top of their lungs and just when I thought they were finally starting to wind down, one of the adorable children jumped up and started doing an elaborate dance he called the "WE WON!-WE WON!-WE ARE SO HAPPY!" dance and now it is as if they were just told of their Oscar win for the first time all over again. As I type this they have lifted my husband up over their heads, twirling him around and around chanting "ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!"

Just Kidding,
Mrs. Someone Had To Say It

The Worst Of The Bad Things = True

Elements of the equation for why I am doubtful I will be able to sleep tonight without periodically breaking out in a flop sweat and screaming "NO!" every hour or so:


1. frosted hair, cabbage patch doll Barbara Walters, lisp
2. Hugh Jackman
3. squinty eyes that she thinks translate to "I am a probing investigator-interviewer, so GET OUT DA WAY, I am not washed up yet"
4. blah blah blah blah struggle blah blah blah blah are you gay? blah blah blah remember when YOU GAVE ME A LAP DANCE
5. odd, 70's gyration and old lady giggling

And I'm thinking now overall the evening was filled with some nice entertainment and then Barbara has to go and RUIN everything by finishing off her 3 seconds of freaky interview segments and 9 hours of commercials in between with Hugh Jackman giving her a lap dance. Where is her ADVISOR? What about Dan Rather? Isn't he still giving her hints about how not to make people need tranquilizers because you've upset them with the images you've carelessly splashed across their televisions?

Barbara did not listen.

Regretfully,
That lady in the corner mumbling to her shoe

Bear Grylls Is So Brave He Eats Bear Poop = True

We've started off our GLORIOUS WEEKEND by doing the usual and incredibly satisfying activities:

1. Walk through neighborhood conducting Nicest House, Creepiest House Contest
2. Evaluation, reconstruction and freshening up of all candles to prepare the house before dinner
3. Eat dinner
4. Watch a Man vs Wild with Bear Grylls that we have not seen yet

Just when I'm thinking "I don't think it's possible to be more content this evening" Bear starts eating a big pile of bear poop and he follows this activity up with giving us advice about what to do if a brown bear is "coming at you" which involves RUNNING and throwing something down "for it to sniff" and I'm thinking:

NUMBER ONE: PLEASE PLEASE no never never ever have me be like Bear and be in the Romanian forest near Transylvania eating bear doo.

NUMBER TWO: If I am EVER even CLOSE to a bear please make sure that I, unlike Bear Grylls, have a machine gun, Hummer and many hundreds of helpers with guns to keep me good and gosh darn safe.

NUMBER THREE: Instead of going into the woods all by my lonesome like Bear, please let me be in the warmth of my tub drinking my tea waiting to eat my Peppermint Patties because I would FREEZE WITH TERROR if I did what Bear Grylls does.

My husband, on the other hand, plays the important role of poking holes in Bear's strategies and situations and activities which can be very precarious and highly unbelievable and not unlike some of our camping trips. According to my husband.

And that's why we LOVE to start the weekend off watching Man vs Wild.

Dutifully yours,
Junior Senator from somewhere serious

Things I Don't Understand, Items 16 thru 18

16. Handlebar moustaches
17. Houses with curtains on the outside
18. Water parks

Concerned Cooper

Seconds before this photo was taken he was informed that this Sunday at the Academy Awards Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will all be attending the same event for the first time. And Jennifer's date will be John Mayer.

"I thought I got nervous diarrhea tummy. Can you even imagine how Jen must feel?" he said.

Tuesday Confession

I hate Rachel Madow.

You heard me.

As you were,
The Outcast

ValenTyne Daly = Good, True

I saw a bumper sticker today that said:

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE AREN'T THINGS

Clever. Although dangerously inaccurate. I wonder if the person with that bumper sticker has ever seen, tasted or used any of the following:

1. The remote control
2. 98% of the inventory in Smart & Final
3. A new bath mat
4. Diet Peach Snapple
5. Cloth napkins
6. Hydrangea bouquets
7. Twinings Orange Pekoe
8. Netflix (when managed properly)
9. Evenly burning lilac smelling candles
10. 100% cotton socks that fit perfectly
11. Neutrogena face soap
12. Girard's Champagne salad dressing
13. Digital cameras
14. Sven clogs
15. Rugs that pull rooms together
16. Sharpies
17. Index cards
18. The Naked Bee Body Lotion
18. Cream colored table cloths
19. Turtlenecks that neither choke nor hang too loosely
20. Good nail clippers
21. Harpers Magazine
22. Wall calenders with photographs of National Parks
23. Tents that don't leak when it rains
24. Stuart Weitzman boots
25. Q-tips

I suppose I could live without these items but life would be a lot more drudgey and depressing. I may be totally out of it but I can't think of anything more satisfying that knowing for sure that the most reliable and sturdy zip locks are Glad by far. Now if I were not a Thing Person how would I know that? I wouldn't. So, what have we learned today? We have learned that there should be a new bumper sticker that should say:

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE USUALLY FOR SALE AT ANTHROPOLOGIE OR VONS OR MARSHALLS OR PATAGONIA OR RITE-AID OR ON MONTANA AVENUE OR IF YOU HAVE A MONTH OFF AND THE PATIENCE OF A BRAIN SURGEON AND YOUR MARRIAGE IS ROCK SOLID---IKEA AND ROSS

Sincerely,
Mayor of Non-Generic Tylenol

What Fridays Are = True

Fridays, to me, are:

1. Frosty snowflakes tickling my bum
2. Goodness and sweet smiles from elves who clean my toilet bowl (at no charge!)
3. Peaceful, twinkly lights that line the tunnel of my consciousness as I drift off to nappy sleep toward that Shangri-La known as Saturday Morning


Dearly,
Queen of Relax Time

Things I Don't Understand, Items 13 thru 15

13. Powdered milk
14. The name "Pervis"
15. Sweatpants with elastic around the ankles

Sincerely,
Sue the Quickest Mule

Cooper Being Malcom Macdowell In A Clockwork Orange

He's all, "ANIMAL CRUELTY---YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!" because we taped his eyes open and forced him to stare at a photograph of Ann Coulter while blasting Pat Metheny albums.

And we were like, "Mister and Missus have to find some way to entertain themselves without spending their hard earned cash, lil pup. Now, shut your snout---here comes the really jazzy part where it sounds like a trillion baby birds imitating a rhinestone embossed jackhammer!"

Until Next Time,
Lead Reporter for The Granola Is Deceptively Fattening Press

Shoe Advice = Odd

I saw this sign in the window of a shoe repair shop:

WATCH YOUR HEELS.
OTHERS DO.

I'm not sure I agree with that. I wanted to ask them what it meant but then I thought they would look at my heels and judge me and I have enough to worry about so I left their ramshackle cobbler's hut, backing out silently.

Respectfully,
Assistant To The Person Ahead Of You In Line Who Is Buying Two Dozen Banquet Frozen Dinners

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Best to steer clear of:

1. People who are overly reliant upon scarves to spice up their wardrobe
2. Pet owners who say "He's friendly" about their growling dogs
3. Carp

As you were,
Sergeant of the question "So What's the Damage?"

Sunday: Other People's Sentences

Here are several sentences from a paragraph that I think is Good. It's from Cat's Eye and Margaret Atwood wrote it.

*************************

The telephone rings. It's Grace. "You want to come out and play?" she says, in her neutral voice that is at the same time blank and unsoft, like glazed paper. I know Cordelia is standing beside her. If I say no, I will be accused of something. If I say yes, I will have to do it. I say yes.

*************************

I have so many different books that are like relatives---much bigger than my actual family---and Cat's Eye is definitely my favorite protective Aunt. There was such a gigantic kerfuffle about The Handmaid's Tale so if you only read one Margaret Atwood book and that was it you'd be wandering around with the wrong impression. Cat's Eye has the all time best mean girl character and she is referenced in the paragraph above. Cordelia. Mean in that way that only little girls can be mean and devastatingly uncaring in that way only a creepy jealous mean girl can be. And mean in that way that makes you want to stick with her until she redeems herself.

I like flipping through this book and reading a paragraph here and a page there every now and then just to remember that feeling of meeting Cordelia for the first time and loving Margaret Atwood for putting a name on that insidious thing that starts the first time you say "Yes, I wanna come out and play" even when you don't want to because you're afraid of what Cordelia might say.

Yours In Scrunched Forehead Wonder,
Jenny From Ballistics

Friday Conclusions = True

1. At the end of Legends Of The Fall Anthony Hopkins for sure used Liberace as a character study
2. It's totally fine that Gallagher is no longer on the comedy circuit
3. Two Peppermint Patties after dinner are definitely better than pineapple
4. Palm trees are the sleazy italian men of the tree world

Athletic Lady Feedback = True

Alternative name suggestions for Big Baby Davis if he wants to change his moniker:

1. Large Larry
2. Pooh Bear of the Court
3. Sasquatch

Sympathetically Yours,
Mrs. It's Not Like I'm The Only One

That Man and The Moon = Good

You know how there are certain moments or evenings or conversations in your life that leave a grooved mark on your heart that you think of frequently and each time you do you feel a sense of well being? And as time goes on it almost seems like there is a Helper You who's job it is to keep a giant file cabinet full of these happy memories? So that when Worrier You is not feeling tip-top Helper You hauls ass to the Happy File Cabinet and pulls out some masterpiece to remind you how lovely things usually are?

This photograph is one of those moments for me. It is of the full moon, rising over Half Dome. My husband took it the night we decided to attend a lecture given by an exceptionally top notch Park Ranger. I love Park Rangers and find them to be the nicest most knowledgeable people and this guy was the best and gave the most interesting talk about the lighting in Yosemite Valley. There was a pretty hefty sized group of us listening to him---rapt. We were all different shapes and sizes. Some of us seemed like seasoned hikers and nature lovers and others of us seemed like gnarly tourists who ate too many cheetos. But the Park Ranger brought us together in a way that felt like we'd soon start sharing our secret fears, dreams and insecurities.

Mister Park Ranger told us, before he started his talk, that the full moon was going to be rising and that whoever caught the first glimpse of her rising should yell "Moon!" So, as he spoke and the sky grew dark dark dark blue we were all perched on rocks or railings gathered around him --- listening and watching like eager beagles waiting for kibble.

Just as we were all totally lost in the information Parkie was imparting, this sweaty large man who I would have pegged as a Nascar fan from Arkansas gasped, threw his arms out wide and shrieked "MOON!" I'll never forget his big giant belly and humongous Van tennis shoes. I remember thinking he looked like a teenage girl who'd just spotted The Beatles. "Look! It's PAUL!!!!!"

Every time I look at this photograph I am filled with happy and awe just as much for that bright white moon as I am for my memory of him and how we all turned our shiny faces first toward him, then his giant sausage hands, following his finger stretched, pointing---almost touching that gorgeous moon rising over the granite.

Sincerely,
Manager of Wistful Thinking

Things I Like More Than Ann Coulter = True

1. Knee surgery without anesthesia
2. Weevils in my coffee
3. Unauthorized charges on my credit card
4. Having my ears varnished
5. Being forced to have the same hairstyle as Kim Jong-il

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Things to be wary of:

1. People who say "It's all good!" about everything, especially when something really bad and tragic happens
2. Spumoni
3. Using the word "piddle" if your goal is to garner respect

For Robert

Perfection Wasted

And another regrettable thing about death
is the ceasing of your own brand of magic,
which took a whole life to develop and market --
the quips, the witticisms, the slant
adjusted to a few, those loved ones nearest
the lip of the stage, their soft faces blanched
in the footlight glow, their laughter close to tears,
their tears confused with their diamond earrings,
their warm pooled breath in and out with your heartbeat,
their response and your performance twinned.
The jokes over the phone. The memories
packed in the rapid-access file. The whole act.
Who will do it again? That's it: no one;
imitators and descendants aren't the same.

John Updike