Things I Don't Understand, Items 261 thru 263

261. Publishers Clearing House
262. The way Julia Roberts pronounces "Portuguese" in Mystic Pizza
263. The Tea Party (obviously)

Cooper Being Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself," he says, as he darts away, wild eyed from a scary plastic bag that appears to be human.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Right, so you're all:  Love and Peace On Earth and Christmas Spirit and Baby Jesus In Bethlehem and God's Mercy and Who Cares About Getting an  iPad As Long As We Have Family? and Beef Tenderloin From Whole Foods Rocks Galaxies and Give the Gift of Caring and Joy of the Season and Give Of Oneself and God Bless Us Everyone!

And I'm all:  Uh-huh, yeah. And also: ------ RICHIE SAMBORA. 

AND THEN YOU PLOTZ.

Wake up and smell the hair gel,
Her Royal Scroogeness

Cooper Being Robert Redford in The Way We Were

"I know there is a likely chance you won't believe this but that movie was so romantic that even my gut-wrenched butterfly stomach was weak from sad sobbing, longing, lovelorn lost, Why Do You Have To Be a Socialist?, beach/boat scenes to die for, side swept blond bangs, lanky-sexy walk down the staircase, coulda-woulda-shoulda, WHY-OH-WHY-OH-WHY-NOT-WHY? dreamy all of what we wish about love" he says, making the maple leaves he sits on look devastatingly handsome.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

This morning I had the misfortune of seeing a LIFESTYLE EXPERT spout various platitudes about sponges and blouses and gift buying and belts and bangs on the Today Show and I couldn't help but notice that she was wearing a dress that one might describe as: 

GHASTLY
or
THE COLOR AND PATTERN THAT REPRESENTS ALL THAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD
or
HIDEOUS MULTIPLIED BY INFINITY
or
INTENSE NAUSEA

And I thought she should keep her trap shut when it comes to anything expert.

So you need to keep an eye out for this bag of hot air and her expert suggestions because if she is such an expert and she can swoop into your relatively peaceful and innocent existence and tell you what you need to change to be happier and better then why in the name of all that is holy is she wearing something that resembles the holocaust as a frock? 

Keep your eyes down and run fast,
Sergeant Seriousness
First in Command, Phony Patrol

Things I Don't Understand, Items 258 thru 260

258.  People who regularly refer to themselves in the third person
259.  Black plates
260.  Clamato juice

Cooper Being Crispin Glover in River's Edge

This photo was taken moments before he ate dirt and stuffed maple leaves into his ears in order to get into character.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I have been wondering how to get my husband to sob more in public like that cuddly loose nut John Boehner.  I've tried jumping out of the closet in the middle of the night screaming at the top of my lungs that chips and salsa no longer exist.  I've tried forcing him to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond with me---EVERY DAY FOR NINE DAYS STRAIGHT. I've tried tacking his eyes open and forcing him to watch twelve dozen consecutive episodes of Dr. Phil.  I've tried talking non-stop for ninety seven hours straight about which kind of moisturizer I think is the best and does not sting when I layer it over my anti-oxidant base layer.  I've given him pop quiz after pop quiz about the various nuances between US Weekly, TMZ and People.  I've demanded that he watch The View each and every morning with a full PowerPoint presentation following and I've insisted that he wear peach more but nothing has made him the fragile mush ball that is John Boehner.  My question to you is, do you think I should bring in the big guns and drag him along on my next pilgrimage to The Container Store or do you think that he just is not as sappy, maladjusted and unhinged as John Boohoo Boehner?
Ready For Warfare In Rhode Island

Dear Warfare,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Beg pardon but I am FULLY aware that the country entire is focused on debating what, exactly, the true definition of the word compromise is and which poopillionairres are going to get to save a tuppence and why our president isn't meaner or tougher or whiter but may I remind you that no one---and I mean not one person---has gathered their wits about them, taken a step back from the mayhem and taken a deep breath in order to remind everyone on earth that:

PEPPERED SALAMI IS NEVER APPROPRIATE IN CLOSE TALKING SOCIAL SITUATIONS.

I'll need to see your license and registration,
Detective Dan Dead Skunk Smell
24th Stink Squadron, Pee-You Police

Cooper Being Yves Montand in On a Clear Day You Can See Forever

Here he is seen pretending to be looking far away forward, past the ginormous hat-wrap-turban thing Barbra Streisand wore for the better part of the movie.

"It was as though she were wearing the Chrysler Building on her head," he says, disgusted.

The Cupcake Lessons

Once upon a time there was a lady who went to a movie with her lady friend.  Two lady friends going to a movie, in other words.  Simple enough, no?

What movie?  What time?  Parking spot! Good seats! This is the life.

These were two lucky lady friends INDEED.

But wait a minute.  This is the wrong movie.  What movie is this?  Where are we?  Who am I?

At this point in our fable the two lady friends, alone in a dark room full of strangers, tilt their heads together and confer.  The lady friend who recommended the movie fretfully apologizes.  Had I known...well, you know---I hope you will not hold it against me.

The innocent lady friend who tagged along simply sits and watches while the lady friend who brewed up this whole stinking idea simply shakes her head and says to herself:

If I had known that the ACTUAL title of this movie was Anne Hathaway's Boobs All the Time Constantly Without End I never would have suggested it. 

Live and learn,
Beulah of the Braless

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes, on holiday afternoons, we take turns imitating how we think the Baby Jesus looked as he lay in the manger and we imagine the poor little messiah all curled up in the mini-wheelbarrow he was in with all the opportunists crowded around him out there in the hay and the cold and we feel especially grateful for our five ton collection of fleecy throws. 

Bottoms Up!
Lesser Known Fourth Wise Man

Things I Don't Understand, Items 255 thru 257

255. Russell Brand
256. When people terrorize older drivers
257. Fringe

Cooper Being Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut

"HHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELPP MMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he shrieks, in total silence.