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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I have been wondering how to get my husband to sob more in public like that cuddly loose nut John Boehner.  I've tried jumping out of the closet in the middle of the night screaming at the top of my lungs that chips and salsa no longer exist.  I've tried forcing him to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond with me---EVERY DAY FOR NINE DAYS STRAIGHT. I've tried tacking his eyes open and forcing him to watch twelve dozen consecutive episodes of Dr. Phil.  I've tried talking non-stop for ninety seven hours straight about which kind of moisturizer I think is the best and does not sting when I layer it over my anti-oxidant base layer.  I've given him pop quiz after pop quiz about the various nuances between US Weekly, TMZ and People.  I've demanded that he watch The View each and every morning with a full PowerPoint presentation following and I've insisted that he wear peach more but nothing has made him the fragile mush ball that is John Boehner.  My question to you is, do you think I should bring in the big guns and drag him along on my next pilgrimage to The Container Store or do you think that he just is not as sappy, maladjusted and unhinged as John Boohoo Boehner?
Ready For Warfare In Rhode Island

Dear Warfare,
Good luck,


The Zadge said...

Dear Warfare, Just try telling him that he and his rich friends might have to lose .00005% of their wealth to pay down the deficit.

duffylou said...

Have you tried a kick in the shin or slamming his hand in the car door?

Twisted Susan said...

I've had success with simultaneously stomping on my man's instep while telling him that his beloved Yankees won't be televised that evening.

Joann Mannix said...

Man, that dude cries more than Michael Landon in all of his Little House On The Prairie days! It's crazy what a weenie he is!

I would try embedding headphones into the inner portion of his ears and playing Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber and top it off with a little Celine Dion, non stop. That will bring out a torrential storm of tears, guaranteed.

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

I think you hit on the solution with by watching the View. Turn up the volume when Elisabeth Hasselbeck speaks, that will make anyone sob.

Nance said...

Remember when Rush Limbaugh went all Mood Swingier Than Usual during that little Rx drug problem? Hmmm.