WARNING: THIS POST IS AN INTERACTIVE, FOLLOW DIRECTIONS POST. IF YOU DO NOT DO WHAT THE POST TELLS YOU TO DO YOU WILL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL. THIS IS NOT SOME LAME CHAIN EMAIL THAT MAKES THREATS IT DOESN'T KEEP. YOU SHOULD ONLY READ ON IF YOU ARE PREPARED TO INTERACT.
OKAY...as you read what I've written here, you have to do that thing people do when they're making the beat box rapper sound with their hand over their mouth and it kind of sounds like a motorboat but with a slobbery bass rhythm.
So make that sound with your hand over your mouth and get a good beat going as if you're a bad ass Ice-T or Vanilla Ice (prior to his decent into horror) and do not concern yourself if this happens to upset your dogs. They may look at you like you's a mad woman. Pay them no never mind. Get your attitude on! You're a rapper! SCREW THEM!
Then, as you read on further in this yarn I am weaving, get up out of your chair. YOU HEARD ME: GET UP OUTCHER CHAIR and stomp your feet as you honk out your faux rapster beat and then picture ME with my Bob Greene's The Best Life Diet book as I strut on into my kitchen and whip up one of his recipes.
ARE YOU RAPPING?! ARE YOU STOMPING? Because I'm about tuh cook up a BEST LIFE meal sistuhs.
Okay so then, start to do that thing where you kind of jut your chest out while at the same time you kick one of your legs back behind you like Janet Jackson in the Rhythm Nation video and then (this is very important) bend your knees REALLY DEEP and circle your head in an almost violent way (again: do not give credence to any pets that may be near you; they just do not understand the energy you are harnessing and how important it is) and so you're bending, you're bending and you're whipping your head, you're whipping your head and jutting your chest and kicking your foot then the other foot and just as you start to pump your fist picture me opening my kitchen cupboard (as I do a little Rita Moreno jiggle jiggle sweatpants jiggle as if I am Michael Jackson when he did that magical Grammy performance except I do not have glittery socks on as a matter of fact I am 100% drab in my attire but this does not matter---I am living my best life) and then as all of this is happening I grab a Bob Greene Live Your Best Life ingredient and I sashay into the middle of my dining room with my head thrown back ala Juliet Prowse (YOU, at this point, have started kicking and thrusting and doing the bump in a kind of magnificent crescendo) and I sashay, sashay, sashay and I STOP and jiggle my torso in an Earth, Wind and Fire way and I pronounce:
GIT GIT GIT GIT ON OUT DA WAY
WHEN I'M PROCESSIN' MY WASSA CRACKERS
IN MY FOOD PROCESSOR HEY
CUZ WHEN I'M PROCESSIN' MY WASSA
IN MY FOOD PROCESSOR HEY
YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA BE A MUTHUH FUCKER OF A DAY
YEAH YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA BE A MUTHUH FUCKER OF A DAY
Thanks for participating,
Thelma "Thirty Two Grams of Fat" Thorazine