Cooper's Senior Portrait

"Those were the days," he says, growing slightly wistful.

When we remind him that he spent most of his high school years in a toxic relationship with a narcissistic cheerleader named Cindy, he gets defensive, forever clinging to his denial like a piece of slobber drenched rawhide.

"What you fail to understand is that Cindy was a basset hound and basset hounds are naturally promiscuous, selfish and smelly. It was just her nature," he explains.