Saturday SlobberLove

Is there anything more glorious than waking up at 5:14 AM on Saturday and briefly thinking it is Thursday when you have to wear your logo-ed shirt (that you don't have because you're a subversive communist)and go make small talk with people who miss George W. Bush and think Michelle Obama should just stop gardening and then realizing that all you really need to do on this morning is to figure out how to masterfully shmoosh the pillows your husband left on his side of the bed so perfectly that you might not need to move until the next election?

Is there anything more lovely? I don't think so.

Bonjour,
Snoozy Von Snoozerstein

Friday Conclusion

Over the years, Mister Cupcake and I periodically reminisce about the most awful clunker death trap cars we've had. My favorite is the half crushed hideous orange leaky sun roof NO left window brakes that worked sometimes but mostly not VW bug that I had to drive back and forth in El Nino hurricane rain through the San Fernando Valley and his is the "thing that was like a terrible VW Rabbit but worse" with an exploding stick shift that he fixed using a wire hangar and prayer although he is not religious.

You might refer to these two vehicles as REAL BEAUTS.

I think we do this because we like to laugh our fool heads off and then eventually realize that it is a miracle we are both alive before we go gaze into the headlights of our current cars and just feel so much true love and perfect tire pressure and shiny Armor All cleanliness and chains in their own special container pride.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

HAVING A PIECE OF SHIT CAR IN EARLY ADULTHOOD TENDS TO MAKE ONE ESPECIALLY APPRECIATIVE LATER IN LIFE.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 100 thru 102

100. Women who apply mascara in the car
101. 39 year old decorative bottles of olive oil filled with sage
102. The way Glenn Close runs

Cooper Being Snoop Dogg

"Yo. Throw my toy or I'll write another song about your big butt," he threatens.

Then he slinks into the bathroom and braids his hair into the shape of a Coupe De Ville.

Things Of Which I Am 100% Certain

1. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west
2. Marv Albert is slowly morphing into a combination of Herman Munster, Sandy Duncan and Adam Sandler
3. There is never a moment of the day or night when there is not some determined employee somewhere trying to rally other fellow employees to stop being selfish slobs and to start washing they're own goddamn coffee cups.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Whenever I get the slightest bit uppity with myself, like I'm all---I'm so great because I made a donation to KUSC the classical music station or I can fold a fitted sheet with my eyes closed, what is every one's problem? or I wonder if there is anyone more proficient at bath water to bubble bath ratio than me---I seriously doubt it or You know I really should have pursued my dream of becoming a ballerina because I am still VERY graceful---when I am tooting my own horn like this, I have to have a little side bar with myself that goes something along these lines:

DON'T FORGET, ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS IS KEEP THE FIRE BY KENNY LOGGINS AND WHENEVER YOU HEAR IT YOU GET ALL CHOKED UP LIKE HOW KATHY LEE GIFFORD GETS WHEN SHE BLATHERS ON ABOUT CODY AND CASSIDY AND THEN THERE IS THAT SMALL ISSUE OF EARTH, WIND AND FIRE'S REASONS BUT I THINK YOU'VE REALIZED YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS AT THIS POINT, HAVEN'T YOU?

Later gator,
Denny from Shop Class

Sunday Share

The thing about grief:

On a day that is such a wonderful day---when the afternoon air is crisp, like how I imagine Happy to be and things go swimmingly in such a way that I wonder what on earth I did to have such a lovely life---it is on a day such as this that my heart is heaviest and feels abundant grief-cloaked thoughts that fall under the IF ONLY category of wishful thinking.

If only my dad could have seen our view from the porch.

If only my dad could have tasted this coffee from this cup from this place just blocks down from our front door, so near to the ocean.

If only my dad were here to give me the real lowdown on which pitch was proper in the Sixth game of the furious series that that survivor Scioscia was in charge of.

If only I could join that strong optimistic group of grown up people who know and embrace and realize that there are no If Only's when it comes to death---especially the death of an old, ailing man.

If only the time passing made it sweeter and lighter and not just one more great day that he wasn't here.

Gloomily Yours,
Berefty Berefterson
Bereft Town, USA

Saturday SlobberLove

I love Tone soap SO MUCH, it's unnatural.

Dear Tone soap,

I love you with all my heart and soul.

Forever,
Cupcake

Friday Conclusion

Recently, I was feverishly looking online for a dining room table for our new residence, kind of like how Tony Robbins looks for stadiums to hold his seminars---this is how determined and pumped up I was. I Want a New! Table To Go With Our New! Place In Our New! Neighborhood---this was the fantastic fuel LURCHING my engine forward and making me all happy inside. And as I scrolled and clicked and drooled and became more aware of how awful my posture is at the computer I realized: Our new table will be ROUND and this ROUND table will be a celebration of the fact that we no longer live on an alley and this ROUND FREEDOM FROM ALLEY CELEBRATION TABLE was for sale at Anthropologie and we must purchase it even if it means we will be homeless in our retirement.

What a very glorious and ingenious and life-affirming plan I have manifested. I must share this plan with Mister Cupcake immediately, I thought.

But Mister Cupcake was not on board with the FREEDOM ROUND TABLE plan at all. Not only was Mister Cupcake unimpressed with the gorgeous word work on the base of the table, Mister Cupcake seemed to be psychotically focused on only the COST of the ALLEY BE GONE FREEDOM TABLE and then proclaimed the following:

"People buying tables at Anthropologie is not us."

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

MISTER CUPCAKE NEEDS TO RE-EXAMINE THE KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE AND THEN HE NEEDS TO ATTEND A WORKSHOP ON GRAMMAR AT THE LEARNING ANNEX

Yours In Tragic Regret,
Sebastian Hollingsworth III, the Intricately Carved Round Pedestal Table

Things I Don't Understand, Items 97 thru 99

97. Athletes who wear extremely bulky jewelry
98. When people talk baby talk to old people
99. How anyone, in good conscience, can call Country Bear Jamboree at Disneyland a Family Attraction when we all know it is a Horror-Filled Nightmare Ride Into the Bowels of Hell

Cooper Being the Dr. Doolittle of the Plant World

Here he is seen conversing with a potted plant, suffering from clinical depression due to a terrible gnat infestation.

"You have more strength in ONE of your leaves than an entire swarm of those revolting aphids put together," he advises, with Maya Angelou-like wisdom, "YOU WILL RISE AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND YOU ARE A PHENOMENAL PLANT SO DON'T FORGET THAT YOU IDIOT."

Then he recommends some quiet time and perhaps a couple three or four or 30 sips from a martini to lift the spirits a bit.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

If I drink Twinings Irish Breakfast tea in the evening will Bono and The Edge come to my house and give me a lecture about personal responsibility and how to use long leather coats as a way to say "Hey! Eff OFF!" to The Man or will I just need to pay a small fine?
---Cowering in the Corner in Cooter

Dear Corner,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If I had to choose one celebrity that appears to be THE MOST unlike me in every way imaginable I think that celebrity would be Matthew McConaughey.

I'm not talking about the obvious differences like gender and the fact that he takes long jogs with his dog OFF leash---those are pretty obvious and clear. I'm talking about overall beingness.

Like, I would never in a million years---even if you gave me a hundred dollar gift certificate to Trader Joe's---get really high and run around my house in the nude playing the bongos. It would just NEVER occur to me to do this.

And I would never go barefoot as much as Matthew or sustain that slurry-Hey Sexy Lady-speech thing he does that telegraphs---CONSTANTLY NUDE AND CONFIDENT EVEN WHEN I'M NOT PLAYING BONGOS, HIGH.

Also, I'm not sure Matthew can read although I am an avid reader. I saw him on Larry King the other night with Sanjay Gupta and I am certain that Matthew got confused when Larry and Sanjay used big words like "suspenders" or "okay" and when this happened Matthew switched the subject real fast to his clothing line jk livin(difference #45 I'd never have a clothing line but just say I was forced to I would not use ALL lower case letters for the brand name) and then he recommended to Larry that he improve his posture by dancing around the house nude, playing bongos, really high.

Don't hate me because I'm hateful,
Bert the Resentful Salmon

Saturday SlobberLove

Due to a half dozen million bizarro events that my childhood was slathered with it is probably no surprise to anyone who spends more than one hour with me that I have a tendency to worry and fret. One might classify me as neurotic and kind of annoying but those who know and love me might classify me as REALLY organized, kind of bossy and overly nice to people who are not getting a fair shake. All this to say, I feel 100% safe around not too many people. I married one of them but this was after an interview process that lasted several years and had some of the same techniques as, say, The Spanish Inquisition---however! it seems as though I triumphed because Mister Cupcake is just about the most fearless, easy going, assuring person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and usually he is the guy who talks The Cupcake out of her tree should she shimmy up it for fear of this or that or you or him or them or those. Or sometimes he reminds The Cupcake that life is not meant to be lived in the bathtub which is sage, crucial advice at times.

Above, you will see a photo of me when I am interacting with a person who, although I would not marry (probably), I do feel incredibly safe with---EVEN THOUGH SHE IS A TOTAL STRANGER AND I HAVE NOT HAD SEVERAL YEARS TO PUT HER THROUGH MY RIGOROUS SCREENING PROCESS. There is no need to screen her or interview her. One look at her uniform and you know: PARK RANGER. And when you're talkin' Park Ranger, you're talkin' CARING, KNOWLEDGEABLE, LOVER OF NATURE, OPEN TO ANY AND ALL QUESTIONS, PATIENT, KIND AND OVERALL A LOVELY INDIVIDUAL.

Today I am sending out SlobberLove and appreciation to all those Park Rangers who make the world a better place and who, in ALL of my interactions with, have made this Cupcake feel a little more at ease.

As you were,
General of Hope

Friday Conclusion

I have journeyed through the Nazi-sponsored land of Krups, traversed the highbrow hills of Cuisinart, suffered through a dank and industrial Black and Decker summer, entertained---for one brief second---utilizing a cartoonish Bunn but decided against it and am now standing before you to tell you that I may not know what the hell they're talking about when they ask INTERNAL-REVENUE-SERVICE-SERIOUSLY whether or not you have CONE or FLAT but I do know one thing and that one thing is that:

ALL ROADS LEAD BACK TO MR. COFFEE

Yours in proper measurement,
Rich and Bold,
(the unusually muscular Coffee twins)

Things I Don't Understand, Items 94 thru 96

94. Hugh Hefner
95. When people say "If you will" or "What have you" after every sentence
96. Why someone hasn't given Glenn Beck a cement enema yet

Cooper Being Pamela Anderson on Baywatch

Although beach season has ended, this dedicated lifeguard still has tasks to tend to and lives to save.

"The other day I used my enormous bouncing mammaries to break up a small riot that broke out in front of the Ugly BeachTowel Boutique" he says with great pride.

Then he buries his snout in the sand in an attempt to root out a month old piece of hot dog that a toddler must have dropped.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

There are times when my husband and I listen to our iPod shuffle and it is perfectly clear who contributed which song. Like, if Holiday In Cambodia by Dead Kennedys comes on we know for certain that my husband is responsible for the joy this song brings into our lives. Or if Tupelo Honey by Van Morrison is playing one could say without hesitation that I brought this tune to the table and we rejoice in our collaborative genius until such time as that celebration comes to a screeching halt because S'Wonderful by George Gershwin comes on and then a pall falls over the household because there is only one of us who thinks this song is ESSENTIAL TO A FULL LIFE. Do you think there is a way for one of us to claim the Mayor of Tunes title or should we just continue to poo poo the other for their pathetic attachment to Kate Bush?
---Up To Our Asses In Opinions In Orlando

Dear Opinions,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Just so you know, the following may occur if you take the latest whatchamathingy pill that is supposed to make you feel better than crapped out shitness. I think it's called Sanscrapilex:

1. Your head may rotate 360 degrees when you use the words "casserole", "no" or "low-foam latte"
2. You might have severe bloating, nausea and vertigo that last well into next Spring
3. Thoughts of suicide, homicide, patricide, mothicide, Victoria Beckhamicide could persist for days on end with no let up
4. In the morning, it is possible that your knees won't work
5. When stopped at any traffic signal there is a remote chance that your butt will pop off and you'll be unable to ask anyone for help because you might lose the ability to speak periodically
6. Maybe you'll be filled with self-loathing so severe that you will attempt to run yourself over with your own car
7. You might experience occasional spontaneous exploding acne
8. When you see the colors taupe, yellow or burnt sienna, it is kind of likely that your abdomen will burst
9. Every so often a colony of bees will build a hive in your nose
10.Your dexterity will be for the most part similar to a paralyzed goldfish

Other than that, you're gonna feel GREAT.

Sincerely,
Dr. G. Biloba

Cooper's Expression After I Told Him I Needed To Make Another Trip To Cost Plus World Market To Look For a Nice Wicker Basket

"At this point I just don't know what to say," he says, with a stricken look on his face, "I mean, I think it's pretty obvious you have a problem."

When I explain to him that the wicker basket or possibly basketS will be used to hold the blankets that he often spends entire evenings snoozing under he continues to stare at me, as if I just informed him that I am a Birther.

"Um, have you ever thought of checking your current Wicker Basket Collection before you purchase yet another home furnishing accessory? They have meetings for people like you, you know."

Saturday SlobberLove

Five Things That Make Me So Happy I Could Plotz:

1. Great natural light in a house
2. Ice Cream Drumsticks
3. The Automobile Club
4. Index Cards
5. Using all 7 letters in one Scrabble turn

Things I Don't Understand, Items 91 thru 93

91. When someone eats soup or oatmeal with a teaspoon
92. The Baby Whisperer
93. Boyfriend jeans

Cooper Being Diane Keaton in Looking For Mr. Goodbar

"Two things I DO NOT miss about filming that movie," he says, sounding bitter, "The middle part in my hair and the numb shins I'd get from sitting on a bar stool for 9 hours with nowhere to rest my feet."

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Did I have or am I currently having an affair with David Letterman and, if so, is there someone I should be suing?
---Crossing My Fingers and Toes in El Paso

Dear Toes,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Mister Cupcake, Cooper and I moved this weekend and at one point I was carrying a lamp in my right hand, clinging to some Christmas wrapping paper with my left armpit, balancing two baseball caps and a cowboy hat on my head as well as lugging a 600 pound backpack filled with hooks and frames and candles and maybe a hammer or two and I realized that moving is exactly like cooking Thanksgiving dinner. You plan and you list and you strategize and you decide what pot the peas will go in and which ladle will go with the gravy way in advance and you plot every move as if you were overtaking a small country and then in the last twenty minutes ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE and you scratch and claw and fight just to stay alive.

And this is all BEFORE you're forced to deal with unending hideous realities such as how you've accumulated so many extension cords and whether or not to drag your ass to Target to get another roll of contact paper.

Over and out,
Inventor of the question, "Where did you put the tape?"

Friday Confession

Sometimes, when I'm having a bad day, it helps if I think of the people who work at Hot Dog On a Stick and the uniforms they have to wear and before I know it I buck up and realize how good I have it.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 88 thru 90

88. Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio's performance in A Perfect Storm
89. Amish-style facial hair
90. Sawdust on restaurant floors