The Cupcake Resolutions

I'm serious this time. As Marjoe is my witness, I vow to be, do, change, stop, cease, start, overhaul, think, marinate, embroider, stop lying about the following in 2010:

1. When I recklessly cut someone off in traffic while I'm talking to my sister on my cell phone about Tiger Woods and the driver I cut off gets all furious at me because I almost caused a five car collision and I CANNOT BELIEVE how tense that driver is and then four blocks later some ASSHOLE swerves in front of me so I almost rear end them and I'm sure I see them TEXTING and think Where Is a SWAT Team Member When You Need One?and I do a Joe Pesci death sneer to that careless driver with the hope that they spontaneously combust because of their selfish STUPIDNESS---It is this hypocritical vortex I hope to put an end to in 2010

2. More Cauliflower, less Chunky Monkey

3. Forget about trying to figure out Alec Baldwin's hair

4. Accept that I do not look good in hats

5. Say I AM SPARTACUS more

Yours in overflowing hope for nicey nice,
Gerard from the Graveyard Shift

Cooper Being Julie Christie In Doctor Zhivago

"Here I am in the snow wearing my mink stole made of snow waiting for Yuri who I fear may have died in a snowstorm," he says, remembering the harsh conditions during filming.

Things Of Which I Am 100% Certain

1. Santa Claus lives at the North Pole
2. Camilla Parker Bowles needs to use more conditioner
3. It takes exactly 2.5 hours for someone to scratch out the eyes of or draw devil horns on the head of any real estate agent that advertises on a bus stop

Saturday SlobberLove

Mister Cupcake and I played a practical joke on Cooper and told him that, next Christmas, we were going to have to get through the holiday season WITHOUT zip lock bags, creamed horseradish and the Charlie Brown Christmas music.

"But I don't understand---aren't those the Three Wise Men?" he said, tilting his head to the ALARMINGLY PERPLEXED AND SLIGHTLY PANICKED position.

Cooper Being a Moray Eel in The Deep

"To get in touch with the ferocious killer in me I simply thought about squirrels, the mail man and what it feels like to pursue what appears to be discarded treasure under the couch only to discover that it is a two week old piece of lettuce," he says, explaining his creative process.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Sometimes I think I should lead Positive Action Plan Workshops or something.

For example, the other day when I was having a particularly stressful day and my head was swimming in unrealistic thoughts like I Wish I Lived On a Farm In Big Sky Country and I Owned a Charming Diner I turned myself around and pulled my rancid thoughts out of the gutter and I thought AT LEAST I'M NOT AT A BOBBY MCFERRIN CONCERT

And that was the ticket out of Awfulville right there.

Swear to Bea Arthur,
Deputy of Mirth (ish)

Sunday Lecture

If you think you are an adult and you can't be bothered with magic and all that horseshit about Santa Claus then RIGHT NOW I want you to put on your happy shoes, sprint to your automobile, drive to the closest market, pick up a quart of Haagen Dazs Dulce De Leche and eat a good portion of it while you watch something intriguing on television---perhaps a documentary or a segment of 60 Minutes or an old musical---and then tell me you do not know what PEACE ON EARTH is.

Keep Your Eyes On The Prize,
Dean of Unsettled Joy

Things I Don't Understand, Items 115 thru 117

115. Grecian style pants with knee length crotches
116. How that movie Regarding Henry with Harrison Ford and Annette Bening makes it seem like its totally great to get shot in the head
117. Yellow shoes

Cooper Being Beyonce

This photo, taken on the set of his latest Lifetime biopic,
"I Told Jay-Z He Looked Like Scooby-Doo," he reminisces about life before everything went straight down the toilet.

"You can take away the sequins and the yachts and the private jets and the gigantic birthday cakes," he says, "But you can't take away my great gams."

The Cupcake Lessons

After years of unrelenting research I have come to accept that we may never know the answers to the following questions:

1. Are the other pyramids jealous of the Great Pyramid and do they talk behind its back?
2. Were Aunt Bea and Gomer engaged in a passionate May-December love affair that involved spatulas in secret places?
3. How can one comfortably work the word "bejeweled" into daily conversation and still remain unflustered?

To Not Know Is To Know---Or Something,
Head Researcher
Committee To Understand Kid Rock's Hairdo

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I'm not sure who is in charge of the terrorist warning level but whoever that person is they need to make sure EVERYONE ON EARTH has a huge CAUTION! sign on their television because right now there is a chance that you will be the unfortunate soul to see the freakish Is This a Saturday Night Live Skit? commercial for Neil Diamond's new album called:

HAVE A VERY MERRY CHERRY CHERRY CHRISTMAS

Which leaves you wondering several things like WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT ABOUT? or WHY TWO CHERRIES---IS ONE NOT ENOUGH? or I NEED BAIL MONEY and if I'm not mistaken that is totally lacking in cozy manger feel, reeeeeeally unfestive and barfy nonwondrous.

Saturday SlobberLove

DO NOT TELL ANYONE THIS but sometimes when I walk down the street I pretend like I'm Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady.

It's true.

Ever since I saw him sing "I've Grown Accustomed To Her Face" when I was five it has stuck with me like how the "What A Feeling" dance from Fame makes an imprint on your brain forever but in a good way.

For over 40 years, almost every time I find myself on a tree lined street I picture Rex Harrison and I picture his TALLNESS and his tweedishness and his classy hat and his elegant gait and I recreate that NUMBER in my head and if I'm feeling particularly showy and I happen to have an umbrella in my hand I wave it around a bit even if people are looking.

And this makes me really happy because when I'm a really old lady I'll remember that I always did this and I'll think Well At Least I Don't Have THAT Regret.

Friday Conclusion

When we lived in Venice, there was a neighborhood guy who had two dogs that riled Cooper to the point of mind boggling hysteria. These were the only dogs Cooper acted like this with and Mister Cupcake and I would bow our heads in shame as we BEGGED Cooper to get a hold of himself and stop making fools of all of us.

The irony is that this man acted as a kind of mentor when we first got Cooper. Before Cooper started expressing himself the way dogs do. He'd glide by our house and ask how Cooper The Pup was doing and often give us advice about crating and feeding and walking and pooping and peeing. Like the Dog Whisperer except with a very thick industry vibe. And all the while, Cooper was not tall enough to see over the ledge on the porch, in order to catch a glimpse of the two dogs this man owns who look like miniature versions of Jabba the Hut. So when Cooper grew taller and was able to look these little fat men in the eyes the first thing he shrieked was WHO ARE THOSE BULBOUS CREATURES WHO HAVE FACES LIKE PETER LORRE?! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE THEM GO AWAY!

Which put the whole group of them off---this man and his dogs.

It got to the point where everywhere we went we'd end up running into them and the man would look at us with that look that people give parents who have children that are melting down and sometimes he'd even yell at Cooper like he was The Elephant Man. We'd see him coming for MILES away. Here they come, we'd say, Quick let's duck into this shoe repair shop.

So, when we moved to Santa Monica one of the things we missed least (aside from the crack dealers and the occasional vomiting pedestrian) was The Taunting Industry Guy and His Two Thug Dogs that turned Cooper into a nut job. At last we were free. Until we met The Unassuming Nice Neighbor Guy and His Two Boxers that drive Cooper completely MAD. He sees these two boxers that look like they might be part giraffe and he turns into Christian Bale. Just very unbecoming. The boxers are coming, we say, Hurry! Cross the street!

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE

Things I Don't Understand, Items 112 thru 114

112. When people eat dinner food at breakfast
113. Why snapping green beans seems to be the primary activity of all actors everywhere who are in plays that involve porches and aprons
114. Miracle Whip

Cooper Being a Reindeer Elf

Here he is seen in a rare photo taken inside Santa's Workshop just prior to the season's First Drop where his famous blue nose is used for night vision.

"I am in Second Position, next to Blixen---a REAL jackass, by the way---and just behind Rudolph who has become unbearably gassy since he stopped his gluten-free diet," he says, seconds before he collapses under the weight of several thousand American Girl dolls that are loaded onto his tiny elf spine.

The Cupcake Lessons

I have been tirelessly working in the laboratory using my Bunsen burner and have proven the following in my controversial Sodium-Free Soup Experiments of 2009.

Current findings:

Things you can eat/slurp that are more delicious than Sodium-Free Soup:
1. Gutter runoff with twigs, sticks and corroded matchsticks
2. Lukewarm evaporated milk with old socks (aka Old Socks Broth)
3. Leftover bathwater

Things you can do rather than eat/slurp Sodium-Free Soup:
1. Go into your bathroom, stand in front of the mirror and say to yourself I WILL NEVER KNOW TRUE HAPPINESS
2. Start watching Wheel Of Fortune in your spare time and then bring it up in conversation at EVERY opportunity but make sure you refer to it as, simply, "Wheel"
3. Wear only beige

Be well, cast your spell,
Inspector Trudy T. Taste

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I'm not telling you how to live your life or anything but if you're gonna hang Christmas lights and you're gonna do it right, at some point during the actual hanging extravaganza, you should have a moment of worry when you think: I WONDER IF WE'RE VIOLATING SOME ZONING PERMIT HERE WITH THIS 67TH STRAND and then quickly follow this thought up with the following question to your spouse: DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN TWO OF THE SPARKLING CRYSTAL SNOWFLAKES BECAUSE THERE'S A SPOT OF NOTHINGNESS ABOVE THE BEDROOM WINDOW AND I'M NOT CERTAIN I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.

Stop calling me a Ho,
Dancer

Saturday Announcement

Sometimes, when you think that those guys on ESPN that sit at that table that appears to be hanging in midair in front of all those screaming lunatics, when you think that maybe they're gonna finally run out of stuff to talk about and shut the hell up for one bazillionth of a millisecond. They don't.

I'm very concerned that these pants make my butt look big,
Rudy "The Ru" Rubin
Reluctant 4th Generation Referee

Friday Conclusion

Many moons ago I went prospecting at Ross and was lucky enough to make a major score in under an hour without losing my mind. It was like I had the Crap Sifter Fairy on my shoulder and I found these amazingly soft and comfortable Juicy Couture velvety sweatpants in an unhideous color that fit great. At first I thought Does This Mean That I Am J-Lo? and then I thought THESE ARE SO COMFY! And even though the Ross price of these Magic Comfy Pants bordered on hateful pricing I swooped them up into my arms, ran past the aromatherapy underwear and Dustbuster key chains at checkout and bought them.

They are now and have been THE FOUNDATION of my weekend wardrobe. My Relaxation Uniform staple. I would wear them to church if I could. If I went to church.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

IF JETHRO TULL EVER DECIDES TO MAKE A COMEBACK I COULD TOTALLY BE THE UNDERSTUDY FOR IAN ANDERSEN ON THE NIGHTS WHEN HE GETS TIRED BECAUSE WHEN I STUFF MY COMFY J-LO SWEATPANTS FROM ROSS INTO MY UGG BOOTS I AM HIS EXACT TWIN. EXCEPT WITHOUT THE FLUTE.

Cooper Being Jeanne Tripplehorn in Waterworld

"Critics panned Kevin Costner and I for having the chemistry of a pair of shoehorns and I can't say I blame them," he says, wincing.

"In the end I just couldn't get past the stringy, bi-level, ponytail Kevin insisted on wearing and it didn't help that, in between takes, he'd pull me aside and nonchalantly ask me if he could borrow about seven million dollars or so."