Cooper Being Katherine Heigl

Sometimes we have to call a locksmith in order to open the bathroom door because he spends hours staring at himself in the mirror gazing into his own eyes and commenting on his timeless beauty.

"Oh go screw yourselves!" he barks, when we beg him to spend two minutes talking about anything other than his 7 For All Mankind jean collection. "If you were this fresh faced and gorgeous you'd do the same thing."

Then he orders us to go get him another pack of American Spirits.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I'm confused that Sarah Palin's new book is called Going Rogue instead of:

Thinking With My Ass and Talking Out My Butt
or
My Hair Is Never Not Like This

Do you think she came up with her title on her own without running it by her pals at the consignment shop and, if so, do you think I could help by contacting her editor with my suggestions?
---Dry Heaving In Downey

Dear Heaving,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

How to be more pioneer-like than cosmopolitan:

1. Go to Bed, Bath and Beyond
2. As you roam the gargantuan Canyonlands National Park aisles think to yourself: Bed, Bath and Beyond the Planet of the Apes is more like it and then giggle to yourself as you stand amongst so many shoe trees, crock pots and upsetting pieces of art
3. Pack nourishment and journey your way back to the check out line, grasping your only purchase: a toilet brush

After You,
Nanette the Erstwhile Browser

Friday Conclusion

Just because my hiking shoes are called North Face Hedgehogs doesn't mean I have to take it personally.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 88 thru 90

88. When people say an infant is flirting
89. the Potent Potables category in Jeopardy
90. Helena Bonham Carter's wardrobe

Cooper Being Fearful Of Tom DeLay On Dancing with the Stars

We made the mistake of NOT turning the channel when Rachel Madow showed the footage of Tom Delay on Dancing with the Stars and this had a profoundly negative impact on Cooper.

"Is it because I constantly hound you to throw my toys? Is that why you made me watch that awful dancing congressman?" he asks, "Is it because you hate me?"

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Is there anything more crunchalicious than a gherkin?
---Crippled With Curiosity in Concord

Dear Crippled,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Recipe

Depresso Zombie Day Ingredients:

11 boxes Kleenex
56 cups, ghostly "where's the outside world?" thoughts
9 tons Food Network Channel
2 boxes Tylenol Cold
890 glasses of water

Some days just go straight into the crapper.

Sincerely,
Professor Clog

Saturday Announcement (PLEASE READ)

I apologize in advance for those of you who will get upset after reading this post as I have not been able to find the right words to make this announcement. Even two days after I was first made aware of what I am about to tell you I am still reeling from concern.

On Thursday September 17, 2009 I had a sinking feeling in my chest for most of the morning, afternoon and evening. When I sat down at my computer that night I read the following headline on MSN.com (Warning: the following sentence has graphic language) ---

BEYONCE CONCERT UPSETS SURI

I did not know what to do when I read this. I awoke the next morning, not remembering what had happened after I read this news because apparently I passed out. I am hoping Suri has recovered although I am not certain. I cannot bring myself to read the newspaper for fear of discovering more awfulness.

Peace be with you,
Kurt the Flatulent Tabby

Friday Conclusion

On our evening walk yesterday, Cooper, Mister Cupcake and I passed several young women sitting on the front stoop of a house and one of the girls had a pair of low cut skin tight jeans on that had the attractive sausage look that is all the rage these days and her butt was kind of poofing out the back like two marshmallows squishing out a tube of toothpaste.

"I wonder what you call it when a woman has plumber's butt---maid's butt?" Mister Cupcake asked, astutely.

"No. Plumbers aren't really the equivalent of maids." I said, intrigued.

We both agreed that we had never heard the term Plumber's Butt applied to a woman but if there were such a term it would frequently come in handy.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

MISTER CUPCAKE AND I ARE BECOMING LINGUISTS.

Au Revoir,
Bobo the Mule

Things I Don't Understand, Items 85 thru 87

85. The expression "My bad"
86. Sanka
87. Unruly cleavage in the workplace

Cooper Being Kathy Bates in Misery

"GET YOUR ASSES BACK HERE AND FINISH CHAPTER 9 THOUSAND!" he screams, wielding a mallet.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Sometimes when I am driving to work I listen to a particularly rousing or hopeful or beautiful or melodious piece of music that kind of matches the morning sky and when I happen upon this musical stew I BLAST this music so loud I'm certain my dead, deaf father will hear it and as I drive into the parking garage I quickly turn all the lovely shenanigans waaaaay down for fear that everyone will know how much fun I'm actually having. Does this mean I am mentally ill or am I just a big goober?
---Frail From Fret in Flagstaff

Dear Frail,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If you're trying to avoid sugar you need to follow this fool proof plan. It is a very difficult plan that requires so much wherewithal even the Von Trapp family said it was fucking impossible. Regardless, here are the steps you need to follow if you want to wrangle your sugar tooth to the ground once and for all:

Step Number One:
Wake up in the morning, EVERY MORNING and say to yourself TODAY I AM NOT GOING TO EAT SUGARY SWEETS AS I AM WONT TO DO.

Step Number Two:
Go to work and have your yummy Lemon Luna Bar for breakfast being mindful of the proverb in the bible about eating little meals every 4 seconds or so.

Step Number Three:
Have a healthy lunch and return to your office feeling sated yet slightly mournful until one of your co-workers appears in your doorway like a vision asking you if you would prefer cherry pie or lemon meringue pie should he run across the street to Marie Callender's.

Step Number Four:
Yell "I'D HAVE LEMON MERINGUE IF YOU GOT PIE!" at the top of your lungs and toss a couple dollar bills toward the Magical Errand Pie Person.

Step Number Five:
Run to make yourself a cup of Earl Grey to accompany your pie and Start over with Step Number One tomorrow morning.

Godspeed,
Professor Ponch

Things That Frighten Me More Than Bears, Item Numero Uno

Serena Williams when she gets all James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano furious bully MAD.

She scary.

Friday Conclusion

When two or more people are gathered, there will be failed consensus when the following query is uttered:

HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE AYN RAND'S NAME?

Yours In Futile Debate,
Lieutenant Sass

Cooper Being Scott Hamilton

This photo, taken moments before he hit the ice to perform his zany hobo/clown/Jerry Lewis/psychotic carnival guy routine, captured the rarely seen seriousness that made Scott the champion he was.

"I loved that little green warm up jacket," he says, remembering how chilly he used to get in the ice rink.

"Not many people realize this but when you have short legs and you're that close to the ice it isn't uncommon for your entire tummy to go numb. You try doing a Triple Sow-Cow in those conditions."

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

My husband and I are very concerned about President Obama's upcoming education speech. Even though we don't have children, will we still be forced to become communists and wear ill-fitting drab clothing or will we just need to wear our hair in bowl cut style?
---Cross-Eyed With Concern In Kickapoo

Dear Cross-Eyed,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

When you're walking down Main Street and you see a really drunk guy with one leg of his soiled-ish Levi's rolled up and he is talking to himself and laughing HIS ASS OFF one moment and then arguing with himself in the window of the Oliver Peoples eye wear place the next and as you walk by he gets semi-belligerent and over friendly in that way that telegraphs: CHANCE OF VOMIT and then he says really loudly "YOUR DOG IS GAY" and you keep on uh-scurrying and he retorts "I'M NOT GAY BUT YOUR DOG IS" and he kind of stands there like a piece of wheat blowing in the wind all swervy and bendy....when this happens with this guy...it is wise to not make eye contact and not sniff IN as you pass him.

Keep up the good work,
Sergeant Snark

Cooper Being a Yoga Instructor

Here he is seen demonstrating his world famous (patent-pending) Sleepy Pony Pose which, when translated from Sanskrit, roughly means On Labor Day Weekend We Are Giving Thanks To Saul Alinsky and We Are Doing Much Dozing.

"If you are not drooling, you are not holding the pose properly," he advises.

.

Friday Conclusion

Two scallions are better than one.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 82 thru 84

82. What makes someone want to do the shot put
83. Pastel eye shadow
84. Sammy Hagar (obviously)

Cooper Being Rachel Ray's Taste Tester

"E.V.O.O. whatever," he says, retching.

"I've tasted carpet that had better flavor than this."

The Cupcake Lessons

Today was chock full of learning. For instance:

This evening, Mister Cupcake and I were tooling about our lovely cottage near the beach (that sits on a noisy alley but I digress) and it just so happened that we ended up tuning into a movie called The Last of the Dog Men starring a brooding, poofy haired Tom Berenger and an alarmingly stick legged, big hat wearing Barbara Hershey.

After having this movie on for about a half hour or so and admiring the vast beauty of the sweeping landscape Mister Cupcake asked, "I wonder why there are no mountain men anymore."

"I'm a mountain man," I said.

"And I'm a mountain man too," added Cooper.

Then the two of us built a fire in the living room and roasted the small carcass of a squirel Cooper had been hunting for the better part of his canine life.

I guess you never really know the ones you love, even if you spend all your live long days with them.