Monday Judgements and Warnings

Hi. I'm Tofu and here is my To-Do List:

1. Wake up and ooze goo, wonder why I don't have legs
2. Confirm job interview at Thai restaurant
3. Work on idea for Self-Help book, Capitalizing On Unpredictability For Idiots: How To Be Delicious One Day and Revolting the Next
4. Book tickets for the What Does Cheese Have That We Don't? Seminar in Humboldt
5. Purchase helmet in preparation for upcoming meal with unruly 5 year-old

Sunday Encouragement

I had this idea for a blog last night when I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror in HARSH F-ED UP LIGHTING. It would be a kind of Human Portal for all of Humankind, this blog I thought of while gazing into my Grand Canyon sized pores in Satan's Lighting.

What happened was I was getting ready to take a bath and as I waited for the water to become perfect I decided to brush my teeth with my Jetsons Brush, The Sonicare and I stood in front of the mirror in interrogation lighting and I realized that as one mossies forward in years one's skin isn't as gleamy as one is used to and I felt a little blue and I thought I Wonder How Many Other People Have Looked At Their Skin In Crack Addict Lighting and Felt a Little Blue?

Because I was in the nude in my bathroom reeling from the sight of my blotchy self I knew I could not go anywhere for comfort so I just thought of how happy I am, basically, in a through-and-through way and I remembered the look on Mister Cupcake's face when I shared a particularly hilarious and insightful anecdote from my day and to top it all off I thought of the way my niece looks at me when I tell her childhood stories about her mother and me.

And I realized that there should be a blog or Web Library called The Encouragement Blog where people can go and put in their current Sad Thing or Worry Subject or Awful Situation and in return they get little helpful hints from other humans to make them feel less alone.

For example, you could search "Still Hate My Mother After Two Decades Of Therapy" or "Early Onset Crow's Feet" or simply "Constant Slothy Feeling" and VOILA! your search would return a landslide of real encouragement and uplifting ideas to ladle you out of your Depression Crock-Pot and on your merry way. AND while you are toiling about in your day you could be thinking of little scenarios to share, like "Just went on walk with dog and dog wanted to say hi to other dog but couple with other dog was unusually unfriendly and said their dog had not had vaccinations so my dog should stay away and this made me feel full of hatred and like an outcast" THIS IS JUST AN EXAMPLE! but then you just thought Oh Well I Guess They're On a First Date Or Something, She Did Seem Freakishly Intense and this lifted your spirits! VOILA! The Recipe For Happy. You would go share this on the Everyone/Everything Encouragement Blog and make someone else happy.

For my part, every Sunday, I will present a Beleaguered Scenario and then offer some easy suggestions designed to lessen the Beleaguered feeling and in that way add to the Solution instead of the Problem. Excuse me but what we have here is a Win-Win situation all around.

So I got that goin' for me.

Later,
Fritz of the Forlorn

Saturday SlobberLove

I don't want to be so over-the-top in my expression of love and devotion for Green Beans that I lose all credibility but believe me when I tell you that I am just one MILLION percent smitten with those Lanky Ladies.

"Hey! When you get a chance, go ahead and pass the Lanky Ladies down toward this end of the table!" I shriek at Thanksgiving dinner, in a tone filled with equal parts delight, anticipation and fear.

I hope they don't hog them all, I think.

I know I'm blinded by amour but this Thanksgiving when I saw a casserole dish of them with festive ribbons of crunchy stuff appearing to pop out of their yummy heads I swear to god they looked just like Cher in one of her fabulous 70s Bob Mackie outfits and in the moment that I saw them I thought It Doesn't Get Much Better Than This.

Yours in gravy,
Uncle Oven Mitts

Cooper Being a Hopeful Pilgrim

"I hope there are more Once-In-A-Lifetime-Sale-Priced Pottery Barn rugs to destroy in The New World---that would make me EVER SO HAPPY!" he exclaims, licking his chops.

The Cupcake Lessons

Current scientific findings/notes on Lactose Intolerance:

1. Only bad if you like to eat
2. Completely normal to wake up out of a sound sleep, startled by the sonic boom of your own flatulence
3. In order to survive you must now look upon cottage cheese as a Weapon of Mass Destruction
4. Tragically, the popular Dairy-Free label is often code for "tastes like bark"

Boo Hi,
Madame Curie

Things I Find To Be More Relaxing and Peaceful Than the Sound of Really Loud Harley Davidsons

1. Mosh pits
2. 5 AM showers that go ice cold without warning
3. The movie Cujo
4. Adam Lambert's eye liner
5. The sound of shrieking bats clawing at my window

Friday Conclusion

This evening there was a Ground Ginger Debacle in the Cupcake Household which resulted in a sudden and unwanted mad dash to Albertsons by yours truly and on the way home I was fortunate enough to catch Garrison Keillor's, The Writer's Almanac and JUST as he began to read something magnificent by Nadine Gortimer I thought It Is Because Of Moments Like This That I Do Not Feel So Very Alone and he proceeded to read the incredibly perfect way Nadine Gortimer described the worthiness of being a person who tirelessly observes and tries to understand and it was as if he surveyed all the world only to find that one person who could describe my feeling in that moment and as I sat in my car on the dark street outside my house, he went on to read a poem by Christopher Wiseman and it was as if the poet had written it out loud with Garrison listening---he read it so perfectly. With that voice of his. And his perfect cadence. And his occasional profound and poignant sniff.

And I sat there in my car missing everyone I love who I wished could hear what I was hearing and I realized there is just no way to gather it all up and have us all hear what I would like us to hear and so I just have to always continue to LET GO, especially when it feels most impossible. Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF LAST MINUTE PAIN IN THE ASS FRIDAY NIGHT EMERGENCY ROOM-OUTFIT-WEARING ERRANDS TO THE GROCERY STORE

Things I Don't Understand, Items 109 thru 111

109. The extent of the abject horror caused by trying to butter dry, cold toast in a restaurant with pats of butter that are frozen solid
110. Steven Segal's grease quotient
111. When women have small murals painted on their fingernails

Cooper Being People's Sexiest Man Alive

"Come live with me and be my love," he whispers to no one in particular, while lounging on the porch nibbling on what once were his man parts.

Then he orders us to retrieve his "ascot" which is the only way he will now refer to his leash.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

There are some things that are just NOT MEANT to be uttered under the roof of any Whole Foods. Or, just say they ARE uttered, and it was YOU who uttered them because you lost your fool mind for a moment and decided to telegraph to the world: I AM A DWEEB, well then go right on ahead and help yourself to the following phrases:

While standing at that little Sushi Shop: ARE THERE ANY MORE CALIFORNIA ROLLS?

Within earshot of the people standing at the fancy cheese counter: DO YOU CARRY WINDEX?

And the worst one, which I now know carries a $100,000 fine: WHERE'S THE DIET COKE?

Consider yourself warned,
Bernie in Produce

Sunday Share

As the day started to wind down today and I began to experience a mildly incapacitating case of the Sunday Weirds I quickly rummaged around in the Cupcake Pharmacy and was able to prescribe some emergency medication that consisted of a very large sweatshirt, my favorite 90 yr old JCrew sweatpants, a walk with Mister Cupcake and Cooper---followed by a sit session on the porch reading the obituaries, the Travel section and the latest issue of O with Ellen DeGeneres on the cover.

Focusing on how much cosmetic surgery someone else has had is always an effective cure for the Sunday Weirds, however, one must have the appropriate soundtrack if one is to achieve a full and total detour from the God-Help-Me-What-Will-The-Week-Bring anxiety thought spiral.

Sometimes Louis Armstrong is good but there other times when he can be more All Ken Burns Jazz Documentary All The Time and that can conjure images of bar brawls, prostitution and cruelty to mules thus creating upset in Fragile Sunday Time.

Or, sometimes early Van Morrison can act as a balm but then Van starts saying the same phrase over and over 900 million times and you start to wonder why they didn't cast Van Morrison as Sybil instead of Sally Field and this is no good for Fragile Sunday Time.

But if you are lucky enough to listen to your inner fairy and you make the choice of the Dave Brubeck Quartet, with the soothing randomness of the piano and overall jazz-syrup warmth this music exudes, then you can settle in and know, as you read about how to handle being very long waisted, that all will be well and everyone is OK and there is not too much to worry about.

Until about 3:25 in the afternoon next Sunday when the air starts to feel different and the light begins to shift and you realize the weekend has gotten away from you yet again and you ask yourself I Wonder What I Did With That Photo Of Me and Robert, I Must Find It, I Always Meant To Frame It...

Yours In Reluctant Perseverance,
Gordon the Skittish Bull Moose

Friday Conclusion

If I were forced to become a bigamist and marry a condiment I would wed kosher salt on a crisp afternoon in late September, gazing toward Half Dome from Glacier Point, wearing a garland of peonies whilst strumming a ukulele.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 106 thru 108

106. Gigantic white Cadillac Escalades with gold piping
107. Petting Zoos
108. Reba McEntire's psychotically unrelenting spunk

Cooper Being Willem Dafoe in Platoon

"One time. On the set. I punched an innocent key grip in the face for calling me 'William'," he says reminiscing about how he clarified things for "that fool ass face" who mispronounced his name.

"I said 'MY NAME IS WILLEM, ASSHOLE. THAT'S DUTCH, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW AND I STUDIED DRAMA AT THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN-MILWAUKEE SO GO SCREW YOURSELF!' Then I kind of looked at him like he was a piece of poo face lint. I mean, if THAT'S not bravery I don't know what is."

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Today, I read the following heart wrenching headline on Yahoo and I have not been able to stop sobbing since because it is SO SAD. Here. I've cut and pasted the headline so you can read it but first I'll wait for you to go get several decorative boxes of Kleenex...OK. I feel that you are ready. Here goes. Make sure you are sitting down and prepare yourself. Read it and weep:

Vick Not Happy As An Eagles Player

Isn't that the SADDEST thing you've ever read? That poor guy is not happy as an Eagle. I can't say it without tearing up. Well, seeing as I am a TAKE ACTION kind of person I've thought of several things Michael Vick might do to find more fulfillment:

Choice #1: HUMAN SUPPOSITORY FOR RUSH LIMBAUGH'S BUTT

Choice #2: THE PERSON IN CHARGE OF FEEDING DAVID HASSELHOFF HAMBURGERS WHEN HE GOES ON A BENDER

Choice #3: GREAT WHITE SHARK MASSEUSE

Choice #4: JAMIE LEE CURTIS'S PERSONAL TOILET PLUNGER

Yours in hopeful prayer,
Kirk the Continually Perplexed Bloodhound

Saturday SlobberLove

Saturday mornings are filled with joy and happiness in The Cupcake Household and not just because we can linger with our coffee and not worry about whether or not we will have a peaceful, private doodie BEFORE we go to work.

There are also things like Saturday morning walks down to the water and oatmeal and various dreams of organization but the thing we love most about Saturday morning is listening to Ira Glass weave more amazing stories together on This American Life.

"AGAIN! AGAIN! LET'S HEAR IT AGAIN!" yells Cooper, warning me not to breathe one word about those hideous claustrophobic podcasts.

"Oh, don't you worry my little hound. The rebroadcast will be on tomorrow," I reply.

Friday Conclusion

Matthew McConaughey, The Celebrity Who Appears To Be Most Unlike Me, occasionally takes breaks from playing bongos in the nude to walk out to his mailbox in his bathrobe, never forgetting the Number One Rule Of jk livin: HEY PRETTY LADY.

Well, that may not be a rule but jk livin and Matthew are not about rules, man.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 103 thru 105

103. When you hear someone say their own name and it seems like they're pronouncing it wrong
104. Cinnamon bun or strawberry cheesecake scented candles
105. Farfegnugen

Cooper Being a Hand Model

"The hardest part is staying completely still when I have the urge to drag my butt across the rug like I do at home when no one is looking," he says, describing his new career.

The Cupcake Lessons

As you may or may not know, I am a Nobel Prize winning Scientist(ish) and I have recently concluded several vigorous and annoying experiments in the laboratory involving Lonesome Dove, the mini series from the late 80's, and have proven the following:

1. Once the Lonesome Dove train has left the station, if you are not ON that train that has left the station, there is NO WAY to board that train further on down the line.
2. There tend to be TWO TYPES of people. Those who have a deep and abiding love for Lonesome Dove (Dove Lovers) and those who don't (Dove Haters). These two types of people tend to pair up in real life and the Dove Lover spends the rest of their otherwise peaceful union trying in vein to convert the Dove Hater.
3. Although Robert Duvall is a first rate actor, when a person watches Lonesome Dove it is obvious that he very rarely has more than two expressions: WILEY/COWBOY PRANKSTER FEISTY or "GO ON, GIT---GIT OUTTA HERE GOD DAMNIT!" FURIOUS.
4. Tommy Lee Jones is ALL torso.
5. Sometimes when you can't sleep and you think maybe you should take a Tylenol PM you might consider watching Lonesome Dove.

Class dismissed,
Professor Saloon

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Note To Self:

When you go for a run after work in fog as thick as Paula Abdul's bangs, even though you wear just a hint of mascara, you still end up looking like Robert Smith from the Cure or Bette Davis in Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?

Neither of these looks become you.

I'm just saying,
Claudia Q-tip