Things I Don't Understand, Items 261 thru 263

261. Publishers Clearing House
262. The way Julia Roberts pronounces "Portuguese" in Mystic Pizza
263. The Tea Party (obviously)

Cooper Being Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself," he says, as he darts away, wild eyed from a scary plastic bag that appears to be human.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Right, so you're all:  Love and Peace On Earth and Christmas Spirit and Baby Jesus In Bethlehem and God's Mercy and Who Cares About Getting an  iPad As Long As We Have Family? and Beef Tenderloin From Whole Foods Rocks Galaxies and Give the Gift of Caring and Joy of the Season and Give Of Oneself and God Bless Us Everyone!

And I'm all:  Uh-huh, yeah. And also: ------ RICHIE SAMBORA. 

AND THEN YOU PLOTZ.

Wake up and smell the hair gel,
Her Royal Scroogeness

Cooper Being Robert Redford in The Way We Were

"I know there is a likely chance you won't believe this but that movie was so romantic that even my gut-wrenched butterfly stomach was weak from sad sobbing, longing, lovelorn lost, Why Do You Have To Be a Socialist?, beach/boat scenes to die for, side swept blond bangs, lanky-sexy walk down the staircase, coulda-woulda-shoulda, WHY-OH-WHY-OH-WHY-NOT-WHY? dreamy all of what we wish about love" he says, making the maple leaves he sits on look devastatingly handsome.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

This morning I had the misfortune of seeing a LIFESTYLE EXPERT spout various platitudes about sponges and blouses and gift buying and belts and bangs on the Today Show and I couldn't help but notice that she was wearing a dress that one might describe as: 

GHASTLY
or
THE COLOR AND PATTERN THAT REPRESENTS ALL THAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD
or
HIDEOUS MULTIPLIED BY INFINITY
or
INTENSE NAUSEA

And I thought she should keep her trap shut when it comes to anything expert.

So you need to keep an eye out for this bag of hot air and her expert suggestions because if she is such an expert and she can swoop into your relatively peaceful and innocent existence and tell you what you need to change to be happier and better then why in the name of all that is holy is she wearing something that resembles the holocaust as a frock? 

Keep your eyes down and run fast,
Sergeant Seriousness
First in Command, Phony Patrol

Things I Don't Understand, Items 258 thru 260

258.  People who regularly refer to themselves in the third person
259.  Black plates
260.  Clamato juice

Cooper Being Crispin Glover in River's Edge

This photo was taken moments before he ate dirt and stuffed maple leaves into his ears in order to get into character.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I have been wondering how to get my husband to sob more in public like that cuddly loose nut John Boehner.  I've tried jumping out of the closet in the middle of the night screaming at the top of my lungs that chips and salsa no longer exist.  I've tried forcing him to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond with me---EVERY DAY FOR NINE DAYS STRAIGHT. I've tried tacking his eyes open and forcing him to watch twelve dozen consecutive episodes of Dr. Phil.  I've tried talking non-stop for ninety seven hours straight about which kind of moisturizer I think is the best and does not sting when I layer it over my anti-oxidant base layer.  I've given him pop quiz after pop quiz about the various nuances between US Weekly, TMZ and People.  I've demanded that he watch The View each and every morning with a full PowerPoint presentation following and I've insisted that he wear peach more but nothing has made him the fragile mush ball that is John Boehner.  My question to you is, do you think I should bring in the big guns and drag him along on my next pilgrimage to The Container Store or do you think that he just is not as sappy, maladjusted and unhinged as John Boohoo Boehner?
Ready For Warfare In Rhode Island

Dear Warfare,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Beg pardon but I am FULLY aware that the country entire is focused on debating what, exactly, the true definition of the word compromise is and which poopillionairres are going to get to save a tuppence and why our president isn't meaner or tougher or whiter but may I remind you that no one---and I mean not one person---has gathered their wits about them, taken a step back from the mayhem and taken a deep breath in order to remind everyone on earth that:

PEPPERED SALAMI IS NEVER APPROPRIATE IN CLOSE TALKING SOCIAL SITUATIONS.

I'll need to see your license and registration,
Detective Dan Dead Skunk Smell
24th Stink Squadron, Pee-You Police

Cooper Being Yves Montand in On a Clear Day You Can See Forever

Here he is seen pretending to be looking far away forward, past the ginormous hat-wrap-turban thing Barbra Streisand wore for the better part of the movie.

"It was as though she were wearing the Chrysler Building on her head," he says, disgusted.

The Cupcake Lessons

Once upon a time there was a lady who went to a movie with her lady friend.  Two lady friends going to a movie, in other words.  Simple enough, no?

What movie?  What time?  Parking spot! Good seats! This is the life.

These were two lucky lady friends INDEED.

But wait a minute.  This is the wrong movie.  What movie is this?  Where are we?  Who am I?

At this point in our fable the two lady friends, alone in a dark room full of strangers, tilt their heads together and confer.  The lady friend who recommended the movie fretfully apologizes.  Had I known...well, you know---I hope you will not hold it against me.

The innocent lady friend who tagged along simply sits and watches while the lady friend who brewed up this whole stinking idea simply shakes her head and says to herself:

If I had known that the ACTUAL title of this movie was Anne Hathaway's Boobs All the Time Constantly Without End I never would have suggested it. 

Live and learn,
Beulah of the Braless

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes, on holiday afternoons, we take turns imitating how we think the Baby Jesus looked as he lay in the manger and we imagine the poor little messiah all curled up in the mini-wheelbarrow he was in with all the opportunists crowded around him out there in the hay and the cold and we feel especially grateful for our five ton collection of fleecy throws. 

Bottoms Up!
Lesser Known Fourth Wise Man

Things I Don't Understand, Items 255 thru 257

255. Russell Brand
256. When people terrorize older drivers
257. Fringe

Cooper Being Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut

"HHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELPP MMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he shrieks, in total silence.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Sometimes I try to picture what Prince does to celebrate Thanksgiving and if he wears tight velvet bell bottoms and REALLY high heeled boots and whether or not this is alarming to his kin and such but you know, when it comes down to it, I just can't get it all together in my pea brain---Prince's Thanksgiving---however you might have better luck with this concept and although I would never banish you from trying to envision Prince asking for the cranberries down at his end of the table I would simply caution you that not all the images you conjure up will make sense or be particularly pleasant.

Long Live Hair Gel,
Wendy and Lisa

Things I Don't Understand, Items 252 thru 254

252. Overly friendly strangers
253. Exactly how bay leaves work
254. The brussels sprouts hate train

Cooper Being Princess Lea in Star Wars

"I've never told anyone this," he says in a whisper so soft only a hummingbird can hear him, "but I thought that movie was a piece of boring schmaltz."

Then he darts away quickly in case what he uttered was heard by a human.

"I'LL SEND WORD!" he shouts from the bushes.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I know there are SO MANY things to remember as Turkey Day approaches but PLEASE make sure you plan ahead and calculate into your ratios enough food for Will and Jada and Willow and Jaden Smith because you never know when the insanely talented foursome will drop by to perform a dazzling, hip, cutting edge, adorable family production of Fences in your foyer.

Yours in ultimate preparedness,
Sergeant Chicken Stock

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes, when  I get all riled up on the inside and I think I need to find a sweet woodsy Nell-type cabin to live in where no one can reach me and I can just sit on the porch and drink tea and chop wood and fix some stew and knit a new wardrobe and stroll for hours in the forest and make my own jam, I see my neighbor having a gentle little chat with her dog wherein she is advising him that although the sky looks dark and grey and cloudy that it is as fine a time as any to go on a walk and check out the day and he initially is not buying it but after some more adept cajoling he relinquishes and struts on out into the afternoon with her by his side, happy to be among the living.

Oh go on with yer bad self,
Connie Cornball

Things I Don't Understand, Items 249 thru 251

249. Tofurkey
250. Shopping cart road ragers
251. When morning show people go from a horrifying story about mass murder to a segment about how to find the right bra size using the phrase AND ON A MUCH LIGHTER NOTE.

Cooper Being Anthony Hopkins in The Remains of the Day

"There were several scenes in that movie when I was actually sound asleep and snoring," he says, remembering the long months of filming ("it was more like shuffling around") in the English countryside.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Hello. I'm the Diet of a Hormonal Woman and I've converted myself into a list for your viewing pleasure, you selfish bastard.  Oops! Sorry.  I didn't mean to insult you.  Who am I to call you selfish right off the bat?  I mean, you're just sitting there...um...sitting and I have no right to unleash my unmitigated rage on you, you ass.  Whoops!  SORRY!  You see, I'm feeling a little ornery this morning.  I had dreams about tall, angry wolverines in beige leggings from Target and let's just say that stayed with me and colored my morning.  What I'm saying is that HORROR HAS INFLUENCED MY MOOD.  But I digress AND again I am starting to speak in a tone that I can tell makes you ever so slightly terrified.  Again. I apologize.  So, let's get to it.  Here's a sampling of what I have consumed in the last 24 hours:

1. 1/2 bowl of cereal and a few little weird jelly candies (eaten standing in the kitchen at approximately 3 am after being woken up by a harpoon-like foot cramp that I am convinced threatened me in a voice that sounded like Max Von Sydow)

2. 40 quarts of water (again standing in the kitchen at roughly 4:12 am due to being nearly strangled by my nightgown that was drenched in liquid from a violent and sudden night sweat)

3. Breakfast! Granola bar and caramel rice cake (although 1/2 way through a hot flash the temperature of Pompeii erupting causes decrease in appetite as 100% of energy is then focused on TURNING THE FUCKING FAN ON)

4. What I'd like to have:  salami and swiss on rye with extra mayo, two tubs of Dijon mustard, side of slaw, Maui onion Kettle chips, bread and butter pickles and matzo ball soup but instead I opt for a nice (evil?) salad which ends up causing horrible indigestion that can only be treated with candy corn and red licorice left over from niece's Halloween bounty

5. Mid afternoon snack: handful of salt washed down with chocolate milk and a chaser of Blood Orange soda

6. Dinner: red wine and several slices of cheese while growling

7. Late night snack: chips and salsa

I enjoy being a girl,
Hatey Haterson
Hatetown, USA

Saturday SlobberLove

The Cupcake Household is very fond of those cozy weeks that come just before the holidays---when there is a lot of snuggly, grounded, calm nap-time and hearts and minds are full of anticipation and hope and the dread, bloat and intermittent rage one feels during the holidays is poised ever so slightly OFF stage just waiting with several thousand gifts and forty seven million tons of food. 

The Cupcakes love when none of the madness has happened yet and that everything very well may go swimmingly and there will be no hideousness at all.  As a matter of fact, The Cupcakes like to have long conversations about the fact that things and people seem to mellow as time marches on and this is not something that The Cupcakes would have figured to be true or that it would be something that they would love and feel large appreciation for.

But in the days that lead up to that time when all hell breaks loose and one takes stock of how the year has gone and how the new year will go there is that special sleepy nap time when it is of utmost importance to remember to cut all the other fumblers a little slack and simply focus on making sure there are enough serving spoons.

Please pass the salt,

Gilda Gravy

Things I Don't Understand, Items 246 thru 248

246. Hugh Hefner
247. Motocross
248. How confusing and wrong it feels when someone walks in front of your car to use the drive-thru ATM

Cooper Being Kyle MacLachlan in Dune

"Do I look handsome enough?" he says, before asking if he looks handsome enough.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

On the occasion that you should wake up at The 4 A.M. Awful Thoughts Hour and are unable to fall  back into peaceful slumber it WILL NOT help you to think about those blue haired ladies from your childhood who got their hair done every two months in cotton candy shellac style---leaving you to wonder how these helmet head aliens slept and showered in between moldings.

Yours In Creepy Wonder,
Henrietta Hairspray

Things I Don't Understand, Items 243 thru 245

243. Poofy hair
244. Red Bull
245. Strawberry air freshener

Cooper Being a Concerned Democrat

"Is that man with the orange face going to come and take all my toys away?" he asks, nauseous from worry.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Color me alarmist but I have a sinking feeling that Neil Diamond's eyebrows are up to something.

Grab the kids and get inside,
Tweezey Tweezerstein

Things I Don't Understand, Items 240 thru 242

240. Hazelnut creamer
241. Why drunk people are drawn to the game of limbo
242. How unusually round Usher's face is

Cooper Being Jack Nicholson in Chinatown

"You'd think that being in one of the greatest films of all time would earn a fella some extra treats," he says, as he moves his paw slowly toward his holster.

The Cupcake Lessons

I have been furiously at work in my laboratory and have surfaced briefly to provide my latest notes and findings on my ground breaking, revolutionary and relatively unsettling Cracker Research 2010:

1. WASA "bread" moniker seems to be cause of systemic identity confusion
2. Ak-Maks continue to exhibit sociopath behavior---too much like cardboard?
3. Wheat Thins: only solution---complete and total isolation (they DO NOT see themselves as crackers) **ELITISTS (make sure to address the constant requests for extra towels and special water)
4. RyCrisp mass depression appears to coincide with CheezIts proliferation
5. Search and rescue: Goldfish (an entire generation---under car seats)

Over and out,
Major Munchette

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I know there's a lot going on, people but may I remind you of some VERY IMPORTANT things to keep in mind:

1. The Judds
2. Their bangs
3. All the schmaltzy, barfnanimous hoo-ha about faith
4. FALSE PROMISES THAT THEY ARE GOING AWAY FOREVER...AGAIN...FOR THE NINE HUNDREDTH TIME
5. Love Will Build a Bridge ---- TO HATE
6. Square dancing skirts and boots and Hepatitis C or B or L or Whatever Letter Stands for Live Throughout All Eternity
7. Linebacker shoulders and stuff like "God bless ya"
8. Botox up the poop chute

Boo howdy,
Lone Cowboy Critical

Things I Don't Understand, Items 237 thru 239

237. Sky diving
238. People that get all up in your face about how figs keep you regular
239. Why no one ever talks about the fact Justin Timberlake is obviously half Pomeranian

Cooper Being Rageful Upon Hearing That We Needed To Make Another Trip To the Repair Counter at PC Mall Palace

"When they refer to themselves as a "Palace" do you think they mean the kind of palace that is more like a shanty town hell hole where you lose your mind and go slowly insane?" he asks, as he rips the head off his beloved Snakey toy.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If I could I would assure you that everything is going to be okay and I'd take your hand and we'd stroll along the boulevard and gab about how no matter how cute you think your outfit is on a certain day that ten years later if you saw that outfit you'd think you looked like Kelly McGillis from Top Gun and want to shoot yourself and we'd laugh and smile and have a good ol' time...

HOWEVER

There is this situation with this penny pinching semi-homemade whorelita Sandra Lee who changes her kitchen curtains every day and I must tell you: IT DOES NOT LOOK GOOD, PEOPLE. In fact, it looks VERY VERY BAD.

You could tell yourself that things will be doable. That WE CAN DO IT. That we'll get through this together but then you'd only be fooling yourself---LIKE 99 CENT STORE FOOLING YOURSELF--- because when you turn on the TV and you see this lady with the can opener talkin' 'bout Tablescapes and her new "Put a Stick In It Mocktail" you'd realize we're all hosed.

Puree This,
Beulah B. Otch

Things I Don't Understand, Items 234 thru 236

234. Fried pork rinds
235. If a person chooses to play the tuba or if the tuba chooses to wrap itself around the person
236. Plaid sheets

Cooper Being Carmen Miranda

This photo, taken in the mid 40s, captured what some think is the ONLY moment lacking lewdness in the fruit obsessed starlet's life.

"If we are honest with ourselves we will all embrace the fact that wearing bananas, grapes and foliage on our heads is the only way to express our full sexual passion," he once said before shoving a mango in his ear.

Monday Judegements and Warnings

How To Tell If Your Butt Is Talking Too Much:

1. The person you're conversing with asks you to stand up because the words coming out of your butt are muffled.
2. When you review your Power Point presentation about Power Point Presentations your chair vibrates right around the area of your big fat butt.
3. Mini-lectures given about your theories on Supply and Demand create small wildfires in the four foot radius around your gabby tuckus.
4. People regularly greet you by trying to shake hands with your bottom.

Don't Look At Me I Didn't Make the Rules,
Dixie Doubter

Things I Don't Understand, Items 234 thru 236

234. Elderly men in pleated pants
235. How much toothpaste is left in the toothpaste tube after you think there is absolutely no more toothpaste left
236. Hairless cats

Cooper Being a Fugitive From Justice

"There are times in a hound's life when a hound's gotta run," he says, smoking a stoagie.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

It may or may not surprise you to know that I have come face to face with The Person In Charge and it may or may not surprise you that I am putting you all on High Stage Persimmon-Burnt Sienna-Orange Scary Person Alert because this gal means business and this gal drives a big, bad, (kind of tiny) BUT LOUD, VERY LOUD 1920 Honda Civic with the entire left side completely caved in as if the entire nation of Senegal plowed into it and she darts in and out of traffic like a hornet ---she DARTS! and changes lanes and slams on her brakes and gives dirty looks and darts more in and out of traffic--- EVEN WHEN THERE IS NO TRAFFIC-- she honks and flips people off like other people say Hi How Are You I'm Fine and she holds her cigarette out the window and hunches over the steering wheel like Travis Bickle and sneers and just when you think she cannot be more Large and In Charge in her miniature, snarly two-door she flies by you in a cloud of exhaust and you catch a glimpse of her license plate and it says:

SHARKL8Y

with the words Hello Officer, Put It On My Tab framing it and you think, um, you'll just keep your mouth shut for now and allow The Lady to pass because you know full well that in all the battles of your life there are those that might be worth losing.

Yours in forfeiture and awe,
Peggy Pipsqueak

Saturday SlobberLove

I am aware that my life is filled with love and fresh flowers that last for weeks on end as if they are genetically altered and a husband who doesn't judge me for my year round devotion to flannel sheets and decent shower pressure and a view of the ocean and a dog who rivals Jon Stewart in the personality department and a bunion free existence thus far and the presence of mind to know that orange is the only color for anything Le Creuset and relatively few run ins with the law and plenty of really nice towels and reliably good breath and I appreciate all of this magic---I really do---but it would all go straight into the crapper if it weren't for my beloved Grape-Nuts.

I honestly do not know if I could survive without their handsome, stalwart, no-nonsense presence in my life and lord knows I'd be a fool to try.

Yours in proper milk to cereal ratio,
Princess Crunch

Things I Don't Understand, Items 231 thru 233

231. Why builders don't use oatmeal that's been left sitting in a bowl for cement
232. Where a person acquires the audacity to stand in the 15 Item Express Line with 47 items in their cart
233. Vitamin Water

Cooper Being Emma Thompson in Nanny McPhee

"From Shakespeare to facial hair---what a career I've had," he says, ignoring the fact that all the child actors on the set refer to him as Karl Malden.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I have never, nor will I ever, stand before you and act like I'm Lady Mayor of Elegance or what have you but if you're going to BLAST that creepy rave music AT SIX THIRTY IN THE GOD DAMN MORNING so loud that anyone within a 900 mile radius of your suped up Mazda has a violent nostril twitch attack --- you need to go back to the How-To-Be-In-the-World-Without-Making-People-Barf drawing board.

I'm just saying,
Assistant to the Lord of Quiet

Saturday SlobberLove

Have you ever had such an enjoyable doodie you have to bite your favorite chewie toy and act like you're a teradactyl?

Me too.

Rock On People,
Mister Master Happy Hound

Things I Don't Understand, Items 228 thru 230

228. Tilt-A-Whirls
229. Botox
230. Why no one has ever made a horror film based on the unpredictable complexity of smoke alarms and their enigmatic batteries and buttons and beeps and eardrum bursting sirens

Cooper Being Sarah Miles in Ryan's Daughter

"I understand that people equate that movie with profundity and longing but the main thing I remember were drunken villagers urinating into the wind," he says, hiding behind a boulder.

Things I Like More Than Christine O'Donnell

1. Group colon cleansings
2. Horse flies in my ears
3. Being forced to make small talk with Mickey Rourke
4. Mildew flavored gum
5. Rickets

Sunday Secret

There is no way I would ever write about this but if I were to write about this I would tell you that:

1. I think in black and white, relentlessly
2. I don't believe in God---as a matter of fact---the fact that I capitalized the G just now made me feel like a hypocrite
3. I only know that I do not know
4. If I could I would lighten up
5. On most days I believe that to suffer true and deep loss is to join a club that, although there is no turning back and is not much fun, is the only way to burst your heart open and understand that there are very few reasons for existence that happen while standing in line at CostCo

The combination of these 4 things makes for a challenging existence. By challenging I mean---on many days I feel like I am the only member of my own club and so I search for those who are like minded and when I do find a like minded one I sigh and take a step back and just nod my head in recognition because that is the way I would want it.

And despite of or because of this I feel lucky.

On NPR this weekend Ira Glass wove together such incredible stories that there were THREE TIMES I sat in my car, motionless, waiting for the end of the story. And there was one story in particular that held my interest. It was about a young boy---a teenager--- who killed a girl with his car. He was driving one way and she was riding her bike in the other and suddenly she swerved into oncoming traffic and he hit her. Her head cracked his windshield.

The way this story affected me is what I would never tell you. But if I were to tell you I would share that it is these kinds of stories---these stories about unimaginable grief and loss---that give me hope. It is these kinds of stories that I can barely listen to initially---I heard the beginning of this story on Saturday morning and finally heard the end of it on the rebroadcast this evening while I cooked dinner---that hold such comforting truth for me that I must listen to them in stages---more because I want to have that feeling of being less alone, longer.

The thing is that every time I think I know nothing I hear something that makes me feel convinced that I know everything. And on the days when I feel that the losses I have suffered are undeniable burdens in the morning---by late afternoon I am heart burst open grateful that I have experienced the losses that I have because those are the things that bring me clarity and those are the things that find me standing in my kitchen wondering about another person's journey as I would my own.

And all of this is what makes me wonder. So. I guess this is not so much a secret as a sharing and I guess I'm not so much a Black and White thinker as a Person In Search of Gray and I guess I'm not so much a person that does not believe in god as one who believes in Ira Glass.

Yours in Unending Contemplation,
Sergeant Holy Moly

Things I Don't Understand, Items 225 thru 227

225. Drivers addicted to changing lanes
226. Life before vegetable peelers
227. Harps and those who play them

Cooper Being Ali MacGraw in Love Story

"I thought the line should have been 'LOVE MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY I HATE YOU YOU'RE TOO CONTROLLING' but no one listened to me," he says, making sure his hair is parted in the middle.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I don't want to be an alarmist or anything but while the rest of you have been arguing about health care and equal rights and global warming---Tori Spelling, her husband Dean and their homely children are slowly taking over the world.

Batten Down the Hatches Cuz This One's a Big'n,
General Uh-Oh

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on Saturday evenings, after we've resisted the temptation to spend money like big dopes on overpriced MSG-tainted Thai food take-out, and we INSTEAD make hearty and satisfying whole wheat pasta with arrabiatta sauce that makes us ooh and ahh for the better part of the meal---sometimes, after that---after we have wound down a bit and gazed out into the night sky and commented on the fact that the air is draped with thoughts about how soon it will be Halloween and then Thanksgiving and then Christmas and how it's eerie the way we can feel all this just by standing still outside---after all this---we feel the stillness even more profoundly and we each feel our individual heartsongs and we look up toward the moon and we say:

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE WONDROUS ON THIS EARTH THAN A PEPPERONCINI?

Ciao Bella,

Signorina Crunch

Things I Don't Understand, Items 223 thru 224

223. The band RUSH
224. Women who have so many collagen injections that their lips look like baby sea lions
225. Carrot Top (obviously)

Cooper Being Zero Mostel in The Producers

Here he is seen just seconds before flashing his famous Nostrils in the Air shot that never failed to have the entire crowd in stitches from hysterical, convulsive laughter.

"One time I made a lady laugh so hard her bazooms burst right there in the front row," he says before grabbing a passing stage hand's buttocks while making a loud honking noise.

"Oh how I love a plump tuckus!" he shouts, zanily.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Recently, I received the 98 gazillionith email from Sephora promoting their Just Say No To Wrinkles campaign and within the text of the email was a scientific little search field inviting me to Search By Concern so I immediately took advantage of this amazing device and typed in my most serious concerns in that moment: Bears and Someone coming into my office on the rare occasion that I've farted moments before and I have heard NOTHING back from the Sephora Scientists. Does this mean that the people at Sephora are, in fact, NOT scientists or does this mean that I need to consult other marketing experts in order to find a decent balm for my concerned queries?
---Doubled Over With Doubt in Dinwiddle

Dear Doubled,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I don't gamble and I've never been in a knife fight but if I were forced to choose sides and ready myself for battle I think I could do it.

I think I could rile myself up enough with a bunch of violent-ishey affirmations--- like how those poor little half dozen soldiers who listened to that We Few, We Happy Few! speech from Henry V---I could do it. I could put my armor on and stand, more serious than any serious that has ever been serious (like as serious as when you hit Reply All by mistake--THAT FUCKING SERIOUS) and stare at myself in the mirror and get all up in my own face and then grab my sword and march onto the battlefield and say my Hail Mary Chapin Carpenters and then go CHARGING!, like a righteous and self-obsessed very uptight bull into battle, screaming:

GIVE ME CANTALOUPE OR GIVE ME DEATH! as I slay each and every Honeydew Soldier who is unfortunate enough to cross my path.

Serious Times Call For Serious Measures,
Betty Battlecry

Things I Don't Understand, Items 220 thru 222

220. Sandra Lee and her delirium tremens themed tablescapes
221. When companies have Crazy Hat Day!
222. The remote control

Cooper Being Sally Field in Not Without My Daughter

"Helllllooooooooooooo. Is she there? Can you see her? Did she leave? Where is she? Can I go home now? Why was I cast in this movie?"he asks before regaling us with a story about his bittersweet love affair with Burt Reynolds and then reminding us about the fact that, although he is 97 years old, he still wears size 4 Levi's.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

In the end, if we're all honest with ourselves, I think we can all relax and look each other straight in the eye and admit---without regret and without shame---that power scarves were and are an  illusion that provided nothing of value other than to remind us that there was only one other thing worse than shoulder pads.

I Am Woman, Hear Me Doubt,
Gidget Go To Hell

Sunday Prayer

Sometimes, when I watch the Emmy's, and some handsome guy or girl talks about some awful thing that's happening and he or she gets all bloated and acts like he or she is Jonas Salk or somethin' er uther and goes on about WE SHOULD and WE WILL and PAKISTAN and TAKES A VILLAGE and OUR CRAFT and THIS IS YOURS AS MUCH AS MINE and WE HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO TEACH THE WORLD I just wish that he or she would get a sudden and startling and completely incapacitating big gnarly out-of-control stinky ass butt violent attack of exploding diarrhea that would make him or her run off stage screaming for a diaper.

But that's just me.  Because I'm mean and resentful in my prayer.  And I realize that this hateful trait will deliver me a fiery reckoning one day.  And I am prepared for that because I know nothing...AND I MEAN NOTHING that happens to me will be as bad as what should happen to Jewell.

Color me crotchety,
Helen the Hisser

Things I Don't Understand, Items 217 thru 219

217.  Why no one has ever thought to utilize the mind bendingly bright light that shines from cable boxes to look for missing necklace clasps on the floor of the Amazon Rainforest in pitch black darkness
218.  How incapacitating the feelings of disbelief, horror, outrage and betrayal can be when cream curdles in coffee
219.  Dried flowers

Cooper Being Helen Hunt in Twister

"Filming that movie was terrifying but I'd already lived through seven hundred thousand fifty eight million episodes of Mad About You so I knew I could survive anything," he says, moments before a cow driving a Pontiac hurls into his forehead.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Sometimes, when people tell me that they're strong or they're brave, I look at them as if I believe what they're saying and I nod my head in comrade-like validation but inside I'm thinking Yeah, but do you have the courage to confront Steve Jobs about his addiction to mom jeans? 

Just because we ignore it doesn't mean it isn't so,
Tillie Truthstein
Truth Squad, Tenth Division

Sunday Prayer

Sometimes on Sunday we pause and we reflect on the lord and what is most important in our lives. 

And we briefly curse the long armed ones for focusing primarily on the laundry instead of lobbing our precious Squeaker Toy and we wait and we wait and we stare and we stare and we stare until one of the long armed ones says "look he reminds me of Anthony Hopkins in Magic" and then instead of growling or charging or snapping we sit and we wait more whilst keeping in mind that They Know Not What They Do and then we go outside and we make a pee pee.

Friday Conclusion

This morning, as I ran out the door to work (I wasn't actually running, it was more like I was lumbering along in a quagmire of sleepy nauseated anxiety) but as I was about to leave I remembered that I had VOWED to myself that I would start eating a healthy breakfast FOR THE LOVE OF GOD how many times do I have to hear this wisdom advice before I believe it? and as I thought this I swiped an avocado from the avocado thing-dish-holder on top of the microwave and then---after I had been at work for a bit---I decided that I was going to eat my avocado.

So I scurried into the OTHER KITCHEN on the OTHER SIDE of the building. As if I were in Macy's in the Teen department and then I crossed over into the Large Lady Living department and I rooted through the drawers in the OTHER UNKNOWN-ISH KITCHEN confounded by all the foreign mysteriousnous of this kitchen I rarely spend time in although there were some things that made me feel at home like the signs about washing your own freaking dishes and such and eventually I was able to find a nice paper plate with little lavender flowers on it that was the absolute perfect size for my avocado and as I was about to slice into my healthy breakfast I thought I should share half of this and I quick like a stealthy Prius shot down the hall and asked my co-worker if she would be game to share half of my avocado---no strings attached--- and she said ABSOLUTOMUNDO! so I ran back to my cutting station after acquiring a REAL BUTTER KNIFE from my co-worker who was about to be the recipient of a NICE HEALTHY BREAKFAST GIFT (she just produced it Houdini-like from her drawer; that's just the type of miracle worker she is) and I cut my avocado, salted it using one of those little dwarfish paper cube salt things and after delivering my Avocado Gift to my knife lender and fellow avocado lover I went back to my desk and enjoyed the most perfect avocado I think anyone of earth has ever enjoyed. It was sheer and utter ambrosia in consistency and color and taste. It was as if it was here to teach me that having breakfast is very worthwhile.

So I had that going for me.

And if that wasn't enough, after I finished my perfect avocado feast, I was looking in my wallet for the Bed, Bath and Beyond receipt that had the Vornado fan on it that broke---I found an EXTRA Menchie's frozen yogurt frequent purchaser ticket-card thingy with two punches in it! so right before I went to lunch while I was standing with my dear friend and co-worker at the elevator I DASHED back over to the butter knife lender avocado lover and left the Menchie's card on her desk and I envisioned her face lighting up with joy when she saw it and I knew that whatever one might say about me one could never say that I am not thoughtful and that I do not savor the small yet gigantic everyday joys of life. Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

THERE IS NO GOOD GOD DAMN REASON THAT FRIDAYS CANNOT BE FILLED WITH ELEGANCE AND GRACE

Later Gator,
Betty Brightside

Things I Don't Understand, Items 214 thru 216

214. Why Dustin Hoffman acts like he's Queen Elizabeth
215. The Don't-Give-Money-To-Homeless-People-Because-They'll-Spend-It-On-Alcohol-or-Drugs assface argument
216. Parboiling

Cooper Being Brad Pitt in Ocean's Eleven

Here he is seen having a stare down with Don Cheadle that was famously interrupted by one of George Clooney's World Famous Wild and Crazy Zany Wacky On Set Practical Jokes.

"The guy just likes to find excuses to give other people really bad melvins," he says, as he unwraps his underwear from around his earlobes.

Things I Like More Than John Boehner

1. AstroTurf towels
2. Having my peaceful homestead be overtaken by a gang of angry possums
3. Falling into a well
4. Being forced to wear only yellow clothing
5. Bone spurs

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Not that I'm an expert on zoning or anything but shouldn't there be some sort of permit required in order to wear jodphurs?

Send in the clowns,
Wendy Weird Outfit

Things I Don't Understand, Items 211 thru 213

211. Green Jujyfruits
212. Ina Garten's marriage to Jeffrey
213. Why you never hear much about the nail polish color naming industry

Cooper Being Barbra Streisand in Prince of Tides

"Come back to me Nick Nolte---you crazed wispy haired lunatic you," he says, moments before ripping off his pants and asking a nearby tourist HAVE YOU EVER SEEN LEGS THIS GORGEOUS?

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Everywhere I look on the Internet I see a very important notice that proclaims FOLLOW THIS ONE SIMPLE RULE AND LOSE YOUR BELLY FAT FOREVER! and I've never taken the time to investigate this No Belly Fat Formula That Is Unusually Easy but I was wondering if you knew---does the one rule to losing belly fat involve NOT consuming 3/4 of a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Macadamia like a crazed (albeit happy) baboon in front of the T.V. while RIPPING TO SHREDS last year's movie about Tolstoy with your hubby OR does the one ridiculously DUMBO rule to rid your tummy lard involve simply saying THANK YOU KINDLY, BUT NO to any offers of large, piping hot Snicker doodles during the work day?
---Bewildered and Bloated in Beaver Creek

Dear Bloated,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If you happen to be unfortunate enough to cross the path of some know-it-all acquaintance who goes to the mat with you on the gas inducing quality of cucumbers and they maniacally cite that older than the hills You-Burn-More-Calories-Chewing-Them argument like some crazed gastrointestinal trivia obsessed hyena just keep your cool, take a sip of your lemon water and state very calmly but with confidence:

NO. THAT'S CELERY. NOW, I'M SORRY BUT I REALLY MUST BE GOING.

You've got to draw the line somewhere,
Vera of The Vigilant

Things I Don't Understand, Items 208 thru 210

208. Splenda addicts
209. Why Peter O'Toole decided he should look exactly like a cross between Gloria Swanson and Siegfried in the movie Troy
210. Mechanical pencils

Cooper Being a Woman Who Loves Too Much

"Oh my god please don't go please don't go please don't go...wait where you going?! Oh dear lord please please please don't go..don't go...you're going...you're gone..you're gone...DON'T GIVE TREATS TO OTHER DOGS!!!...oh dear god no I know you're leaving me for another dog...DON'T LEAVE!...DON'T LEAVE...Is it because I'm too gassy?...I KNEW IT!...I'm too gassy...the truth comes out...THAT'S FINE! I'M FINE!-I'm FINE!-I'll wait here.DON'T LEAVE!...Sorry...You're coming back!...THAT'S YOU AND YOU'RE COMING BACK I LOVE YOU HOW YOU'RE WALKING BACK TO ME! YAY!! LET'S PLAY!...Can we play? YAY! THERE YOU ARE!...BRAVO FOR ME!...I waited...I waited for you...and I was FINE...So now here you are returning to me at last (PHEW! I KNEW YOU WOULD---I KNEW IT!)...and we'll play and snuggle now???RIGHT?...we're gonna play now, RIGHT?" he pants, shortly before passing out.

Things I Like More Than the Tea Party

1. Violent mud slides in the middle of the night
2. Speaking in public without pants on
3. Hee-Haw reruns
4. Cheese grater massages
5. Being in a relationship with Mel Gibson

Monday Judgements and Warnings

On days that seem kinda gloomy or that seem to have that Essence Of Barf to them that inevitably create moments (possibly hours) that make me feel like pole vaulting into the dumpster next to the parking garage at work where I could snuggle in and meditate or organize my wallet until the authorities come to find me---on days such as this I employ a very crafty Mind Trick that works like a charm because Number One: It is silent and Number Two: It is swift.

What I do is I picture my thoughts as unruly little daisies and then I gather them around me like a little Poo Day Bouquet and I picture myself as a very wise gardener and I think upon my challenges and my struggles and just when I think I have it badder than bad and I can't find any alternative other than having a really big yard sale prior to moving into the Motel 6 on Pico I take a deep breath and I think this thought:

AT LEAST I'M NOT BOWSER FROM SHA-NA-NA

And within moments I regain my composure and I move onward, swiftly up the mountain.

See You At the Finish Line,
Coach Carl P. Crackpot

Things I Don't Understand, Items 205 thru 207

205. People who reenact the Civil War every other month
206. Susan Boyle
207. Bubble gum ice cream

Cooper Being Fearful of Tony Robbins

"Is the giant mouthed man with the large trousers and dynamic life force suggestions going to come and kill me?" he asks, paralyzed with terror.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

It's okay if you want to be the Galactic Leader of the PEOPLE WHO THINK SOY MILK WILL SOLVE ALL THE ILLS IN THE KNOWN AND UNKNOWN UNIVERSE but could you be so kind as to finish your dissertation over there in the cubicle where the broken chairs are?

Ever sort of fondly,
Diana Dairy

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes, just for the fun of it, we make ourselves remember when we had to haul everything to the shit hole laundromat and we feel despair and then we gaze upon our gorgeous Mrs. Washer and Mr. Dryer and we joke about doing an entire load DEDICATED TO ONLY UNDERWEAR and we sip champagne and talk about how handsome the font is on the Cold/Cold, Cold/Warm, Warm/Hot, Cold/Hot, Hot/Hot combinations and then we take off our shoes, rip off our clothes and run through the streets screaming:

WE PROMISE WE WILL NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING AGAIN

Things I Don't Understand, Items 202 thru 204

202. Corporate greed
203. Strobe lighting
204. When people answer the phone HI-THIS-IS-SUZIE-I-CAN-HELP.

Cooper Being Audrey Hepburn in Wait Until Dark

"Alan Arkin used to tell me that my pixie haircut was the only thing that classified that film as a horror flick," he says, before adding his opinion of Arkin as "a bitter old Jew."

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I have a Glamour Do/Don't question for you. What explains the phenomenon of men who wear braided pigtails? Are they somehow unable to see themselves in the mirror or have they just been watching too many reruns of Little House On the Prairie? Any insight you provide would be mighty helpful.
Dumbfounded In Duluth

Dear Dumbfounded,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I'm not a religious person but JUST SAY I'M TOTALLY WRONG and when I die I'm going to be loaded onto a bus with the destination: Heaven---Possibles and then be corralled into a pen with other well-meaning worriers where I will wait until my name is called at which time I will be paraded in front of the Big Boss and asked a series of questions about HOW I managed to talk my best friend into forging my father's signature in order to ditch 80% of 7th grade and WHY I chose to NOT pay so many parking tickets and WHAT I was thinking when I lied to my neighbor about my elderly dog peeing on her front lawn and WHEN was I going to admit that I adored Kenny Loggins to my closest confidants and, frankly, I will not know what to say other than I did the best I could, I avoided playing Farmville on Facebook and AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY I assisted a wayward senior citizen.

My fear is that all of this will be overlooked HOWEVER the focus will be on the fact that I betrayed my code of ethics by day after day after day using those hideous emoticon smiley faces against my better judgement and BECAUSE OF THIS, I anticipate, I will never be forgiven.

Let the chips fall where they may,
Penelope Purgatory

Saturday SlobblerLove

I bought some gladiolas yesterday that look so much like Liza Minnelli in their vase it makes me want to wear false eyelashes and buy a bunch of clothing that drapes FROM my body as opposed to clings TO it.

"Look! They're gonna sing The Man That Got Away next," I scream to Mister Cupcake, all caught up in the Razz-Ma-Tazz.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 199 thru 201

199. When you cannot, for the life of you, find the start of the toilet paper roll
200. Why old people read personalized license plates, street signs and business marquees out loud as if they've never seen letters joined together to make words
201. Baseball caps worn too snug

Cooper Being Josh Brolin in No Country For Old Men

"I got into uh boat load uh trouble on the set because I constantly mistook Javier Bardim for Nancy Kulp from The Beverly Hillbillies when I saw him from the back," he says, looking sheepish.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

My husband and I were recently involved in a small neighborhood skirmish that involved a disagreement over Ken Burns's ancestry. Some of us argued that he is the great-great-great grandson of the cherry cheeked gnome in that odd 70's All-Wood-Cast Christmas classic Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer and others never wavered from their belief that Ken is a direct descendant of the miniature faced Thomas the Tank Engine villagers while a renegade few disparaged the views of the rest of us and just kept yelling HE'S A WHO FROM WHOVILLE, YOU'RE A COMPLETE MORON IF YOU DON'T SEE THAT. Can you weigh in here and tell us who is right?
---Ready To Rumble In Rialto

Dear Rumble,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

...and the Buddha, after sitting cross-legged under the Bodhi Tree for a FREAKING LONG TIME, opened his eyes and looked out upon the vast universe and realized that BECAUSE HE HAD THE COURAGE TO SIT WITH All OF IT--ALL OF WHAT HUMANS ENDURE AND EXPERIENCE---he had created PRACTICALLY enough room in his heart to hold the world entire---the sun and the moon and the sky and the stars and the grief and the joy and the confusion and the passion and the doubt and the way your seat belt sometimes gets caught when you try to lean forward and the trees and the children and the elderly and every emotion that humans, as a species, encounter and then he stood up, complained about his knees only briefly and AT LAST spoke to his devotees:

I GIVE UP. I CAN'T DO IT. I FORGOT ABOUT LEA THOMPSON.

Reporting from Lotusville,
Ernie Enlightened

Things I Don't Understand, Items 196 thru 198

196. How flat Susan Sarandon's butt is
197. Compulsive honkers
198. Why California Rolls are so frowned upon in the sushi community

Cooper Being Meg Tilly in Agnes of God

"Remember when I did the splits in The Big Chill?-----Me too," he says, as he shoots Jane Fonda an icy stare.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

There have been moments in my life when I have entertained the idea of becoming a professional chef, HOWEVER, I have a relatively small forehead and I do not think I could endure The Awful Effed Up Freak Hat that chefs are forced to wear so I was wondering if you know---do ALL chefs have to wear the white trashcan hat or are there alternatives such as an elegant scarf or an understated visor?
---All Twisted Up Like a Pretzel in Pahrump

Dear Twisted,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I was recently the victim of a Small Talk Sniper Attack in the check out line of Albertsons and I am not going to give you ALL the upsetting details because I don't want to ruin the rest of your year but BE ADVISED that, although I survived, the female perpetrator is still on the loose and was last spotted at a Rite-Aid paralyzing an older male by describing what her bathroom curtains look like.

This woman SWOOPS IN like a condor. Initially you might think OH LOOK IT'S A THING OF UNUSUAL WONDER I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD BE AWESTRUCK OR FRIGHTENED. This is part of her Confusion Ambush Tactic. Do not engage with her.

This woman IS VERY VERY TAN. She could be in her 20s or she could be in her 80s---the condition of her skin has made it impossible to pinpoint her age.

This woman has a mouth the size of that GIANT barn-garage they keep the Space Shuttle in when it is not in flight. If you engage in conversation with her YOU ARE IN DANGER.

Helmets do not help.

God Help Us All,
Commander Ignore

Saturday SlobberLove

Although the 4th of July has primarily represented exploding hands and runaway dogs to me, I must admit that there are moments---while the barbecue is BLAZING and the neighbors are BINGE drinking and we're all sitting around the FIRE pit arguing about why our fore fathers wore those homely white wigs---that I am able to stop, take a moment and think about (and I mean REALLY think about) what sacrifices have been made and what it would all be like without what we know are some of The Most enduring and life-saving elements of our existence:

POT HOLDERS and OVEN MITTS

Give Me Singe-Free Zones or Give Me Death,
Lord Chicken Leg

Things I Don't Understand, Items 193 thru 195

193. Men who employ Constant Cowboy Hat as their style strategy
194. Farmville
195. People who seem to be opposed to coconut

Cooper Being Cate Blanchett in Lord of the Rings

"...and it was in this SHIRE that the hobbit Frodo BAGGINS was given the Ring of POWER while SIMULTANEOUSLY battling with the GOO-GOO DOLLS of MIDDLE EARTH high above the trees that actually were NOT trees but were kind of MEN who looked like SLY STONE from Sly and the Family Stone and who ventured FORTH leaving bloated old BILBO back in the CRAP PALACE he lived in far beyond the terrible awful ORCS who were CONSTIPATED UNHAPPY and then onward, onward, onward toward TIGHT PONY TAILED Gandalf the Grey (because good god that long grey hair should be enough to protect us from all the enemies) and then the ONE RING, the ONE RING and GONDOR and the FELLOWSHIP and the LAVA and IS SEAN ASTIN'S MOTHER REALLY PATTY DUKE? although there is MY PRECIOUS and all the hideousness of the MINES OF MORIA not to mention HOW HAIRY OUR BIG ASS FEET ARE!," he says before we hit him over the head with a hammer.

Tuesday Recipe

Uncomfortable Afternoon Stew Ingredients

2 lbs. surprise Bible Verse references, rinsed and finely chopped
1 "Happy Hump Day!!!" greeting, flattened with rolling pin or meat mallet
4 cups Scowly Mad Face
9 gallons freshly brewed doubt
2 tsp. fried brain feeling, minced
2 tsp. jumpy yuck nervousness, minced
fear and wonder to taste

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Just suppose you're conversing with a person who seems to be hell bent on confusing you like how those awful scary "researchers" tried to confuse Genevieve Bujold in Coma.

OR

Perhaps you find yourself interacting with someone who is talking down to you as if you were a paralyzed marionette and they were your Gepetto when Gepetto is on an angry violent bender.

THESE ARE REAL LIFE SITUATIONS PEOPLE.

Now! You might think that the best thing to do in either of these situations is to feign a grand mal seizure or to run away SWIFTLY while pretending to talk on your cell phone in a way that telegraphs I AM DEALING WITH AN EMERGENCY! but you would be wrong because what if you do not have your cell phone?

Luckily I am one of several thousand scientists who've been working on this area of human experience and the early conclusive results reveal that the best way to react to a Psychic Mugging is to remain stock still, gird your loins (in whatever way feels best for you), look your Mugger in the eye and say (in your BEST Gary Coleman voice):

WUTCHOO TALKIN' BOUT WILLIS!

An option is to follow this up with a hoity toity head shake back and forth but this may not be needed.

Best Wishes For Your Continued Success,
Beula Bargeface

Things I Don't Understand, Items 190 thru 192

190. Pants-Around-the-Bottom-Of-the-Butt style
191. Copenhagen
192. How admitted Barry Manilow fans get through life unscathed

Cooper Being a Sea Horse

"Would you think I was a magical sea creature if I told you that I navigate my way around under here by passing gas and then letting the bubbles propel me forward?" he asks, as he speeds past a manatee.

Things I Like More Than BP CEO Tony Hayward

1. Being slugged in the face with a tire iron
2. Cardboard underwear
3. Forcing myself to stare at a photograph of Joan and Melissa Rivers
4. Violent locust swarms during supper
5. Herpes

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Someone, somewhere may have evidence to the contrary but I have never seen anything of value occur when a person decides to squeeze themselves into a neon Kelly green SKIN TIGHT sweatsuit and then strut their stuff around the ol' neighborhood.

As a matter of fact, I would go so far as to say this kind of reckless activity causes severe and lasting damage.

Just Keep Walking and Don't Make Eye Contact,
Franny Frightened

Things I Don't Understand, Items 187 thru 189

187. Why Hannah Storm insists on dressing like she's at an 80's Disco pounding back Long Island Iced Teas
188. Emailers addicted to using capital letters
189. Who decided that John Voight should play Howard Cossell in Ali

Cooper Being Lindsay Lohan

This photo of the troubled booze hound starlet was taken moments after he drove a Prius through the wall of a crowded nightclub where Samantha Ronson was DJ'ing.

"Excuse me but, like, it is so EFFED up to not call someone back," he says, before kicking several nearby security guards in the groin.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I'm writing to you in a last ditch effort to get help in a situation that very well may be hopeless. My husband and I have sought assistance from the ACLU, Gloria Allred and our local Congressman, to no avail, and having exhausted all of our known resources we are currently living under a freeway overpass. The stark truth of our life is that we did not like the movie Avatar. I REPEAT: WE DID NOT LIKE THE MOVIE AVATAR (a therapist suggested that we say this out loud as much as possible in an attempt to take the gas out of the planet explosion it will most likely manifest)and because of this---WE DID NOT LIKE AVATAR AND ACTUALLY THOUGHT IT WAS BORING AND STUPID---our life is in shambles. We're writing you, NOT for you to try to talk us into why we SHOULD like the movie Avatar, WE DID NOT LIKE THE MOVIE AVATAR AND ONE OF US ACTUALLY FELL ASLEEP WHEN WE RENTED THIS MOVIE, we wanted to know if you think it is better for us to move to a Goat Farm in Slovenia or if we should just turn ourselves in to the authorities at our local police department and accept our life sentence as loathsome outcasts?
---Freaked Out and Flatulent in Fulton

Dear Flatulent,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Sometimes, in the all alone early early morning, I get afraid that Taylor Swift is going to take over the world and I imagine that when she does she is going to force all of us to grow our hair really long and rock out more because, well, music is healing y'all.

And if that isn't scary enough, in the stark light of daybreak, I push myself even farther to see how much SHEER TERROR I can endure and I spend just a few seconds (that's all I can take) picturing Taylor VERY CHEERILY visiting every single person in the world by personally knocking on their door to tell them that Attitude Is a Choice So Choose a Good One and then handing them a little 4 X 6 white and pink framed monstrosity that actually says this (as she is now marketing it) --- Taylor Proverbism --- in her curly writing. And before she jumps onto her big ass bus with the little city in it that has it's own government she yells back You Can Do It!

And the hopeful part is that I know that if I can survive this hideous and frightening storyline, I know I can handle anything.

And in that way I am a survivor and a pioneer.

Dry Heavingly Yours,
Nadine of the Bitter

Saturday SlobberLove

Today was that kind of summer day that started off gloomy and then slowly revealed itself as a velvet-shiny sort of day.

The sort of day that makes it easy to spend the first portion of it reading in bed until the light signals to you that it's time to tumble into the rest of the day---doing small chores and errands and walks that involve lovely, unawkward conversations with strangers that make you feel proud of yourself for not retreating.

The kind of day that makes you curious about the way the light crosses the porch and what sort of dinner might do that light justice in the evening and how many good views you'll see on the road trip you have planned and what will happen if the hydrangeas continue their fancy show they've been putting on and you feel just perfectly FINE and then you realize that, soon before you know it, it will be Christmas and you think that in certain moments and on certain days you have the best life despite and because of all of it and you know down to your bones for several true hours just how lucky you are.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 184 thru 186

184. Men who wear toupees that look like awnings
185. Fabric softener
186. Oprah's relationship with Stedman (obviously)

Cooper Being Kate Gosselin on Dancing With the Stars

Here he is seen shaking his head so hard his bangs fell off.

"I had to do something to distract the judges from the fact that I had the rhythm of a parking meter," he says with a very large disturbing smile plastered across his face.

Tuesday Poem

I don't know if I've mentioned that my father died in 2006 and this was the year that my now-husband and I decided it was the year we should get married. Largely because my dad was our favorite person and we were his favorite couple and we thought OH MY HOLY MOLY WE HAVE SUFFERED THIS OTHER-WORLDLY LOSS---WE SHOULD CREATE OUR OWN GIGANTIC JOYFUL GAIN and so we decided to wed. And we pictured how happy he would be and it propelled us into our life union.

But that's not really the point. The point is that my father was on his way to receive the test results that would deliver his No Alzheimer's - Yes Alzheimer's sentence on SEPTEMBER ELEVENTH, TWO THOUSAND AND ONE. Right---you heard me. September 11th, 2001. 9-11.

While the rest of the world equates 9-11-01 with the most devastating terrorist attack our country has ever suffered, my family equates that day with the day that postponed the news that was delivered to us where we learned that our father would begin the slow decline into oblivion. The decline that all family members dread. The decline that, if you ADORE someone, is the decline that is that diagnosis you do not want to hear. How could you? If you love someone, the thing you wish for that person is that they don't lose their mind slowly and painfully and in the most complicated and scary way you could imagine.

Capeci?

So. Here is the poem that I wrote, using the fuel of my father's diagnosis. The diagnosis that eventually took him and that he, in the end, suffered with his particularly elegant form of GRATEFUL SWEETNESS...

It was as if we discovered that we were losing him from one moment to the next, however, we know that things aren't always that way. We all knew in our hearts---my sister, my brother-in-law, my husband, ME---His Truest and Most Devoted Fans that we'd CREATE ANOTHER REALITY for ourselves simply because we loved him enough to pretend that it might not be happening and simply because we reflected his love for us back to him---and this was the thing that kept all of us going. Because of all the people for us NOT to lose it would have been him. And I tried to describe this in a poem.

What The Experts Don't Tell You

It happens the way you'd fear it most
Not from one month to the next
but in one moment: predictable and happy
and in the next: all wrong

The people you hear about on the news
that could never be you
Are around the next corner
Waiting to exchange their life for yours

They want you to know
they don't want to be virtuous
To make something meaningful from their pain
Or establish another foundation in their son's name

They would rather you take their burden from them
Exchange their unwanted tragedy for your freedom
Your unknowing, precarious life
They'd snatch it from you in a minute
if they could

It's Election Day and I always think of him on Election Day and so this post is for him. The Nicest Bolshevik I Have Ever Known.

Sincerely,
The Hopeful Griever

Monday Judgements and Warnings

This morning as I left my house I thought to myself Wait, I can't remember...is war the answer? Or is war NOT the answer? and just as I thought this one of those new Jaguars flew by and on the back of this Jaguar was a bumper sticker that said:

WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER

And so I thought, OK! There ya go, we're are all clear. War is NOT the answer. No answer--this war stuff. Phew. But then I thought, Well, holy chriminy, if war is NOT the answer then what the poop is?! Is banning all elastic waisted pants the answer? Is a drunken kitchen performance of Led Zeppelin's Dancing Days sung into a broom handle every five years or so the answer? What is the answer?

And just as I thought this a stealthy-anaconda Prius glided by with a bumper sticker that said:

GIRL SCOUT LEADERS HAVE A BALL

And I realized that, although I am quite clear now that war is NOT the answer, that it's quite possible that ONE of the answers might be to get someone with a better sense of what is creepy and what is not creepy on the Girl Scout Bumper Sticker Idea Committee.

You know, we could start with that and see where things lead.

Onward, I guess,
Pat of the Perpetually Puzzled

Saturday SlobberLove

I know this might sound weaselish but I cannot imagine my life without ZIPLOC STORAGE BAGS.

Sincerely,
Tillie of the 2 For $2.99 Tribe

Things I Don't Understand, Items 181 thru 183

181. The Archdiocese
182. Drivers who are addicted to honking
183. Cow tipping

Cooper Being Jane Fonda in Klute

"DO NOT TELL DABNEY COLEMAN THIS but, aside from Electric Horseman and Cat Balou, Klute was my favorite film experience and NOT just because Donald Sutherland had a tweed hat collection to die for," he says, recalling his life post Roger Vadim-Controller-Barbarella and pre Ted Turner-Straight Shooter-Buffalo Burger Griller.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Exsqueeze me but your triumphant tale of how you survived the four month waiting list period that preceded your recent 56 thousand dollar Jimmy Choo handbag purchase takes a back seat to that big booger hanging out of your left nostril.

FYI.

Sphincter says what?
CostCo Connie

Saturday SlobberLove

Sometimes on the weekends, when the movers and their U-Hauls are out and about looking sweaty and tense, I often take a drive around the block just so I can get another look at the action and I take note of the lovely mayhem right there in front of me and I, of course, notice the number of boxes yet to be loaded and I hone in on who in the crowd seems to be the one with the Master To-Do List and I secretly send a big fat GOOD LUCK to that person and as I drive away I envision what the new place will be like and my heart skips a beat when I think of that New Place Newness feeling and how you envision all the BBQs to be thrown and the walks to be taken and after I've covered that in my mind then, finally, I give a blessing for lots of closet space coupled with the ability to put things in their just-right place with ease.

If It Isn't Labeled It Doesn't Exist,
Packy Packerson
Packtown, USA

Friday Conclusion

Today I was doing this BE MINDFUL ABOUT THE TOILET AND ABOUT YOUR BREATH AND ABOUT YOUR EYELASHES AND ABOUT YOUR BUTT CRACK AND ABOUT THE BIRDS AND ABOUT YOUR FOOT ON THE BRAKE PEDAL AND ABOUT YOUR UNWARRANTED RAGE TOWARD THE ASSHOLE SMALL-TALKER IN THE ELEVATOR INVADING YOUR SPACE LIKE A SERIAL KILLER AND ABOUT THE AIR AND ABOUT WHAT, EXACTLY, CAPERS ARE AND ABOUT DARFUR AND ABOUT CHEWING SLOWER AND ABOUT THOSE DAY TO DAY ACTIVITIES THAT I TAKE ADVANTAGE OF LIKE A COMPLETE AND TOTAL ASLEEP LOSER exercise and I realized that I was drawn to a certain everyday appliance-thing that has captured my heart and had I not practiced my MINDFULNESS ACTIVITY like a soldier I would not have discovered my One True Love For a Thing That I Am Normally Psychotically MINDLESS About In Such a Way That I Should Be Doing Time.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

I AM OPENING A DOOR KNOB STORE.

Bless you ya big dope,
Cindy Spiritual

Things I Don't Understand, Items 178 thru 180

178. Freeway signs that predict arrival times to upcoming freeways
179. The Goth look in summer
180. Chef hats

Cooper Being Andy Warhol

"Be a dear and hand me my cashmere hanky," he says, before engaging in an avant garde acid trip enhanced game of Scrabble with Truman Capote and Bianca Jagger.

"VIOLETFACE IS A WORD!," he could be heard screaming.

Things I Like More Than Sean Hannity

1. Being gored by a water buffalo
2. Playing strip poker with my elderly neighbors
3. Toe jam quesadillas
4. Ponzi Schemes
5. Having that thing happen when you're talking to someone and you laugh and snot shoots out of your nose

Saturday SlobberLove

Is there anything lovelier than a hose that behaves itself?

I didn't think so.

Sincerely,
Gary Gardener

Things I Don't Understand, Items 175 thru 177

175. Why Suburus are always filthy
176. Luke warm coffee
177. Skittles

Cooper Being Annette Bening in Open Range

"Is it just me, or do they not look like bloated sex offenders?" he says while keeping his eyes peeled on the approaching drunken figures of Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Why Lee Jeans Do Not Work On Men:

1. Long Flat Butt Effect: Is that a behind or a refrigerator?
2. Toddler Alarm/Upset: Mommy, why does that man have no waist?
3. WALL OF PAUNCH
4. Cowboy boot requirement---what if you have no cowboy boots? Not fair.

Wake up and smell the flare,
Judy J. Jordache

Sunday Share

I'm not sure if you're aware of this but I am the President of the Nag Champa incense fan club. I burn it constantly and it makes me feel happy. Recently, though, I bought some jasmine scented Morning Star incense and the other night I realized it smells exactly like Old Spice aftershave.

I was cooking and although I was sauteing garlic I was overcome with the aroma of 1970's men's aftershave. And my dad. The way he would pat his face with it, kind of lazy-heavy but with determination and a certain joie de vivre. I remember thinking the container was from NASA. What was the little space ship looking thing on the top? He'd slap it on and off he'd go---smelling fresh.

I remember thinking that no matter what my mom said about him that I would love him forever.

So when I was reminded of that scent recently, I remembered that father I adored and I felt happy that my sister and I stayed close to his side as his life and memory slipped away from him and he slowly disintegrated in front of our eyes. I remembered that I am grateful for being shown how to have grace in dying and how to make Grateful a religion and how to never ever ever take coffee and a soft blanket for granted and to always keep a few things to remind you of who you are and who you dream yourself to be and that in the end it does not take much to make your big mark that is so filled with life and love and kindness.

Yours In Superfluous Longing,
Greta P. Grief

Thigns I Don't Understand, Items 172 thru 174

172. When men say "and the LADY will have" at restaurants
173. Black Reeboks with white socks
174. White Reeboks with black socks

Cooper Being Catherine Zeta-Jones

This photo, one of the only stills taken on the set of the ill-fated Camp Coquette, captures the star's mind boggling smokey sex appeal.

"Right after this shot, the hiking poles on the right proposed marriage," he recalls, before shrieking GRAMPA!!!! at a confused Michael Douglas.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I received an email today that informed me of my induction into the 2010 Edition of the Cambridge Who's Who. and apparently this is a HUGE ASS deal because only about 1.000000967 people get into this, this, THIS THING and I was wondering if you knew---do they bestow this coveted honor upon people who have gymnast agility when using a Swiffer OR do they choose people who have honed the art of worry to such an extent that their furrowed brow is seen from space?
---Constipated From Curiosity In Cankerville

Dear Constipated,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I get asked all the time how I maintain such a vibrant, strong, enduring, pure happiness in my life. Passers-by, store clerks, neighbors, crossing guards, policemen, squirrels---even high-profile Life Coaches---they all ask me the same thing over and over. They say HOW DID YOU GET SO GOSH DARN HAPPY?

And when this happens, each time it happens, I say...simply:

NO KELLY RIPA. EVER.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 169 thru 171

169. Colonics
170. Sweatshirts with embroidered wolves on them
171. White Castle Burgers

Cooper Being a JC Penney Catalog Model

Here he is seen modeling the groundbreaking Over-Sized Aquatic Burlap Scarf that also converted into a bedspread for evening.

"It may have made my career but it nearly broke my freaking neck," he says remembering his rise to Crappy Chain Store Catalog Super Model fame.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

This evening, when I walked into my kitchen I saw Kosher Salt flash a switchblade and get all up in Sea Salt's business.

Kosher Salt was screaming You are going DOWN Sissy Man-with-the-Van-Gogh-painting-on-your-container!

Sea Salt was cracked out and kept going JEW---I will CUT YOU! in a crazy baboon way.

Then a full on riot broke out and before I knew it all that was left was a container of orange garlic spread and a jar of Worcestershire and Mister Cupcake and Cooper and I were just huddled next to our new IKEA lamp in the corner praying for our safety and for the promise of a new sunrise.

Keep an eye on your condiments people. They aren't as innocent as you might think.

Saturday Sleuthing

This afternoon Mister Cupcake made a grocery run to Albertsons and when he returned he proudly entered the door holding up the latest issue of People magazine knowing how happy this would make me.

WHY IS SANDRA BULLOCK ON THE COVER OF PEOPLE MAGAZINE WITH HARRIET TUBMAN? I thought for several seconds before I realized that she was NOT on the cover with Harriet Tubman but was actually holding her new baby boy Louis.

Mystery solved.

Then when I was perusing the pages of the literary masterpiece, making sure to keep a keen eye out for any photos of Kate Hudson's new boobs, I happened upon a photo of Robin Wright that showcased her without make-up and was alarmed to read that she is next appearing in a movie called THE CONSTIPATOR.

THAT'S A WEIRD NAME FOR A MOVIE. I WONDER IF IT'S ABOUT A WOMAN WHO DRINKS TOO MUCH METAMUCIL, I thought for several seconds before I realized that the movie she is soon to star in is called The ConSPIRator and NOT The ConSTIPator.

Mystery solved.

It's experiences like these that make me wonder why I never pursued a career as a Private Detective. Or some kind of Wise Shaman.