The Cupcake Resolutions

I'm serious this time. As Marjoe is my witness, I vow to be, do, change, stop, cease, start, overhaul, think, marinate, embroider, stop lying about the following in 2010:

1. When I recklessly cut someone off in traffic while I'm talking to my sister on my cell phone about Tiger Woods and the driver I cut off gets all furious at me because I almost caused a five car collision and I CANNOT BELIEVE how tense that driver is and then four blocks later some ASSHOLE swerves in front of me so I almost rear end them and I'm sure I see them TEXTING and think Where Is a SWAT Team Member When You Need One?and I do a Joe Pesci death sneer to that careless driver with the hope that they spontaneously combust because of their selfish STUPIDNESS---It is this hypocritical vortex I hope to put an end to in 2010

2. More Cauliflower, less Chunky Monkey

3. Forget about trying to figure out Alec Baldwin's hair

4. Accept that I do not look good in hats

5. Say I AM SPARTACUS more

Yours in overflowing hope for nicey nice,
Gerard from the Graveyard Shift

Cooper Being Julie Christie In Doctor Zhivago

"Here I am in the snow wearing my mink stole made of snow waiting for Yuri who I fear may have died in a snowstorm," he says, remembering the harsh conditions during filming.

Things Of Which I Am 100% Certain

1. Santa Claus lives at the North Pole
2. Camilla Parker Bowles needs to use more conditioner
3. It takes exactly 2.5 hours for someone to scratch out the eyes of or draw devil horns on the head of any real estate agent that advertises on a bus stop

Saturday SlobberLove

Mister Cupcake and I played a practical joke on Cooper and told him that, next Christmas, we were going to have to get through the holiday season WITHOUT zip lock bags, creamed horseradish and the Charlie Brown Christmas music.

"But I don't understand---aren't those the Three Wise Men?" he said, tilting his head to the ALARMINGLY PERPLEXED AND SLIGHTLY PANICKED position.

Cooper Being a Moray Eel in The Deep

"To get in touch with the ferocious killer in me I simply thought about squirrels, the mail man and what it feels like to pursue what appears to be discarded treasure under the couch only to discover that it is a two week old piece of lettuce," he says, explaining his creative process.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Sometimes I think I should lead Positive Action Plan Workshops or something.

For example, the other day when I was having a particularly stressful day and my head was swimming in unrealistic thoughts like I Wish I Lived On a Farm In Big Sky Country and I Owned a Charming Diner I turned myself around and pulled my rancid thoughts out of the gutter and I thought AT LEAST I'M NOT AT A BOBBY MCFERRIN CONCERT

And that was the ticket out of Awfulville right there.

Swear to Bea Arthur,
Deputy of Mirth (ish)

Sunday Lecture

If you think you are an adult and you can't be bothered with magic and all that horseshit about Santa Claus then RIGHT NOW I want you to put on your happy shoes, sprint to your automobile, drive to the closest market, pick up a quart of Haagen Dazs Dulce De Leche and eat a good portion of it while you watch something intriguing on television---perhaps a documentary or a segment of 60 Minutes or an old musical---and then tell me you do not know what PEACE ON EARTH is.

Keep Your Eyes On The Prize,
Dean of Unsettled Joy

Things I Don't Understand, Items 115 thru 117

115. Grecian style pants with knee length crotches
116. How that movie Regarding Henry with Harrison Ford and Annette Bening makes it seem like its totally great to get shot in the head
117. Yellow shoes

Cooper Being Beyonce

This photo, taken on the set of his latest Lifetime biopic,
"I Told Jay-Z He Looked Like Scooby-Doo," he reminisces about life before everything went straight down the toilet.

"You can take away the sequins and the yachts and the private jets and the gigantic birthday cakes," he says, "But you can't take away my great gams."

The Cupcake Lessons

After years of unrelenting research I have come to accept that we may never know the answers to the following questions:

1. Are the other pyramids jealous of the Great Pyramid and do they talk behind its back?
2. Were Aunt Bea and Gomer engaged in a passionate May-December love affair that involved spatulas in secret places?
3. How can one comfortably work the word "bejeweled" into daily conversation and still remain unflustered?

To Not Know Is To Know---Or Something,
Head Researcher
Committee To Understand Kid Rock's Hairdo

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I'm not sure who is in charge of the terrorist warning level but whoever that person is they need to make sure EVERYONE ON EARTH has a huge CAUTION! sign on their television because right now there is a chance that you will be the unfortunate soul to see the freakish Is This a Saturday Night Live Skit? commercial for Neil Diamond's new album called:

HAVE A VERY MERRY CHERRY CHERRY CHRISTMAS

Which leaves you wondering several things like WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT ABOUT? or WHY TWO CHERRIES---IS ONE NOT ENOUGH? or I NEED BAIL MONEY and if I'm not mistaken that is totally lacking in cozy manger feel, reeeeeeally unfestive and barfy nonwondrous.

Saturday SlobberLove

DO NOT TELL ANYONE THIS but sometimes when I walk down the street I pretend like I'm Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady.

It's true.

Ever since I saw him sing "I've Grown Accustomed To Her Face" when I was five it has stuck with me like how the "What A Feeling" dance from Fame makes an imprint on your brain forever but in a good way.

For over 40 years, almost every time I find myself on a tree lined street I picture Rex Harrison and I picture his TALLNESS and his tweedishness and his classy hat and his elegant gait and I recreate that NUMBER in my head and if I'm feeling particularly showy and I happen to have an umbrella in my hand I wave it around a bit even if people are looking.

And this makes me really happy because when I'm a really old lady I'll remember that I always did this and I'll think Well At Least I Don't Have THAT Regret.

Friday Conclusion

When we lived in Venice, there was a neighborhood guy who had two dogs that riled Cooper to the point of mind boggling hysteria. These were the only dogs Cooper acted like this with and Mister Cupcake and I would bow our heads in shame as we BEGGED Cooper to get a hold of himself and stop making fools of all of us.

The irony is that this man acted as a kind of mentor when we first got Cooper. Before Cooper started expressing himself the way dogs do. He'd glide by our house and ask how Cooper The Pup was doing and often give us advice about crating and feeding and walking and pooping and peeing. Like the Dog Whisperer except with a very thick industry vibe. And all the while, Cooper was not tall enough to see over the ledge on the porch, in order to catch a glimpse of the two dogs this man owns who look like miniature versions of Jabba the Hut. So when Cooper grew taller and was able to look these little fat men in the eyes the first thing he shrieked was WHO ARE THOSE BULBOUS CREATURES WHO HAVE FACES LIKE PETER LORRE?! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE THEM GO AWAY!

Which put the whole group of them off---this man and his dogs.

It got to the point where everywhere we went we'd end up running into them and the man would look at us with that look that people give parents who have children that are melting down and sometimes he'd even yell at Cooper like he was The Elephant Man. We'd see him coming for MILES away. Here they come, we'd say, Quick let's duck into this shoe repair shop.

So, when we moved to Santa Monica one of the things we missed least (aside from the crack dealers and the occasional vomiting pedestrian) was The Taunting Industry Guy and His Two Thug Dogs that turned Cooper into a nut job. At last we were free. Until we met The Unassuming Nice Neighbor Guy and His Two Boxers that drive Cooper completely MAD. He sees these two boxers that look like they might be part giraffe and he turns into Christian Bale. Just very unbecoming. The boxers are coming, we say, Hurry! Cross the street!

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE

Things I Don't Understand, Items 112 thru 114

112. When people eat dinner food at breakfast
113. Why snapping green beans seems to be the primary activity of all actors everywhere who are in plays that involve porches and aprons
114. Miracle Whip

Cooper Being a Reindeer Elf

Here he is seen in a rare photo taken inside Santa's Workshop just prior to the season's First Drop where his famous blue nose is used for night vision.

"I am in Second Position, next to Blixen---a REAL jackass, by the way---and just behind Rudolph who has become unbearably gassy since he stopped his gluten-free diet," he says, seconds before he collapses under the weight of several thousand American Girl dolls that are loaded onto his tiny elf spine.

The Cupcake Lessons

I have been tirelessly working in the laboratory using my Bunsen burner and have proven the following in my controversial Sodium-Free Soup Experiments of 2009.

Current findings:

Things you can eat/slurp that are more delicious than Sodium-Free Soup:
1. Gutter runoff with twigs, sticks and corroded matchsticks
2. Lukewarm evaporated milk with old socks (aka Old Socks Broth)
3. Leftover bathwater

Things you can do rather than eat/slurp Sodium-Free Soup:
1. Go into your bathroom, stand in front of the mirror and say to yourself I WILL NEVER KNOW TRUE HAPPINESS
2. Start watching Wheel Of Fortune in your spare time and then bring it up in conversation at EVERY opportunity but make sure you refer to it as, simply, "Wheel"
3. Wear only beige

Be well, cast your spell,
Inspector Trudy T. Taste

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I'm not telling you how to live your life or anything but if you're gonna hang Christmas lights and you're gonna do it right, at some point during the actual hanging extravaganza, you should have a moment of worry when you think: I WONDER IF WE'RE VIOLATING SOME ZONING PERMIT HERE WITH THIS 67TH STRAND and then quickly follow this thought up with the following question to your spouse: DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN TWO OF THE SPARKLING CRYSTAL SNOWFLAKES BECAUSE THERE'S A SPOT OF NOTHINGNESS ABOVE THE BEDROOM WINDOW AND I'M NOT CERTAIN I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.

Stop calling me a Ho,
Dancer

Saturday Announcement

Sometimes, when you think that those guys on ESPN that sit at that table that appears to be hanging in midair in front of all those screaming lunatics, when you think that maybe they're gonna finally run out of stuff to talk about and shut the hell up for one bazillionth of a millisecond. They don't.

I'm very concerned that these pants make my butt look big,
Rudy "The Ru" Rubin
Reluctant 4th Generation Referee

Friday Conclusion

Many moons ago I went prospecting at Ross and was lucky enough to make a major score in under an hour without losing my mind. It was like I had the Crap Sifter Fairy on my shoulder and I found these amazingly soft and comfortable Juicy Couture velvety sweatpants in an unhideous color that fit great. At first I thought Does This Mean That I Am J-Lo? and then I thought THESE ARE SO COMFY! And even though the Ross price of these Magic Comfy Pants bordered on hateful pricing I swooped them up into my arms, ran past the aromatherapy underwear and Dustbuster key chains at checkout and bought them.

They are now and have been THE FOUNDATION of my weekend wardrobe. My Relaxation Uniform staple. I would wear them to church if I could. If I went to church.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

IF JETHRO TULL EVER DECIDES TO MAKE A COMEBACK I COULD TOTALLY BE THE UNDERSTUDY FOR IAN ANDERSEN ON THE NIGHTS WHEN HE GETS TIRED BECAUSE WHEN I STUFF MY COMFY J-LO SWEATPANTS FROM ROSS INTO MY UGG BOOTS I AM HIS EXACT TWIN. EXCEPT WITHOUT THE FLUTE.

Cooper Being Jeanne Tripplehorn in Waterworld

"Critics panned Kevin Costner and I for having the chemistry of a pair of shoehorns and I can't say I blame them," he says, wincing.

"In the end I just couldn't get past the stringy, bi-level, ponytail Kevin insisted on wearing and it didn't help that, in between takes, he'd pull me aside and nonchalantly ask me if he could borrow about seven million dollars or so."

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Hi. I'm Tofu and here is my To-Do List:

1. Wake up and ooze goo, wonder why I don't have legs
2. Confirm job interview at Thai restaurant
3. Work on idea for Self-Help book, Capitalizing On Unpredictability For Idiots: How To Be Delicious One Day and Revolting the Next
4. Book tickets for the What Does Cheese Have That We Don't? Seminar in Humboldt
5. Purchase helmet in preparation for upcoming meal with unruly 5 year-old

Sunday Encouragement

I had this idea for a blog last night when I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror in HARSH F-ED UP LIGHTING. It would be a kind of Human Portal for all of Humankind, this blog I thought of while gazing into my Grand Canyon sized pores in Satan's Lighting.

What happened was I was getting ready to take a bath and as I waited for the water to become perfect I decided to brush my teeth with my Jetsons Brush, The Sonicare and I stood in front of the mirror in interrogation lighting and I realized that as one mossies forward in years one's skin isn't as gleamy as one is used to and I felt a little blue and I thought I Wonder How Many Other People Have Looked At Their Skin In Crack Addict Lighting and Felt a Little Blue?

Because I was in the nude in my bathroom reeling from the sight of my blotchy self I knew I could not go anywhere for comfort so I just thought of how happy I am, basically, in a through-and-through way and I remembered the look on Mister Cupcake's face when I shared a particularly hilarious and insightful anecdote from my day and to top it all off I thought of the way my niece looks at me when I tell her childhood stories about her mother and me.

And I realized that there should be a blog or Web Library called The Encouragement Blog where people can go and put in their current Sad Thing or Worry Subject or Awful Situation and in return they get little helpful hints from other humans to make them feel less alone.

For example, you could search "Still Hate My Mother After Two Decades Of Therapy" or "Early Onset Crow's Feet" or simply "Constant Slothy Feeling" and VOILA! your search would return a landslide of real encouragement and uplifting ideas to ladle you out of your Depression Crock-Pot and on your merry way. AND while you are toiling about in your day you could be thinking of little scenarios to share, like "Just went on walk with dog and dog wanted to say hi to other dog but couple with other dog was unusually unfriendly and said their dog had not had vaccinations so my dog should stay away and this made me feel full of hatred and like an outcast" THIS IS JUST AN EXAMPLE! but then you just thought Oh Well I Guess They're On a First Date Or Something, She Did Seem Freakishly Intense and this lifted your spirits! VOILA! The Recipe For Happy. You would go share this on the Everyone/Everything Encouragement Blog and make someone else happy.

For my part, every Sunday, I will present a Beleaguered Scenario and then offer some easy suggestions designed to lessen the Beleaguered feeling and in that way add to the Solution instead of the Problem. Excuse me but what we have here is a Win-Win situation all around.

So I got that goin' for me.

Later,
Fritz of the Forlorn

Saturday SlobberLove

I don't want to be so over-the-top in my expression of love and devotion for Green Beans that I lose all credibility but believe me when I tell you that I am just one MILLION percent smitten with those Lanky Ladies.

"Hey! When you get a chance, go ahead and pass the Lanky Ladies down toward this end of the table!" I shriek at Thanksgiving dinner, in a tone filled with equal parts delight, anticipation and fear.

I hope they don't hog them all, I think.

I know I'm blinded by amour but this Thanksgiving when I saw a casserole dish of them with festive ribbons of crunchy stuff appearing to pop out of their yummy heads I swear to god they looked just like Cher in one of her fabulous 70s Bob Mackie outfits and in the moment that I saw them I thought It Doesn't Get Much Better Than This.

Yours in gravy,
Uncle Oven Mitts

Cooper Being a Hopeful Pilgrim

"I hope there are more Once-In-A-Lifetime-Sale-Priced Pottery Barn rugs to destroy in The New World---that would make me EVER SO HAPPY!" he exclaims, licking his chops.

The Cupcake Lessons

Current scientific findings/notes on Lactose Intolerance:

1. Only bad if you like to eat
2. Completely normal to wake up out of a sound sleep, startled by the sonic boom of your own flatulence
3. In order to survive you must now look upon cottage cheese as a Weapon of Mass Destruction
4. Tragically, the popular Dairy-Free label is often code for "tastes like bark"

Boo Hi,
Madame Curie

Things I Find To Be More Relaxing and Peaceful Than the Sound of Really Loud Harley Davidsons

1. Mosh pits
2. 5 AM showers that go ice cold without warning
3. The movie Cujo
4. Adam Lambert's eye liner
5. The sound of shrieking bats clawing at my window

Friday Conclusion

This evening there was a Ground Ginger Debacle in the Cupcake Household which resulted in a sudden and unwanted mad dash to Albertsons by yours truly and on the way home I was fortunate enough to catch Garrison Keillor's, The Writer's Almanac and JUST as he began to read something magnificent by Nadine Gortimer I thought It Is Because Of Moments Like This That I Do Not Feel So Very Alone and he proceeded to read the incredibly perfect way Nadine Gortimer described the worthiness of being a person who tirelessly observes and tries to understand and it was as if he surveyed all the world only to find that one person who could describe my feeling in that moment and as I sat in my car on the dark street outside my house, he went on to read a poem by Christopher Wiseman and it was as if the poet had written it out loud with Garrison listening---he read it so perfectly. With that voice of his. And his perfect cadence. And his occasional profound and poignant sniff.

And I sat there in my car missing everyone I love who I wished could hear what I was hearing and I realized there is just no way to gather it all up and have us all hear what I would like us to hear and so I just have to always continue to LET GO, especially when it feels most impossible. Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF LAST MINUTE PAIN IN THE ASS FRIDAY NIGHT EMERGENCY ROOM-OUTFIT-WEARING ERRANDS TO THE GROCERY STORE

Things I Don't Understand, Items 109 thru 111

109. The extent of the abject horror caused by trying to butter dry, cold toast in a restaurant with pats of butter that are frozen solid
110. Steven Segal's grease quotient
111. When women have small murals painted on their fingernails

Cooper Being People's Sexiest Man Alive

"Come live with me and be my love," he whispers to no one in particular, while lounging on the porch nibbling on what once were his man parts.

Then he orders us to retrieve his "ascot" which is the only way he will now refer to his leash.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

There are some things that are just NOT MEANT to be uttered under the roof of any Whole Foods. Or, just say they ARE uttered, and it was YOU who uttered them because you lost your fool mind for a moment and decided to telegraph to the world: I AM A DWEEB, well then go right on ahead and help yourself to the following phrases:

While standing at that little Sushi Shop: ARE THERE ANY MORE CALIFORNIA ROLLS?

Within earshot of the people standing at the fancy cheese counter: DO YOU CARRY WINDEX?

And the worst one, which I now know carries a $100,000 fine: WHERE'S THE DIET COKE?

Consider yourself warned,
Bernie in Produce

Sunday Share

As the day started to wind down today and I began to experience a mildly incapacitating case of the Sunday Weirds I quickly rummaged around in the Cupcake Pharmacy and was able to prescribe some emergency medication that consisted of a very large sweatshirt, my favorite 90 yr old JCrew sweatpants, a walk with Mister Cupcake and Cooper---followed by a sit session on the porch reading the obituaries, the Travel section and the latest issue of O with Ellen DeGeneres on the cover.

Focusing on how much cosmetic surgery someone else has had is always an effective cure for the Sunday Weirds, however, one must have the appropriate soundtrack if one is to achieve a full and total detour from the God-Help-Me-What-Will-The-Week-Bring anxiety thought spiral.

Sometimes Louis Armstrong is good but there other times when he can be more All Ken Burns Jazz Documentary All The Time and that can conjure images of bar brawls, prostitution and cruelty to mules thus creating upset in Fragile Sunday Time.

Or, sometimes early Van Morrison can act as a balm but then Van starts saying the same phrase over and over 900 million times and you start to wonder why they didn't cast Van Morrison as Sybil instead of Sally Field and this is no good for Fragile Sunday Time.

But if you are lucky enough to listen to your inner fairy and you make the choice of the Dave Brubeck Quartet, with the soothing randomness of the piano and overall jazz-syrup warmth this music exudes, then you can settle in and know, as you read about how to handle being very long waisted, that all will be well and everyone is OK and there is not too much to worry about.

Until about 3:25 in the afternoon next Sunday when the air starts to feel different and the light begins to shift and you realize the weekend has gotten away from you yet again and you ask yourself I Wonder What I Did With That Photo Of Me and Robert, I Must Find It, I Always Meant To Frame It...

Yours In Reluctant Perseverance,
Gordon the Skittish Bull Moose

Friday Conclusion

If I were forced to become a bigamist and marry a condiment I would wed kosher salt on a crisp afternoon in late September, gazing toward Half Dome from Glacier Point, wearing a garland of peonies whilst strumming a ukulele.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 106 thru 108

106. Gigantic white Cadillac Escalades with gold piping
107. Petting Zoos
108. Reba McEntire's psychotically unrelenting spunk

Cooper Being Willem Dafoe in Platoon

"One time. On the set. I punched an innocent key grip in the face for calling me 'William'," he says reminiscing about how he clarified things for "that fool ass face" who mispronounced his name.

"I said 'MY NAME IS WILLEM, ASSHOLE. THAT'S DUTCH, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW AND I STUDIED DRAMA AT THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN-MILWAUKEE SO GO SCREW YOURSELF!' Then I kind of looked at him like he was a piece of poo face lint. I mean, if THAT'S not bravery I don't know what is."

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Today, I read the following heart wrenching headline on Yahoo and I have not been able to stop sobbing since because it is SO SAD. Here. I've cut and pasted the headline so you can read it but first I'll wait for you to go get several decorative boxes of Kleenex...OK. I feel that you are ready. Here goes. Make sure you are sitting down and prepare yourself. Read it and weep:

Vick Not Happy As An Eagles Player

Isn't that the SADDEST thing you've ever read? That poor guy is not happy as an Eagle. I can't say it without tearing up. Well, seeing as I am a TAKE ACTION kind of person I've thought of several things Michael Vick might do to find more fulfillment:

Choice #1: HUMAN SUPPOSITORY FOR RUSH LIMBAUGH'S BUTT

Choice #2: THE PERSON IN CHARGE OF FEEDING DAVID HASSELHOFF HAMBURGERS WHEN HE GOES ON A BENDER

Choice #3: GREAT WHITE SHARK MASSEUSE

Choice #4: JAMIE LEE CURTIS'S PERSONAL TOILET PLUNGER

Yours in hopeful prayer,
Kirk the Continually Perplexed Bloodhound

Saturday SlobberLove

Saturday mornings are filled with joy and happiness in The Cupcake Household and not just because we can linger with our coffee and not worry about whether or not we will have a peaceful, private doodie BEFORE we go to work.

There are also things like Saturday morning walks down to the water and oatmeal and various dreams of organization but the thing we love most about Saturday morning is listening to Ira Glass weave more amazing stories together on This American Life.

"AGAIN! AGAIN! LET'S HEAR IT AGAIN!" yells Cooper, warning me not to breathe one word about those hideous claustrophobic podcasts.

"Oh, don't you worry my little hound. The rebroadcast will be on tomorrow," I reply.

Friday Conclusion

Matthew McConaughey, The Celebrity Who Appears To Be Most Unlike Me, occasionally takes breaks from playing bongos in the nude to walk out to his mailbox in his bathrobe, never forgetting the Number One Rule Of jk livin: HEY PRETTY LADY.

Well, that may not be a rule but jk livin and Matthew are not about rules, man.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 103 thru 105

103. When you hear someone say their own name and it seems like they're pronouncing it wrong
104. Cinnamon bun or strawberry cheesecake scented candles
105. Farfegnugen

Cooper Being a Hand Model

"The hardest part is staying completely still when I have the urge to drag my butt across the rug like I do at home when no one is looking," he says, describing his new career.

The Cupcake Lessons

As you may or may not know, I am a Nobel Prize winning Scientist(ish) and I have recently concluded several vigorous and annoying experiments in the laboratory involving Lonesome Dove, the mini series from the late 80's, and have proven the following:

1. Once the Lonesome Dove train has left the station, if you are not ON that train that has left the station, there is NO WAY to board that train further on down the line.
2. There tend to be TWO TYPES of people. Those who have a deep and abiding love for Lonesome Dove (Dove Lovers) and those who don't (Dove Haters). These two types of people tend to pair up in real life and the Dove Lover spends the rest of their otherwise peaceful union trying in vein to convert the Dove Hater.
3. Although Robert Duvall is a first rate actor, when a person watches Lonesome Dove it is obvious that he very rarely has more than two expressions: WILEY/COWBOY PRANKSTER FEISTY or "GO ON, GIT---GIT OUTTA HERE GOD DAMNIT!" FURIOUS.
4. Tommy Lee Jones is ALL torso.
5. Sometimes when you can't sleep and you think maybe you should take a Tylenol PM you might consider watching Lonesome Dove.

Class dismissed,
Professor Saloon

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Note To Self:

When you go for a run after work in fog as thick as Paula Abdul's bangs, even though you wear just a hint of mascara, you still end up looking like Robert Smith from the Cure or Bette Davis in Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?

Neither of these looks become you.

I'm just saying,
Claudia Q-tip

Saturday SlobberLove

Is there anything more glorious than waking up at 5:14 AM on Saturday and briefly thinking it is Thursday when you have to wear your logo-ed shirt (that you don't have because you're a subversive communist)and go make small talk with people who miss George W. Bush and think Michelle Obama should just stop gardening and then realizing that all you really need to do on this morning is to figure out how to masterfully shmoosh the pillows your husband left on his side of the bed so perfectly that you might not need to move until the next election?

Is there anything more lovely? I don't think so.

Bonjour,
Snoozy Von Snoozerstein

Friday Conclusion

Over the years, Mister Cupcake and I periodically reminisce about the most awful clunker death trap cars we've had. My favorite is the half crushed hideous orange leaky sun roof NO left window brakes that worked sometimes but mostly not VW bug that I had to drive back and forth in El Nino hurricane rain through the San Fernando Valley and his is the "thing that was like a terrible VW Rabbit but worse" with an exploding stick shift that he fixed using a wire hangar and prayer although he is not religious.

You might refer to these two vehicles as REAL BEAUTS.

I think we do this because we like to laugh our fool heads off and then eventually realize that it is a miracle we are both alive before we go gaze into the headlights of our current cars and just feel so much true love and perfect tire pressure and shiny Armor All cleanliness and chains in their own special container pride.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

HAVING A PIECE OF SHIT CAR IN EARLY ADULTHOOD TENDS TO MAKE ONE ESPECIALLY APPRECIATIVE LATER IN LIFE.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 100 thru 102

100. Women who apply mascara in the car
101. 39 year old decorative bottles of olive oil filled with sage
102. The way Glenn Close runs

Cooper Being Snoop Dogg

"Yo. Throw my toy or I'll write another song about your big butt," he threatens.

Then he slinks into the bathroom and braids his hair into the shape of a Coupe De Ville.

Things Of Which I Am 100% Certain

1. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west
2. Marv Albert is slowly morphing into a combination of Herman Munster, Sandy Duncan and Adam Sandler
3. There is never a moment of the day or night when there is not some determined employee somewhere trying to rally other fellow employees to stop being selfish slobs and to start washing they're own goddamn coffee cups.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Whenever I get the slightest bit uppity with myself, like I'm all---I'm so great because I made a donation to KUSC the classical music station or I can fold a fitted sheet with my eyes closed, what is every one's problem? or I wonder if there is anyone more proficient at bath water to bubble bath ratio than me---I seriously doubt it or You know I really should have pursued my dream of becoming a ballerina because I am still VERY graceful---when I am tooting my own horn like this, I have to have a little side bar with myself that goes something along these lines:

DON'T FORGET, ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS IS KEEP THE FIRE BY KENNY LOGGINS AND WHENEVER YOU HEAR IT YOU GET ALL CHOKED UP LIKE HOW KATHY LEE GIFFORD GETS WHEN SHE BLATHERS ON ABOUT CODY AND CASSIDY AND THEN THERE IS THAT SMALL ISSUE OF EARTH, WIND AND FIRE'S REASONS BUT I THINK YOU'VE REALIZED YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS AT THIS POINT, HAVEN'T YOU?

Later gator,
Denny from Shop Class

Sunday Share

The thing about grief:

On a day that is such a wonderful day---when the afternoon air is crisp, like how I imagine Happy to be and things go swimmingly in such a way that I wonder what on earth I did to have such a lovely life---it is on a day such as this that my heart is heaviest and feels abundant grief-cloaked thoughts that fall under the IF ONLY category of wishful thinking.

If only my dad could have seen our view from the porch.

If only my dad could have tasted this coffee from this cup from this place just blocks down from our front door, so near to the ocean.

If only my dad were here to give me the real lowdown on which pitch was proper in the Sixth game of the furious series that that survivor Scioscia was in charge of.

If only I could join that strong optimistic group of grown up people who know and embrace and realize that there are no If Only's when it comes to death---especially the death of an old, ailing man.

If only the time passing made it sweeter and lighter and not just one more great day that he wasn't here.

Gloomily Yours,
Berefty Berefterson
Bereft Town, USA

Saturday SlobberLove

I love Tone soap SO MUCH, it's unnatural.

Dear Tone soap,

I love you with all my heart and soul.

Forever,
Cupcake

Friday Conclusion

Recently, I was feverishly looking online for a dining room table for our new residence, kind of like how Tony Robbins looks for stadiums to hold his seminars---this is how determined and pumped up I was. I Want a New! Table To Go With Our New! Place In Our New! Neighborhood---this was the fantastic fuel LURCHING my engine forward and making me all happy inside. And as I scrolled and clicked and drooled and became more aware of how awful my posture is at the computer I realized: Our new table will be ROUND and this ROUND table will be a celebration of the fact that we no longer live on an alley and this ROUND FREEDOM FROM ALLEY CELEBRATION TABLE was for sale at Anthropologie and we must purchase it even if it means we will be homeless in our retirement.

What a very glorious and ingenious and life-affirming plan I have manifested. I must share this plan with Mister Cupcake immediately, I thought.

But Mister Cupcake was not on board with the FREEDOM ROUND TABLE plan at all. Not only was Mister Cupcake unimpressed with the gorgeous word work on the base of the table, Mister Cupcake seemed to be psychotically focused on only the COST of the ALLEY BE GONE FREEDOM TABLE and then proclaimed the following:

"People buying tables at Anthropologie is not us."

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

MISTER CUPCAKE NEEDS TO RE-EXAMINE THE KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE AND THEN HE NEEDS TO ATTEND A WORKSHOP ON GRAMMAR AT THE LEARNING ANNEX

Yours In Tragic Regret,
Sebastian Hollingsworth III, the Intricately Carved Round Pedestal Table

Things I Don't Understand, Items 97 thru 99

97. Athletes who wear extremely bulky jewelry
98. When people talk baby talk to old people
99. How anyone, in good conscience, can call Country Bear Jamboree at Disneyland a Family Attraction when we all know it is a Horror-Filled Nightmare Ride Into the Bowels of Hell

Cooper Being the Dr. Doolittle of the Plant World

Here he is seen conversing with a potted plant, suffering from clinical depression due to a terrible gnat infestation.

"You have more strength in ONE of your leaves than an entire swarm of those revolting aphids put together," he advises, with Maya Angelou-like wisdom, "YOU WILL RISE AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND YOU ARE A PHENOMENAL PLANT SO DON'T FORGET THAT YOU IDIOT."

Then he recommends some quiet time and perhaps a couple three or four or 30 sips from a martini to lift the spirits a bit.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

If I drink Twinings Irish Breakfast tea in the evening will Bono and The Edge come to my house and give me a lecture about personal responsibility and how to use long leather coats as a way to say "Hey! Eff OFF!" to The Man or will I just need to pay a small fine?
---Cowering in the Corner in Cooter

Dear Corner,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If I had to choose one celebrity that appears to be THE MOST unlike me in every way imaginable I think that celebrity would be Matthew McConaughey.

I'm not talking about the obvious differences like gender and the fact that he takes long jogs with his dog OFF leash---those are pretty obvious and clear. I'm talking about overall beingness.

Like, I would never in a million years---even if you gave me a hundred dollar gift certificate to Trader Joe's---get really high and run around my house in the nude playing the bongos. It would just NEVER occur to me to do this.

And I would never go barefoot as much as Matthew or sustain that slurry-Hey Sexy Lady-speech thing he does that telegraphs---CONSTANTLY NUDE AND CONFIDENT EVEN WHEN I'M NOT PLAYING BONGOS, HIGH.

Also, I'm not sure Matthew can read although I am an avid reader. I saw him on Larry King the other night with Sanjay Gupta and I am certain that Matthew got confused when Larry and Sanjay used big words like "suspenders" or "okay" and when this happened Matthew switched the subject real fast to his clothing line jk livin(difference #45 I'd never have a clothing line but just say I was forced to I would not use ALL lower case letters for the brand name) and then he recommended to Larry that he improve his posture by dancing around the house nude, playing bongos, really high.

Don't hate me because I'm hateful,
Bert the Resentful Salmon

Saturday SlobberLove

Due to a half dozen million bizarro events that my childhood was slathered with it is probably no surprise to anyone who spends more than one hour with me that I have a tendency to worry and fret. One might classify me as neurotic and kind of annoying but those who know and love me might classify me as REALLY organized, kind of bossy and overly nice to people who are not getting a fair shake. All this to say, I feel 100% safe around not too many people. I married one of them but this was after an interview process that lasted several years and had some of the same techniques as, say, The Spanish Inquisition---however! it seems as though I triumphed because Mister Cupcake is just about the most fearless, easy going, assuring person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and usually he is the guy who talks The Cupcake out of her tree should she shimmy up it for fear of this or that or you or him or them or those. Or sometimes he reminds The Cupcake that life is not meant to be lived in the bathtub which is sage, crucial advice at times.

Above, you will see a photo of me when I am interacting with a person who, although I would not marry (probably), I do feel incredibly safe with---EVEN THOUGH SHE IS A TOTAL STRANGER AND I HAVE NOT HAD SEVERAL YEARS TO PUT HER THROUGH MY RIGOROUS SCREENING PROCESS. There is no need to screen her or interview her. One look at her uniform and you know: PARK RANGER. And when you're talkin' Park Ranger, you're talkin' CARING, KNOWLEDGEABLE, LOVER OF NATURE, OPEN TO ANY AND ALL QUESTIONS, PATIENT, KIND AND OVERALL A LOVELY INDIVIDUAL.

Today I am sending out SlobberLove and appreciation to all those Park Rangers who make the world a better place and who, in ALL of my interactions with, have made this Cupcake feel a little more at ease.

As you were,
General of Hope

Friday Conclusion

I have journeyed through the Nazi-sponsored land of Krups, traversed the highbrow hills of Cuisinart, suffered through a dank and industrial Black and Decker summer, entertained---for one brief second---utilizing a cartoonish Bunn but decided against it and am now standing before you to tell you that I may not know what the hell they're talking about when they ask INTERNAL-REVENUE-SERVICE-SERIOUSLY whether or not you have CONE or FLAT but I do know one thing and that one thing is that:

ALL ROADS LEAD BACK TO MR. COFFEE

Yours in proper measurement,
Rich and Bold,
(the unusually muscular Coffee twins)

Things I Don't Understand, Items 94 thru 96

94. Hugh Hefner
95. When people say "If you will" or "What have you" after every sentence
96. Why someone hasn't given Glenn Beck a cement enema yet

Cooper Being Pamela Anderson on Baywatch

Although beach season has ended, this dedicated lifeguard still has tasks to tend to and lives to save.

"The other day I used my enormous bouncing mammaries to break up a small riot that broke out in front of the Ugly BeachTowel Boutique" he says with great pride.

Then he buries his snout in the sand in an attempt to root out a month old piece of hot dog that a toddler must have dropped.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

There are times when my husband and I listen to our iPod shuffle and it is perfectly clear who contributed which song. Like, if Holiday In Cambodia by Dead Kennedys comes on we know for certain that my husband is responsible for the joy this song brings into our lives. Or if Tupelo Honey by Van Morrison is playing one could say without hesitation that I brought this tune to the table and we rejoice in our collaborative genius until such time as that celebration comes to a screeching halt because S'Wonderful by George Gershwin comes on and then a pall falls over the household because there is only one of us who thinks this song is ESSENTIAL TO A FULL LIFE. Do you think there is a way for one of us to claim the Mayor of Tunes title or should we just continue to poo poo the other for their pathetic attachment to Kate Bush?
---Up To Our Asses In Opinions In Orlando

Dear Opinions,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Just so you know, the following may occur if you take the latest whatchamathingy pill that is supposed to make you feel better than crapped out shitness. I think it's called Sanscrapilex:

1. Your head may rotate 360 degrees when you use the words "casserole", "no" or "low-foam latte"
2. You might have severe bloating, nausea and vertigo that last well into next Spring
3. Thoughts of suicide, homicide, patricide, mothicide, Victoria Beckhamicide could persist for days on end with no let up
4. In the morning, it is possible that your knees won't work
5. When stopped at any traffic signal there is a remote chance that your butt will pop off and you'll be unable to ask anyone for help because you might lose the ability to speak periodically
6. Maybe you'll be filled with self-loathing so severe that you will attempt to run yourself over with your own car
7. You might experience occasional spontaneous exploding acne
8. When you see the colors taupe, yellow or burnt sienna, it is kind of likely that your abdomen will burst
9. Every so often a colony of bees will build a hive in your nose
10.Your dexterity will be for the most part similar to a paralyzed goldfish

Other than that, you're gonna feel GREAT.

Sincerely,
Dr. G. Biloba

Cooper's Expression After I Told Him I Needed To Make Another Trip To Cost Plus World Market To Look For a Nice Wicker Basket

"At this point I just don't know what to say," he says, with a stricken look on his face, "I mean, I think it's pretty obvious you have a problem."

When I explain to him that the wicker basket or possibly basketS will be used to hold the blankets that he often spends entire evenings snoozing under he continues to stare at me, as if I just informed him that I am a Birther.

"Um, have you ever thought of checking your current Wicker Basket Collection before you purchase yet another home furnishing accessory? They have meetings for people like you, you know."

Saturday SlobberLove

Five Things That Make Me So Happy I Could Plotz:

1. Great natural light in a house
2. Ice Cream Drumsticks
3. The Automobile Club
4. Index Cards
5. Using all 7 letters in one Scrabble turn

Things I Don't Understand, Items 91 thru 93

91. When someone eats soup or oatmeal with a teaspoon
92. The Baby Whisperer
93. Boyfriend jeans

Cooper Being Diane Keaton in Looking For Mr. Goodbar

"Two things I DO NOT miss about filming that movie," he says, sounding bitter, "The middle part in my hair and the numb shins I'd get from sitting on a bar stool for 9 hours with nowhere to rest my feet."

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Did I have or am I currently having an affair with David Letterman and, if so, is there someone I should be suing?
---Crossing My Fingers and Toes in El Paso

Dear Toes,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Mister Cupcake, Cooper and I moved this weekend and at one point I was carrying a lamp in my right hand, clinging to some Christmas wrapping paper with my left armpit, balancing two baseball caps and a cowboy hat on my head as well as lugging a 600 pound backpack filled with hooks and frames and candles and maybe a hammer or two and I realized that moving is exactly like cooking Thanksgiving dinner. You plan and you list and you strategize and you decide what pot the peas will go in and which ladle will go with the gravy way in advance and you plot every move as if you were overtaking a small country and then in the last twenty minutes ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE and you scratch and claw and fight just to stay alive.

And this is all BEFORE you're forced to deal with unending hideous realities such as how you've accumulated so many extension cords and whether or not to drag your ass to Target to get another roll of contact paper.

Over and out,
Inventor of the question, "Where did you put the tape?"

Friday Confession

Sometimes, when I'm having a bad day, it helps if I think of the people who work at Hot Dog On a Stick and the uniforms they have to wear and before I know it I buck up and realize how good I have it.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 88 thru 90

88. Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio's performance in A Perfect Storm
89. Amish-style facial hair
90. Sawdust on restaurant floors

Cooper Being Katherine Heigl

Sometimes we have to call a locksmith in order to open the bathroom door because he spends hours staring at himself in the mirror gazing into his own eyes and commenting on his timeless beauty.

"Oh go screw yourselves!" he barks, when we beg him to spend two minutes talking about anything other than his 7 For All Mankind jean collection. "If you were this fresh faced and gorgeous you'd do the same thing."

Then he orders us to go get him another pack of American Spirits.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I'm confused that Sarah Palin's new book is called Going Rogue instead of:

Thinking With My Ass and Talking Out My Butt
or
My Hair Is Never Not Like This

Do you think she came up with her title on her own without running it by her pals at the consignment shop and, if so, do you think I could help by contacting her editor with my suggestions?
---Dry Heaving In Downey

Dear Heaving,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

How to be more pioneer-like than cosmopolitan:

1. Go to Bed, Bath and Beyond
2. As you roam the gargantuan Canyonlands National Park aisles think to yourself: Bed, Bath and Beyond the Planet of the Apes is more like it and then giggle to yourself as you stand amongst so many shoe trees, crock pots and upsetting pieces of art
3. Pack nourishment and journey your way back to the check out line, grasping your only purchase: a toilet brush

After You,
Nanette the Erstwhile Browser

Friday Conclusion

Just because my hiking shoes are called North Face Hedgehogs doesn't mean I have to take it personally.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 88 thru 90

88. When people say an infant is flirting
89. the Potent Potables category in Jeopardy
90. Helena Bonham Carter's wardrobe

Cooper Being Fearful Of Tom DeLay On Dancing with the Stars

We made the mistake of NOT turning the channel when Rachel Madow showed the footage of Tom Delay on Dancing with the Stars and this had a profoundly negative impact on Cooper.

"Is it because I constantly hound you to throw my toys? Is that why you made me watch that awful dancing congressman?" he asks, "Is it because you hate me?"

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Is there anything more crunchalicious than a gherkin?
---Crippled With Curiosity in Concord

Dear Crippled,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Recipe

Depresso Zombie Day Ingredients:

11 boxes Kleenex
56 cups, ghostly "where's the outside world?" thoughts
9 tons Food Network Channel
2 boxes Tylenol Cold
890 glasses of water

Some days just go straight into the crapper.

Sincerely,
Professor Clog

Saturday Announcement (PLEASE READ)

I apologize in advance for those of you who will get upset after reading this post as I have not been able to find the right words to make this announcement. Even two days after I was first made aware of what I am about to tell you I am still reeling from concern.

On Thursday September 17, 2009 I had a sinking feeling in my chest for most of the morning, afternoon and evening. When I sat down at my computer that night I read the following headline on MSN.com (Warning: the following sentence has graphic language) ---

BEYONCE CONCERT UPSETS SURI

I did not know what to do when I read this. I awoke the next morning, not remembering what had happened after I read this news because apparently I passed out. I am hoping Suri has recovered although I am not certain. I cannot bring myself to read the newspaper for fear of discovering more awfulness.

Peace be with you,
Kurt the Flatulent Tabby

Friday Conclusion

On our evening walk yesterday, Cooper, Mister Cupcake and I passed several young women sitting on the front stoop of a house and one of the girls had a pair of low cut skin tight jeans on that had the attractive sausage look that is all the rage these days and her butt was kind of poofing out the back like two marshmallows squishing out a tube of toothpaste.

"I wonder what you call it when a woman has plumber's butt---maid's butt?" Mister Cupcake asked, astutely.

"No. Plumbers aren't really the equivalent of maids." I said, intrigued.

We both agreed that we had never heard the term Plumber's Butt applied to a woman but if there were such a term it would frequently come in handy.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

MISTER CUPCAKE AND I ARE BECOMING LINGUISTS.

Au Revoir,
Bobo the Mule

Things I Don't Understand, Items 85 thru 87

85. The expression "My bad"
86. Sanka
87. Unruly cleavage in the workplace

Cooper Being Kathy Bates in Misery

"GET YOUR ASSES BACK HERE AND FINISH CHAPTER 9 THOUSAND!" he screams, wielding a mallet.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

Sometimes when I am driving to work I listen to a particularly rousing or hopeful or beautiful or melodious piece of music that kind of matches the morning sky and when I happen upon this musical stew I BLAST this music so loud I'm certain my dead, deaf father will hear it and as I drive into the parking garage I quickly turn all the lovely shenanigans waaaaay down for fear that everyone will know how much fun I'm actually having. Does this mean I am mentally ill or am I just a big goober?
---Frail From Fret in Flagstaff

Dear Frail,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If you're trying to avoid sugar you need to follow this fool proof plan. It is a very difficult plan that requires so much wherewithal even the Von Trapp family said it was fucking impossible. Regardless, here are the steps you need to follow if you want to wrangle your sugar tooth to the ground once and for all:

Step Number One:
Wake up in the morning, EVERY MORNING and say to yourself TODAY I AM NOT GOING TO EAT SUGARY SWEETS AS I AM WONT TO DO.

Step Number Two:
Go to work and have your yummy Lemon Luna Bar for breakfast being mindful of the proverb in the bible about eating little meals every 4 seconds or so.

Step Number Three:
Have a healthy lunch and return to your office feeling sated yet slightly mournful until one of your co-workers appears in your doorway like a vision asking you if you would prefer cherry pie or lemon meringue pie should he run across the street to Marie Callender's.

Step Number Four:
Yell "I'D HAVE LEMON MERINGUE IF YOU GOT PIE!" at the top of your lungs and toss a couple dollar bills toward the Magical Errand Pie Person.

Step Number Five:
Run to make yourself a cup of Earl Grey to accompany your pie and Start over with Step Number One tomorrow morning.

Godspeed,
Professor Ponch

Things That Frighten Me More Than Bears, Item Numero Uno

Serena Williams when she gets all James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano furious bully MAD.

She scary.

Friday Conclusion

When two or more people are gathered, there will be failed consensus when the following query is uttered:

HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE AYN RAND'S NAME?

Yours In Futile Debate,
Lieutenant Sass

Cooper Being Scott Hamilton

This photo, taken moments before he hit the ice to perform his zany hobo/clown/Jerry Lewis/psychotic carnival guy routine, captured the rarely seen seriousness that made Scott the champion he was.

"I loved that little green warm up jacket," he says, remembering how chilly he used to get in the ice rink.

"Not many people realize this but when you have short legs and you're that close to the ice it isn't uncommon for your entire tummy to go numb. You try doing a Triple Sow-Cow in those conditions."

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

My husband and I are very concerned about President Obama's upcoming education speech. Even though we don't have children, will we still be forced to become communists and wear ill-fitting drab clothing or will we just need to wear our hair in bowl cut style?
---Cross-Eyed With Concern In Kickapoo

Dear Cross-Eyed,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

When you're walking down Main Street and you see a really drunk guy with one leg of his soiled-ish Levi's rolled up and he is talking to himself and laughing HIS ASS OFF one moment and then arguing with himself in the window of the Oliver Peoples eye wear place the next and as you walk by he gets semi-belligerent and over friendly in that way that telegraphs: CHANCE OF VOMIT and then he says really loudly "YOUR DOG IS GAY" and you keep on uh-scurrying and he retorts "I'M NOT GAY BUT YOUR DOG IS" and he kind of stands there like a piece of wheat blowing in the wind all swervy and bendy....when this happens with this guy...it is wise to not make eye contact and not sniff IN as you pass him.

Keep up the good work,
Sergeant Snark

Cooper Being a Yoga Instructor

Here he is seen demonstrating his world famous (patent-pending) Sleepy Pony Pose which, when translated from Sanskrit, roughly means On Labor Day Weekend We Are Giving Thanks To Saul Alinsky and We Are Doing Much Dozing.

"If you are not drooling, you are not holding the pose properly," he advises.

.

Friday Conclusion

Two scallions are better than one.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 82 thru 84

82. What makes someone want to do the shot put
83. Pastel eye shadow
84. Sammy Hagar (obviously)

Cooper Being Rachel Ray's Taste Tester

"E.V.O.O. whatever," he says, retching.

"I've tasted carpet that had better flavor than this."

The Cupcake Lessons

Today was chock full of learning. For instance:

This evening, Mister Cupcake and I were tooling about our lovely cottage near the beach (that sits on a noisy alley but I digress) and it just so happened that we ended up tuning into a movie called The Last of the Dog Men starring a brooding, poofy haired Tom Berenger and an alarmingly stick legged, big hat wearing Barbara Hershey.

After having this movie on for about a half hour or so and admiring the vast beauty of the sweeping landscape Mister Cupcake asked, "I wonder why there are no mountain men anymore."

"I'm a mountain man," I said.

"And I'm a mountain man too," added Cooper.

Then the two of us built a fire in the living room and roasted the small carcass of a squirel Cooper had been hunting for the better part of his canine life.

I guess you never really know the ones you love, even if you spend all your live long days with them.

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Bumper Sticker Analysis:

#1:
Fun-loving, nice person who probably plays a mean game of charades:

DON'T TAILGATE ME
OR I'LL FLICK A BOOGAR ON YOUR WINDSHIELD


#2:
Staunch Pat Robertson devotee who wears pantyhose in the tub:

WHERE WOULD YOU BE
IF YOUR MOM BELIEVED IN ABORTION?


Toodle Loo,
Cowpoke Connie

Friday Conclusion

Over the years I've accumulated special sentences that I find poignant, encouraging, validating and interesting. One of these sentences is from Pema Chodron, the Buddhist nun and it goes like this:

WELCOME THE PRESENT MOMENT AS IF YOU HAD INVITED IT.

When I read this sentence I think of the time in the 1980s when I finally got tickets to see Phantom of the Opera with Michael Crawford and right before the curtain rose a voice came booming over the loud speaker announcing that instead of Michael Crawford performing the role of the Phantom that evening (who the hell else was there?)---Robert Guillaume from the TV show Benson would be performing instead.

Benson would be playing The Phantom. How does one welcome a moment like that?

The gasp that filled the Ahmanson that night still haunts me as well as the sound of my hunched over mother muttering "Benson? We're seeing Benson do Phantom? How is this happening?" every couple of minutes.

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

WHEN BAD SITCOM ACTORS ARE INVOLVED, SPIRITUAL TEACHINGS LOSE THEIR OOMPH

Cheerio,
Biff the Agitated Usher

Things I Don't Understand, Items 79 thru 81

79. Clove cigarettes
80. The NRA
81. Why shoe horns never caught on

Cooper Being Ben Cross in Chariots of Fire

"Do you have any idea how much sand went up my nose filming those running scenes?" he asks, when we wax romantic about that movie and the slow motion and the theme song.

"TO THIS DAY I have terrible sinus problems from a piece of algae that remains lodged in my left nostril," he says.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I'm terrified about what will happen when and if the coverage about Michael Jackson's death ends. What do you think will be on television when this happens? Will elevators and traffic lights still work? Will all of it just stop, without a peep from Marlon or Blanket or the Neverland Ranch plant sculptors? I've tried to get answers to these questions from my friends and family but they tell me I'm crazy and to stop worrying because the coverage about Michael Jackson's death will never end...EVER. Do you think they're right or should I prepare myself for life without Continuous, Breaking, Exclusive, Latest and Never Before Seen Michael Jackson coverage?
---Mixed Up and Drooling In Fort Ord

Dear Drooling,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Things I Like More Than Karl Rove

1. Assembling furniture from IKEA with only my feet
2. Open casket funerals
3. Pollution flavored Snapple
4. Being stuck in an elevator with Siegfried, Roy and their unpredictable tiger
5. Doing the Running Of The Bulls on a Pogo stick

Saturday Survey

IMPERATIVES:

Wheat Thins or Wheatables?

Cheese Nips or Cheez-Its?

Vanity Fair or Newsweek? (oops wrong survey)

Drops or Dots?

Mango or White Nectarine?

Peppermint Patties or Junior Mints?

Baskin Robbins or Cold Stone?

Eudora Welty or Flannery O'Connor? (oops wrong survey)

Pringles or Baked Lays?

Life is a series of choices,
Dierdre Dippman
Semi Best Selling Author, Gone Snackin'! and Give Me Kettle Corn or Give Me Death

Friday Conclusion

Maybe it's because I grew up with a mother who had the manipulative prowess of Scarlett O'Hara on crack but when I hear someone in a meeting say "To be honest" I immediately think: BIG FAT LIAR.

And then that happened,
Cissy the Wall-Eyed Rhino

Things I Don't Understand, Items 76 thru 78

76. Neighborhood houses that REEK of garlic and sides of beef frying no matter what time of day you walk past
77. Why Jelly Belly jelly beans aren't more accurately called Armpit Beans
78. People that go "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" all the time

Cooper Being Bindi Irwin

"I like cherry soda pop, The Jonas Brothers and strangling 90 foot pythons with my pigtails," he says, not minding the Howler monkeys nibbling at his ankles.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

My husband and I consider ourselves to be very compassionate, open-minded members of society and, needless to say, we DO NOT believe in these so called Death Panels all the churlish white people are yelling about at Town Hall meetings. We are members of the local Soup For Sinners Charity and often make hefty contributions to Unicef in order to get those cute little cards that look like someone was drunk when they drew them. We aren't the all time best recyclers and I do use aerosol hairspray but OVERALL we are good, kind people and recently we were brainstorming (the way well-rounded, civilized, bright people tend to do) and we were wondering if you are aware of the existence of a Death Panel Suggestion Box or something along those lines, if you will. Do you think it would be possible for us to submit a coupla three or five or ten names or so?
---Tense As All Get Out In Tulsa

Dear Tense,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Confession

There is a scene at the end of the movie Endless Love where Brooke Shields is walking across a youth detention center parking lot with the wind in her hair looking rather hopeful and you realize---Wow. After all the drama and the awfulness she still loves him. She still is true to him and is willing to endure whatever hardship loving him may cause. I GUESS THEIR LOVE REALLY IS ENDLESS.

That could totally be me in that scene because even though they can give me terrible stomach aches and awful gas, that's exactly how I feel about garbanzo beans.

Things I Don't Understand, Items 73 thru 75

73. Thomas Kincade paintings
74. What happened to Ted Nugent to make him that way
75. Laughter Yoga

Cooper Being Eminem

Since finishing his latest album Color Me Furious he has been impossible to live with---bossing us around and threatening us if we don't act like we're his servants.

"It is not our fault you chose to do Porgy and Bess set to rap," we say, in our defense.

He just brandishes a sharp weapon and accuses us of ruining his puffy jacket by putting it in the dryer.

"DAWGS: I WILL CUT YOU!" he yells.

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

My husband recently took a Post-It note, wrote the letter "B" in magic marker on it and then put this over the "H" on a very large Hummer that is parked in his work parking lot so that the word HUMMER became the word BUMMER.

My question to you is do you think that this now qualifies him as a reckless vandal or do you think he should have used several more Post-It notes in order to spell out T-E-E-N-S-Y-W-E-I-N-E-R on the hood of this Hummer?
---Concerned Posse of Two

Dear Posse,
No.
Good luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Sometimes when I want to stretch my math muscle I put on this pair of 400 year old Victoria's Secret grey pajama bottom/sweatpants I have with a pinkish Ajax bleach stain on one leg along with a baggy t-shirt that says "ALIVE" on it in red and yellow letters and I put my hair in a ponytail and stuff it under my favorite blue baseball cap making it appear that I am bald and I go to Whole Foods or CVS or Home Depot and I count the number of times I get called Ma'am.

I like that I make it a game. It's fun. And I learn, because I'm counting to at least a thousand hundred million.

Buoy Up,
Tube Sock Tillie

Name = Odd

Craig Beaglehole

It's true. I read it in the Image section of the LA Times.

While Mister Beaglehole spends his time analyzing how or if $3.99 lipstick from Rite-Aid can ruin a gal's image I'm thinking he needs a stylist to tend to that name of his because what we have there is an alarming lack of elegance.

Sincerely,
Leader of the Cowl Neck Sweaters Are Never Okay Movement

Things I Don't Understand, Items 70 thru 72

70. Drum solos
71. Why, when I drop the back of my earring, it ends up 45 feet away under a piece of furniture
72. Kenny G

Cooper Being Abe Vigoda in The Godfather

Here he is seen preparing for his scene with Robert Duvall.

"Oy gevalt, that day," he says, remembering the pain of being a method actor.

"That nincompoop Bobby Duvall was so serious about showing me who was boss he followed me around all morning karate chopping me in the back of the neck. I think that's when I developed my slouch," he laments.

Things Of Which I Am 100% Certain

1. Cow tipping is cruel
2. kd lange likes herself some ladies
3. There is never a moment of the day or night when the parking lot of Trader Joes is not a three ring circus

Monday Judgements and Warnings

I'm starting a new business and the new business will be a consulting firm with the sole purpose of helping other business owners choose a name for their store or shop. Sadly, I am too late in coming to the aid of the following merchants:

SPUDNUT DONUTS

DRESS BARN

THREE DRUNKEN GOATS RESTAURANT

Hold please,
Gordon the Hateful Customer Care Specialist

Cooper Being Faye Dunaway in Bonnie and Clyde

Somewhere between Lone Pine and Lee Vining he became a gun wielding hooligan--- cursing, carousing and drinking more booze than Lee Marvin in Paint Your Wagon, all the while wearing a gorgeous tea length skirt and fishnet hose.

When we expressed concern about his fugitive behavior he only sneered and stuffed another paw-full of chewing tobacco in his jowls.

"You never saw nobody shoot up nothin' before?" he asked.

Then he ordered us to shut our sissy faces, get in the car and drive.

Friday Conclusion

Forcing myself to choose the clothing, shoes, hats, magazines, underwear, socks, pens, shampoo, snacks, bras, sweaters, books and tweezers I will take on an eight-day road trip makes me feel:

NAUSEATED
WISTFUL FOR ALL THE SCARVES I WON'T WEAR THAT I AM LEAVING BEHIND
LIKE AN AMALGAM OF FRANCES FARMER AND IMELDA MARCOS

Keep On Truckin,
President of Toiletry

Things I Don't Understand, Items 67 thru 69

67. Fur covered steering wheels
68. The size of Marcia Cross's forehead
69. How previous generations managed to survive the predatory menace that is gluten

Cooper Being On Match.com

He's been on 37 dates in the last week although has had no luck in meeting Mrs. Right.

"My last date was with a bow legged Besenji who couldn't stop rolling around on top of every dead snail she saw," he says, "Let's just say I haven't had any love connections."

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,
Sometimes when my husband and I go camping I worry that bears will eat us. I know this is silly but I was thinking that a good way to ensure our safety would be to take along Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III because he scares the crap out of me and I'm thinking he'll have the same effect on the bears. (See attached photo; he's fucking scary.)

Do you think this is a smart idea and, if so, do you think we should hide Senator Sessions in our tent as a decoy OR should we be proactive and tell him the bears have been overheard referring to themselves as Wise Latinas and then just cut the mad man loose?
---All Clogged Up With Concern In Lompoc

Dear Clogged,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Monday Judgements and Warnings

If you're unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse of Stretch Face Liza Minnelli on T.V. before you drift off to sleep, make sure you do not,
I REPEAT---DO NOT, dwell on the fact that she looks to have had so many face lifts that her chin is actually her elbow. DO NOT DO THIS.

It is none of your concern which facial features are which on her MORPHINE DERIVATIVE GREAT GAMS BOOZER CHESHIRE GRIN face, so just stop thinking about it and focus on Carrot Top instead if you have to.

We must ALL stick together in this,
Sergeant Claude H. Hopper

Sunday Discovery

Little did I know that today would be the day that my heart would open larger and I would develop more compassion for my fellow man.

It's true.

I used to think that anyone who chose to drink Diet Coke was mentally ill.

I used to look at them, guzzling their Andy Gump flavored beverage and secretly question their judgement.

But today I had an INEXPLICABLE craving for it. I don't know why or how or what the hell happened. All I know is I had to have it, went to Smart and Final and bought it, brought it home and drank it and discovered what all the bloated fuss is about:

DIET COKE LEAVES A SOAPY/BATTERY TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH WHILE AT THE SAME TIME SENDING A MESSAGE TO YOUR BRAIN THAT THE ONLY THING THAT WILL GET RID OF THE SOAPY/BATTERY TASTE IS MORE DIET COKE

THAT is why there are so many 10 AM Diet Coke Drinking Junkies so now instead of thinking--- I bet they don't realize that soda has more salt than a roast pork ---I will look at them with great compassion and maybe offer them a piece of delicious Wintermint Orbit gum.

Sincerely,
Parchy Parcherson
Parchtown USA

Friday Conclusion

Today I received an email that was the equivalent of having a squad of cheerleaders barge into my office and make a doodie on my desk.

Here is a sampling of tidbits from this email, which I now think of as my arch enemy:
TEAM!
:)
FYI
AWESOME!
;)
When a person hears their own name IT IS LIKE MUSIC TO THEM!!
You guys ROCK!
!!!

Which brings me to Friday's Conclusion:

EVEN THOUGH EXCLAMATION POINTS TRY TO BE CHEERY---GENERALLY, THEY WHORE THINGS UP

Love Me, Love My Pom-Poms,
Barbie Farkleman

Things I Don't Understand, Items 64 thru 66

64. The romantic allure of Snoop Dogg
65. Why men are lacking the gene that enables a human being to properly close Tupperware containers and Zip-Lock bags
66. Porridge

Cooper Being Matt Damon in The Bourne Identity

In this shot, he contemplates a life on the run and how he will survive with just one medium sized satchel.

Things I Like More Than Sarah Palin

1. Bunions that require surgery
2. Termites in my ears
3. Fluorescent lighting
4. The painful bloated feeling I get after eating too many grapes
5. Hand-Me-Downs from Fidel Castro

Monday Judgements and Warnings

Example of a Zen Koan that you'd read in a book that has lots of pictures of bamboo and wise fish in it:

WHAT IS THE SOUND OF ONE HAND CLAPPING?

Example of a Zen Koan you'd read in a book that has pictures of sad, sweaty people pulling out their own hair:

CLAW THE FIRST CLOROX WIPE FROM THE CONTAINER.

Yours In Lemony Scentedness,
The Destroyer

Friday Conclusion

IT IS BETTER TO BE LESS LIKE CONCRETE AND MORE LIKE JELLO

Pensively Yours,
Dot the Doubting Dynamo

Friday Conclusion

When we lived in Venice, there was a neighborhood guy who had two dogs that riled Cooper to the point of mind boggling hysteria. These were the only dogs Cooper acted like this with and Mister Cupcake and I would bow our heads in shame as we BEGGED Cooper to get a hold of himself and stop making fools of all of us.

The irony is that this man acted as a kind of mentor when we first got Cooper. Before Cooper started expressing himself the way dogs do. He'd glide by our house and ask how Cooper The Pup was doing and often give us advice about crating and feeding and walking and pooping and peeing. Like the Dog Whisperer except with a very thick industry vibe. And all the while, Cooper was not tall enough to see over the ledge on the porch, in order to catch a glimpse of the two dogs this man owns who look like miniature versions of Jabba the Hut. So when Cooper grew taller and was able to look these little fat men in the eyes the first thing he shrieked was WHO ARE THOSE BULBOUS CREATURES WHO HAVE FACES LIKE PETER LORRE?! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE THEM GO AWAY!

Which put the whole group of them off---this man and his dogs.

It got to the point where everywhere we went we'd end up running into them and the man would look at us with that look that people give parents who have children that are melting down and sometimes he'd even yell at Cooper like he was The Elephant Man. We'd see him coming for MILES away. Here they come, we'd say, Quick let's duck into this shoe repair shop. Oh we loathed him.

So, when we moved to Santa Monica one of the things we missed least (aside from the crack dealers and the occasional vomiting pedestrian) was The Taunting Industry Guy and His Two Thug Dogs that turned Cooper into a nut job. At last we were free. Until we met The Unassuming Nice Neighbor Guy and His Two Boxers that drive Cooper completely MAD. Like Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest when she discovers the wire hangers---just totally undone. The boxers are coming, we'll say, hurry! cross the street!

Which brings me to my point and my conclusion:

WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE.

Yours in liverlicious treats,
The Lady With the Leash

Things I Don't Understand, Items 64 thru 66

64. Toddler beauty pageants
65. Pancakes that are the consistency of a down comforter
66. How word has not gotten to Lou Dobbs that he's The Pillsbury Doughboy

Cooper Being Mahatma Ghandi

Here he is seen shortly after he finished a 500 mile walking meditation where he went three months without food, water or his beloved stuffed snakey toy.

"Everyone thought I was doing it to make some huge peace statement," he says, eyeing the baloney sandwich I'm eating.

"I didn't have the nerve to tell them I was only trying to break in my sandals."

Tuesday Expert Advice

Dear Cupcake,

I think I've really blown it this time and I hope you can help.

Recently I stopped at a very fancy coffee place in Brentwood and as I was standing in line I noticed a sign that said:

WE WILL GLADLY TAKE YOUR ORDER AFTER YOU HAVE FINISHED YOUR PHONE CALL

I thought this was so darn clever that I grabbed the little notebook I keep in my purse and I jotted it down. Turns out this was a mistake because apparently the whole WE WILL GLADLY TAKE YOUR ORDER thing encompasses other activities like:

WE WILL GLADLY TAKE YOUR ORDER WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED SCRIBBLING IN YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE NOTEBOOK YOU IGNORANT SPY

Who knew, right? Not me. Initially I thought I HATE THESE JACKASSES and made a master plan to never return but then I remembered they have my favorite non-brick-light-as-feather scones that I cannot live without. Do you think if I write a formal letter of apology and promise to pay perfect attention when I am waiting in line that they will forgive me?
---I'm Not Rude In LA

Dear Rude,
No.
Good Luck,
Cupcake

Things I'd Rather Have Tickets To More Than Michael Jackson's Memorial

1. Pflugerville Liverwurst Is Magic Festival
2. Geriatric Iditarod 2010
3. Captain and Tennille-A-Palooza
4. X-Treme Nude Lawnmowing Competition

Saturday Shocker

Today, driving on the 405 freeway, I saw THE BRAVEST PERSON IN THE WORLD.

It's true.

He was a person so clear within himself that, regardless of the COMPLETE AND UTTER MAYHEM, RAGE AND F-BOMBS HURLING HIS WAY, he kept his cool. He did not waver. He did not wince. He just kept moving forward.

Much like our Founding Fathers except without those white wigs that you could almost hear begging for conditioner.

This person, actually it was TWO people but I was more focused on THE DRIVER. He was a man who looked a little like Tim Conway---unassuming and presumably nice---and she was his stalwart cohort, sitting next to him all calm and determined. They were driving a thimble-sized relatively old Mazda or Toyota and they were on the portion of the 405 freeway where approximately nine thousand freeways converge. This is the part of the 405 that is written about in the news and in hell. I'm sure I've seen Green Berets training there and if they ever remake the chariot race in Ben Hur, this is the spot they'll use. It is F-ed up, this spot. And if you combine this spot with July 4th and the fact that it is the direct route to the beach, well, you've got trouble.

Back to THE BRAVEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. There he was---surrounded by every blood thirsty asshole driver you could imagine bearing down on him, honking and flipping him off, with the following sign in HUGE BRIGHT SCARLET RED letters in his back windshield:

DRIVING SLOWER TO SAVE GAS

Believe me when I tell you that I have seen the ghost of Hester Prynne and she is a brave nebbish maneuvering the concrete jungle that is Los Angeles.

Stand Proud,
Trini the Oil Guzzling Pacer